OP - you are here for a reason even if you don't understand what that reason is right now. Please reach out for help.

Sending loving, healing light your way.

OP, please go look at yourself in the mirror and try to be proud of the wonderful person I'm sure you are! We are all unique beings in this world. If everyone were the same, this earth would be such a boring place. Please don't measure yourself by what others think you should/shouldn't have or where you should be in your life. Like PPs said, marriage and kids isn't the answer to happiness. You were put on this earth for a reason! Have you seen the movie 'The Help?' Please remember this quote from the movie..

“You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

Pull yourself up OP - you can do it!

Anonymous wrote:As dreary as it seems for you right now, the more you post, the more hopeful it seems. You sound like someone worth knowing. Hopefully, you have hit your rock bottom and a year from now you will be in a much better place. Some people don't hit their stride until they hit their forties or fifties. Fight!

I totally agreed. I think your experience is actually very relateable, OP. Lots and lots and lots of people feel similar pressures and expectations. I think you have an important voice to share - because the false expectations people/parents have about marriage/kids NEEDS to be talked about. It NEEDS to be broken down, and seen for the damage it can cause to your/our self worth. It simply isn't acceptable to make someone feel devalued just because they're not married and don't have kids. Your life belong to you, OP. It's yours. You are allowed to take your time. You are allowed to disappoint your parents. You are allowed to follow your own course. I hope you keep talking and standing up for yourself, OP. You bring up a really important and common parent/child debate, and it's a perspective that needs to be talked about.

As dreary as it seems for you right now, the more you post, the more hopeful it seems. You sound like someone worth knowing. Hopefully, you have hit your rock bottom and a year from now you will be in a much better place. Some people don't hit their stride until they hit their forties or fifties. Fight!

Have you considered going to your local emergency department and signing yourself in for treatment (if your local hospital doesn't have a psych floor, they can transfer you to a hospital that does)?

There is nothing wrong with not getting married. Forget about what your parents think and live your life.

You are unique, loved and a gift to your friends and family. Please talk to someone about your feelings.

OP - we don't know each other , but my heart is breaking for you. I went thru something very similar and being the parent pleaser, I finally got married at 36. didn't have a child until I was 39. I wish I didn't succumb to my parents pressure to get married. I am not happy although I really enjoy being a mom. All I can say is to try and tune them out. Do they have any idea of how this is impacting you? Are you able to discuss with one or the other? Is it possible to "run away" and be far away from their influence? I don't understand why a parent can't just be supportive of their child, but having parents similar to yours as far as getting married goes, I can relate. It would absolutley destroy me to know that my child killed herself because of me.

No one deserves to feel the way you do and your thoughts are distorted. As much as I am opposed to medication, I had to take some anti-depressants for a brief and dar k period in my life and I was astounded as to how well tehy worked. It was the best feeling and convinced me that depression is a legitimate disease that won't just go away by just hoping it will go away. Medication and therapy will help you bounce back from these comments. Also - your friends value you too and if you can confide in them, I encourage you to do so. I took a leap and told a close friend of mine what I was going thru and it was one of the best things I did (besides the meds and therapy which I am done with).

As someone who lost her grandfather, father and two brothers to suicide (within a span of 7 years), I think I can speak to the feelings generated by a suicide in the family. Embarrassment wasn't/isn't the first or even second emotion on the list. Anguish is the first, followed by disbelief. Now, in the case of my father, him killing himself was the best thing that ever happened to me and my siblings because he was truly a monster but because you're conditioned to love your parent no matter how awful, anguish was still the first emotion. But, it doesn't sound like you're the monster my father was.

It sounds like you have major depression and some unrealistic perceptions - both are treatable with medication and therapy so as someone who has suffered through family suicides, I would first encourage you to seek treatment. I've taken anti-depressants for episodic depression and received counseling over the years. It's made a tremendous difference in my life. My DH suffers from clincial depression and medication has absolutely been life saving for him and our marriage. So, again, before you commit to a life of unhappiness and/or suicide, you really need to avail yourself of some assistance.

Also, as the spouse of someone with depression, you must be seeking treatment for your depression before you even think about having a relationship. My DH is a fabulous person - when his depression is under control. I'm willing to stick with him through all his troubles and medication challenges as long as he is trying. It was when he was in a long term, deep depression and refusing to do anything about it that we came to the brink of divorce. You should be aware that being around that kind of depression isn't healthy for the spouse or the kids.

I know it's hard for you to believe in your current state but you do not have to feel the way you are feeling. There is treatment available and you can feel better if you choose to take that path.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can think of no worse thing than to lose a child, regardless of how. Please get some help.

Op here,
My parents have already lost their first child who was killed. I'm the only child left which makes me feel even worse for them if I do die. They were able to move on but of course are still sad. And for the record I am white. People were talking about it being cultural.

I can't imagine losing both of my children. I think it is something I would not survive. Even if you don't want to get help, you should do it for your parents.

OP, please reach out to one of the resources above. Your posts are very concerning. I hope you find peace. I will be praying for you. You are valuable. Please get help today.

Anonymous wrote:OP, as a parent it breaks my heart to read this.

Perhaps your parents didn't do such a good job of making you feel valued for yourself, but that doesn't mean they don't love you!

Op here, I think this is true. My parents are wonderful people and I strive to be like them. But I do feel like they are embarrassed of me for being single and having to always answer the question from their friends of am I married yet. I put the pressure on myself.

I have just never been a fan of being alive and I wish so desperately that my parents could have had another child that isn't me so that I would have never existed.

I don't value myself and never have. I feel bad for guys I date thinking they could do so better, I am just wasting their time. I even feel bad for my friends thinking they are better off without me as a friend. However I do know that I am a great person and a great friend. I'm a very introverted person with a meloncoly personality.

OP, as a parent it breaks my heart to read this.

Perhaps your parents didn't do such a good job of making you feel valued for yourself, but that doesn't mean they don't love you!

I'm sure that your parents would rather have you alive yet single than have you dead, OP.

OP, your worth is not tied up in your ability to marry and pump out kids. You may have confused the two, but you need to separate them. Perhaps you need to have a heart to heart talk with your parents and let them know how much their pressure on you to marry and have kids is making you want to kill yourself.

I wanted to throw myself under a bus when my exH told me he wanted a divorce. I felt I was a failure and a disappointment. I was 28.

Now I am so happy with my life and new man. You never know what the future holds. Therapy helped me realize that I would be ok on my own no matter what.

Look at your life as a book still being written. Some chapters are great, others full of crap, but the story needs them all. And don't you want to find out how it ends?

Good luck op, and may happiness be in your next chapter!!