Reply to If you had a mentally ill parent

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[quote=Anonymous]I have two mentally ill parents. My life was permanently scarred by my mother's illness. She was bi-polar, extremely depressed, completely unpredictable, and she eventually moved out of the house when I was 10 leaving me to live with my "less" mentally ill parent, who had some undiagnosed disorder, probably what we'd now call an autistic spectrum disorder.

I have chronic mild depression as a result, and anxiety, both of which I treat with fish oil and supplements, since medications I've tried either had terrible side effects, or didn't work. I'm fine as long as I keep taking the supplements and fish oil, but if I stop, I slide back into constant depression and anxiety.

I feel really badly about my depression/anxiety, so I've told my children about it, as soon as they have been old enough. I tell them it's a physical illness that makes me cranky, like they might feel cranky when they get a cold or have a headache, only mine is all the time if I don't take supplements and exercise.

OP, no, don't mention the illness to your 4 year old, but do give her explanations of her father' unpredictable behavior on a level she can understand. You can also give her ways of dealing with his unpredictable behavior, things to say when he yells at her for some crazy thing. Perhaps ask a child psychologist for help with this. She does need to know how to ask for help and how to stand up for herself if need be.

I didn't have any way out of my situation, so your DC is lucky to be living with you. Eventually you will have to tell her about her father's mental illness, but always in bits she is able to understand.

I had many years of therapy, so even if I have not eradicated the legacy of growing up in a completely unstable family, I have learned coping mechanisms that work. Therapy may be in your DC's future, OP, since mental illness is so, so completely devastating -- the problem for me was knowing it was hopeless -- there was no cure for my mother's illness, and it got worse and worse and worse.

My parents are dead, so my kids have never had to deal with them. But my inlaws are very much alive, and pretty dysfunctional. My MIL is an alcoholic and I'm certain is seriously depressed. I started telling the children about her when they were 5 and old enough to notice her odd behavior, but I only said very basic things. As they get older, I've added more details, but only as much as they can handle so as not to overload them. DH initially refused to tell the kids anything about his mom, so I had to. The shame is buried so deeply into his psyche that he could not let go if it enough to tell his kids what must have been obvious to them, even at age 5. [/quote]

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