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[quote=Anonymous]Hi OP.  I have 2 MI family members, both get mildly paranoid in certain stages of their MI.  I too occasionally wonder if one would ever get violent, but I doubt it, so I kind of understand you're worry, although I think you are really extrapolating a little far with it. It seems doubtful to me that your FIL would just show up out of the blue and his paranoia doesn't seem violent or directed at you or your DH in any way.  I don't think what happened when your DH was young and the family was in the throes of the divorce process is very applicable to your current situation.

I do understand your reluctance to have family members provide more information to him.  I really think the only way to solve that problem is to either not provide such information to family members whom you think have been indiscreet or have an explicit conversation with them and ask them not to provide anything beyond the most basic info to the grandad (i.e., yes, I hear the baby is big and healthy).

FWIW, I would strongly encourage you to get educated.  You have married into a family with a history of mental illness and this means that, although the chances are small, your DH and your children are also at risk for illness, and you all have to cope with a relationship with an MI family member.  NAMI offers a wonderful 12 week Family to Family class to help family members of the mentally ill understand the 5 major illnesses, symptoms, treatment, burden on family, etc.  You and your DH should take it together.  It will do much to help him understand his father's behavior and how it affected his childhood.  NAMI also runs support groups for family members.

You also should get your own therapist who works with people with mood disorders and schizophrenia - not because you are ill but because you (and your DH) need someone at least occasionally to help guide you in this relationship with is father.  I say this because you are veering into dangerous territory thinking a lot about how to protect your DH from the pain of his relationship with his father.  While this is understandable, it is not healthy.  One of the best things I did for myself was to get a therapist who could help me understand my family member's illness and help me think about what I should and shouldn't do in certain situations and how to cope with worries.   This is a difficult situation and one in which most of the people you typically use as sounding boards (friends, family) will be at best not knowledgeable enough to help and at worst, offer dangerous, counter-productive suggestions.

I also recommend 2 great books -- "I'm not Sick, I don't need help" by Xavier Amador and Burden of Sympathy: How Families Cope with Mental Illness.  Amador writes a lot about anosogonia (the lack of realization that oneself is ill) and how to talk to MI family members about illness and treatment in a way that is productive.  Karp writes about the moral dilemmas of the relationship with the MI family member.  [/quote]

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