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[quote=Anonymous]As someone who lost her grandfather, father and two brothers to suicide (within a span of 7 years), I think I can speak to the feelings generated by a suicide in the family.  Embarrassment wasn't/isn't the first or even second emotion on the list.  Anguish is the first, followed by disbelief.  Now, in the case of my father, him killing himself was the best thing that ever happened to me and my siblings because he was truly a monster but because you're conditioned to love your parent no matter how awful, anguish was still the first emotion.  But, it doesn't sound like you're the monster my father was.

It sounds like you have major depression and some unrealistic perceptions - both are treatable with medication and therapy so as someone who has suffered through family suicides, I would first encourage you to seek treatment.  I've taken anti-depressants for episodic depression and received counseling over the years.  It's made a tremendous difference in my life.  My DH suffers from clincial depression and medication has absolutely been life saving for him and our marriage.  So, again, before you commit to a life of unhappiness and/or suicide, you really need to avail yourself of some assistance.

Also, as the spouse of someone with depression, you must be seeking treatment for your depression before you even think about having a relationship.  My DH is a fabulous person - when his depression is under control.  I'm willing to stick with him through all his troubles and medication challenges as long as he is trying.  It was when he was in a long term, deep depression and refusing to do anything about it that we came to the brink of divorce.  You should be aware that being around that kind of depression isn't healthy for the spouse or the kids.

I know it's hard for you to believe in your current state but you do not have to feel the way you are feeling.  There is treatment available and you can feel better if you choose to take that path.

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