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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We yell because we love you is complete and utter bullshit!

As is the argue and make up cycle.

DW was raised like this, I was not.  As a result her behavior often veers into unacceptable tone and language and it has damaged our relationship, at times to the point where I've told her it must stop or I am done.

Where one who is conditioned by the fight & make up cycle can handle that or look forward to the "making up" part, to others (like me) who weren't raised that way and don't accept the yelling &c., it's just more grains of sand on the pile of negativity that will eventually topple the relationship.

I think DW has realized it to some extent but not fully.  Now, rather than engage, if she goes there I just shut her down and tell her I'm disengaging.  And I make it clear that I'm not re-engaging as part of the "make up" portion -- that she has to take responsibility, change the behavior, and not assume that it's all OK because it's the next day and she's being nice now.

Sorry I don't have a book to refer you to but good luck getting rid of the toxic approach that this represents.[/quote]

OP here. My DH did not come from a house where his parents yelled at him so I think he'd be out the door if I behaved the way my parents did. My parents yelled at each other a lot. It was as if they had no problem-solving skills so rather than take a deep breath and figure out how to fix something simply, they verbally thrashed about. Maybe they would have called it their "arguing style;" whatever the heck it was, I could hear each word loud and clear from another floor.

In response to other comments, the yelling I grew up with was not, "Come on kids, let's go! Get your shoes on NOW! We have to leave!" It was an endless slew of accusation and character assassination either toward me and my siblings are my mother toward my father. [/quote]

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