Anonymous wrote:OP, if your MIL does not do the laundry, who does?

You? Tell her you want to do it yourself. Beat her to it.

Your wife? If so, you really don't have a foot to stand on. Your MIL is trying to reduce the household chore burden on her daughter.

Anonymous wrote:lemme guess. You're married to an Asian woman significantly younger than you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Please excuse the over sensitive crazes here. Many have completely over looked what you are asking because a word you have been drowning in offends them.

My mother is a control freak as well. I have been up against it my entire life. Your wife has to learn what healthy boundaries are. She can read, research and go for concealing. This is a long and tedious process.

You do need to say something about her respecting your wishes in your home. Your wife needs to on board with this. You may need to show her that your mad about this and that it is now unacceptable. Good Luck.

OP here - thanks for taking the time to calmly write.

When you are first married and young (and we were) you don't know what to expect. Our first year was not good and I remember thinking what honeymoom ? The other thing was when we were dating MIL had nothing to do with us, so I didn't see it coming. Once we got married she became involved, would come over do the wash, clean. It was off putting. I know that sounds ungrateful but who really wants their MIL washing their soiled cheats ? But I was naive; I didn't have a sense for how things were supposed to work. All I knew was that I was embarrassed. At the time I think my wife found it easier to "manage" me then her Mom. So instead of having it out with her Mom she would tell me to deal with it. MIL was also widowed early so I think DW felt an obligation. which again, starting out, you say that is the way it should be. It hit ahead right before we had kids - I was getting ready to divorce - selfishly I didn't want to live in my early to mid thirties with my DW and my MIL with MIL doing the housework. That's not a marriage. Perhaps should have had the wisdom not to get pregnant, but again, quilt about leaving DW at that point as I realized that very likely would have resulted in her never having kids (presumptuous I know) so we were blessed with beautiful children. After hitting a rough patch over other issues of late I do not have the tolerance or pliability I once had. I also think it may be an age thing - I'm just not putting up with it anymore. But in reality it is just a symptom of other issues.

Thanks again for taking the time to write. I noticed I hit some type of nerve with the "control" word. And I know it isn't easy on wife. I guess my frustration has always been why are you so willing to tell me to pound sand vs. standing up to your Mom.

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Please excuse the over sensitive crazes here. Many have completely over looked what you are asking because a word you have been drowning in offends them.

My mother is a control freak as well. I have been up against it my entire life. Your wife has to learn what healthy boundaries are. She can read, research and go for concealing. This is a long and tedious process.

You do need to say something about her respecting your wishes in your home. Your wife needs to on board with this. You may need to show her that your mad about this and that it is now unacceptable. Good Luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

First of all, your wife CAN'T control her mother. What you can control is your access to things like your undies. How gross. You have let this grow into a problem instead of nipping it in the bud, so you are equally at fault.

How to fix it: You need to sit your wife down and say you need boundaries otherwise you are going to divorce her. I don't think it's asking too much for your MIL to leave your undies alone. Would DW want your father to wash her undies? I wouldn't think so.

This has been a problem for almost 2 decades. Why have you stayed silent for so long? Talking about it and coming to a DECISION was what you should have done instead of just "whining" about it. Neither of you have a backbone. Maybe you wanted to "keep the peace" but keeping the peace is about little things, not a BIG invasion of privacy.

OP here. At one point was ready to leave marriage but then we had kids. Hard to rationalize divorcing wife over MIL privacy issue. And when she was over there were good things - kids got to know their grandmother (I never had the opportunity to know any of my grandparents), one was taught to knit. And I know people on the thread don't like the word control, but would discuss with DW please ask Mom not to....and she would discuss it and then MIL would just keep doing it. So I think she knew she could dominate perhaps is a better word her DW. Kids are older - there are other issues in marriage and at this point I am like as bad as things are now, now I have to put up with this sh$t too. And I don't have the fight anymore - its like you are never to going to change it and I'd don't want to live this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You used the word control or a variation of it, 7 times in your post. You're an ass. What human can control another? If YOU don't want MIL pre-treating your skivvies, then YOU tell her. It clearly doesn't bother your wife to have MIL take over either, because you keep letting her into your home. You mention you're close to being empty-nesters, so having her over to play with grandkids clearly isn't the reason behind that.
You both need to grow a pair, tell MIL how things will be in YOUR house or else STFU.
Oh, and quit using the word "control" when talking about other human beings.

I totally disagree with this. It's DW's mother and DW should manage her. "Control" is a strong word, but if this makes dh so unhappy, why would Dw not simply tell her mother to stop cleaning?

PP here. OP says she has, although she must not have gotten her point across because MIL continues. If OP feels that strongly, he should man up and have a chat with MIL

OP here. It is not my place to speak with my MIL. It is my DW place to speak with her mom. Perhaps control is the wrong word. Here is the challenge - DW tells her Mom please don't touch our stuff" Mother In Law ignores her. Just flat out ignores her. So, I don't know the proper term but how to handle a relative in your home when you ask them not to do something and they keep doing it. My DW is not going to not let her mom come over to visit, she will acquiesce. I think my wife would rather tell me to get over it then be strict with her Mom.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Granted this may sound ungrateful but my DW has never been able to control her mom. By that I mean when her Mom comes to her house she has an incessant need to clean. I have, for longer than I care to admit at this point, expressed gratitude to my wife while letting her know that my MIL washing my underwear and cleaning our sheets is a violation of my privacy. I offered DW cleaning people but she didn't want others in our home. When the argument comes to ahead, my wife will admit that she fights with her mom about it but that she cannot control her mom. Then her mom, an immigrant, will feign that she didn't know.

There's long frustration on my part about this; its not the cleaning but rather the macro issues such as not being able to pursue job opportunities in other parts of the country because DW doesn't want to leave her MIL and from the outside in you can see its from her MIL controlling her. Tells her she can come with us but MIL doesn't want leave area so now one can - its insane. But it is because MIL doesn't want to live with us because then she loses control and independence. Offered to get her nicer housing so she can be more independent says no, then have to worry about her living locale and expenses. Discussed this pre-marriage with stated goal of leaving the area for cheaper place to live but after marriage well let's just say there was some bait and switch.

Today was another example. MIL on extended stay, asked about cleaning, item needed to be cleaned but asked not to do so. She elects to do and damages item that will now need repair. I'm older now and don't have the fight in me. Ask wife and she's like I told her she won't listen to me.

Perhaps just a vent - but the downside of being older and not having the fight in me is that I am also getting to the point - empty nest is on the horizon that I just don't care anymore and I am not going to subject myself to your inability to control MIL. Should have left years ago. Tired of fighting - when I ask her not to do things she tells me that I don't appreciate things and when I mention broken items - not the first time - I get told not to blame others for my problems.

She is very controlling; I found her children (wife and BIL) to lack fortitude. I don't think they ever developed their own inner strength.

So hoping smarter people then me have ideas. Asking/telling doesn't work.

Thanks for letting me vent.

First of all, your wife CAN'T control her mother. What you can control is your access to things like your undies. How gross. You have let this grow into a problem instead of nipping it in the bud, so you are equally at fault.

How to fix it: You need to sit your wife down and say you need boundaries otherwise you are going to divorce her. I don't think it's asking too much for your MIL to leave your undies alone. Would DW want your father to wash her undies? I wouldn't think so.

This has been a problem for almost 2 decades. Why have you stayed silent for so long? Talking about it and coming to a DECISION was what you should have done instead of just "whining" about it. Neither of you have a backbone. Maybe you wanted to "keep the peace" but keeping the peace is about little things, not a BIG invasion of privacy.