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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling, either at me or at other members.  But, I have to keep in my some things:

1. Parents 30+ yrs ago didn't have as many resources as we do today regarding the "right" way to parent, and the negative impacts of certain things. Remember, in the 60's, 70's, pregnancy books stated to smoke to relax, or drink a glass of wine.  Those were definitely different times.
2. Regardless of whether your parents yelled at you, I think most parents do love their kids.  parents are not perfect, today or back then.

It's hard to break a cycle; it's hard to break the culture.  If that's how your parents grew up, if that was the social norm back then, then they won't ever see it the way you do.

I have to just remember that my parents did the best they could with what they had.  This isn't to excuse this kind of behavior. Rather, it's for me to remember that no parent is perfect, including me, and I'm learning to be a better parent as I go along.  Wouldn't it be great if we were all perfect parents from day 1?  But it doesn't happen that way.

It's good you recognize how it affected you and that you don't want to repeat it.  This is where the cycle can be broken.[/quote]

NP.  eh, I disagree with the notion that "parents back then didn't know any better."  I think that's an excuse, even though you say it doesn't excuse the behavior.  That explanation suggests that somehow it's worse for a parent today to yell than it was for a parent back then because we should know better.   And I don't agree.

I think that the biggest issue (and I have some experience with this as well) that OP raises is the twofold issue that the parents yelled a lot BUT also insist they did everything for their kids and were some kind of martyrs.  I would feel differently if most parents who behaved that way would admit that their behavior was detrimental, that it was more indicative of weakness than martyrdom and sacrifice and that it was more about them and their own issues than any kind of special parenting tactic.

Part of the reason why it's hard to "break the culture" is that we keep explaining it away and feeding the narrative that they "did the best they could."  Instead, we should say, nope, they didn't do the best they could.  They refused to recognize that they were dysfunctional, that they created a turbulent environment, and that they didn't practice enough self-restraint.  Instead, we write it off as "that's how it was back then."

I get tired of the "I gave everything for my kids" narrative when in most of those instances.  First of all, it feeds the whole parenting as martyrdom model, which isn't good.  I don't think that parents should define themselves by or through their children.  It seems that one common theme among functional families, where there isn't constant, daily yelling or turbulence, is that the parents have hobbies and interests outside of their kids.  And because they don't have their entire identity invested in their kids, they're actually able to be better parents.  They're happier, more even-keeled and less reactive.  The family unit and the children don't become this tightly controlled entity that breaks with every slight issue that arises.

But also I suspect that most of that yelling wasn't about OP or her siblings.  It was about the parents' issues, and that needs to be recognized if the cycle/culture is ever going to change.

Just my thoughts on that issue.  [/quote]

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