My parents where divorced and we lived with my bipolar mother. She was hospitalized several times. It did not dawn on me that normal moms didn't come home from work and sleep until 2 or 3am and sleep all weekend. My husband jokes that I was raised by wolves because we fended for ourselves starting at age 8ish. After my grandmother died when I was 12 my mother started to hoard. I have terrible door bell dread to this day (panic if people drop by because the house isn't perfect) I knew the sleeping and messy house wasn't normal starting in middle school but I didn't realize it was mental illness until college. The extent of the problem didn't hit me until she started loosing jobs and getting evicted for hoarding. In my late 20s she was hospitalized and asked me to do a family therapy session which was the final reality check. I recently got her disability for depression so she doesn't have to work which is a giant releif.

My sister and I have very different responses to her illness. My sister checked out at an early age (who can blame her?) and pretty much ignores my moms problems. I'm the worrier/care giver. The responses are pretty tipical for our personalities and birth order.

My mom is paranoid schizophrenic. I was very wary of her from an early age and have a lot of early life memories probably because of being hypervigilant around her all the time. I knew it was MI by about 6 or 7.

The best day for me was when we no longer lived with her. the daily stress is impossible to describe. you do not know what you will find at home or what the day will bring to such an extreme degree, and many times I feared she would kill us. So I think the most important thing you have already done is to break up and have primary custody. This will make a significant difference every day for your child.

I saw a counselor about my mom during the teen years and that was helpful mainly for helping me learn not to fear confronting issues with honesty to myself, and being able to voice things. From there, a journal helped the most.

While I am aware that a mother/daughter relationship is something I will never know from the daughter side, being a mom is a wonderful revelation to me on an earthshaking level, I think because of the scorched earth experience. Definitely now experience even religious levels of gratitude and appreciation for being able to be a mom. I'm sharing that to show there can be a positive harvest, so to speak. I wouldn't choose these experiences, but good things can eventuate despite how bad it all was. And omg was it bad.

Not until I was in my early 20's. I knew mom wasn't "normal" and I never had friends over because her behavior was so unpredictable and embarrassing, but I didnt know enough about mental illness to understand that's what was going on. In my teens, I thought she was selfish and didnt care about me. Once I started dealing with mood issues of my own and got diagnosed, I could put a name to my mother's disease as well.

I have two mentally ill parents. My life was permanently scarred by my mother's illness. She was bi-polar, extremely depressed, completely unpredictable, and she eventually moved out of the house when I was 10 leaving me to live with my "less" mentally ill parent, who had some undiagnosed disorder, probably what we'd now call an autistic spectrum disorder.

I have chronic mild depression as a result, and anxiety, both of which I treat with fish oil and supplements, since medications I've tried either had terrible side effects, or didn't work. I'm fine as long as I keep taking the supplements and fish oil, but if I stop, I slide back into constant depression and anxiety.

I feel really badly about my depression/anxiety, so I've told my children about it, as soon as they have been old enough. I tell them it's a physical illness that makes me cranky, like they might feel cranky when they get a cold or have a headache, only mine is all the time if I don't take supplements and exercise.

OP, no, don't mention the illness to your 4 year old, but do give her explanations of her father' unpredictable behavior on a level she can understand. You can also give her ways of dealing with his unpredictable behavior, things to say when he yells at her for some crazy thing. Perhaps ask a child psychologist for help with this. She does need to know how to ask for help and how to stand up for herself if need be.

I didn't have any way out of my situation, so your DC is lucky to be living with you. Eventually you will have to tell her about her father's mental illness, but always in bits she is able to understand.

I had many years of therapy, so even if I have not eradicated the legacy of growing up in a completely unstable family, I have learned coping mechanisms that work. Therapy may be in your DC's future, OP, since mental illness is so, so completely devastating -- the problem for me was knowing it was hopeless -- there was no cure for my mother's illness, and it got worse and worse and worse.

My parents are dead, so my kids have never had to deal with them. But my inlaws are very much alive, and pretty dysfunctional. My MIL is an alcoholic and I'm certain is seriously depressed. I started telling the children about her when they were 5 and old enough to notice her odd behavior, but I only said very basic things. As they get older, I've added more details, but only as much as they can handle so as not to overload them. DH initially refused to tell the kids anything about his mom, so I had to. The shame is buried so deeply into his psyche that he could not let go if it enough to tell his kids what must have been obvious to them, even at age 5.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:15:12 here. For me, I just kind of wished my folks had talked to me about what was going on and what they were doing about it, but I'm not scarred for life.

I can't speak for my husband. I know he has a lot of lingering anger at his dad for "allowing a crazy person" to be his primary caregiver and for not insisting she seek treatment. His mom's excuse is that she's actually mentally ill; his dad isn't. But his parents are still together . . . so very different dynamic. And with primary physical custody, you have already solved the biggest problem.

Maybe it's because of my experiences dealing with mental illnesses, but I really agree with your husband. I get very angry at the people who know something is not right, see it affecting people (particularly kids), and then just do nothing about it. I really blame them much more than the person who is mentally ill.

The anger gets you no where, but it's mighty hard to let go of.

NP here.

The bolded parts are exactly me. My mother is clearly mentally ill - has been most of her life and yet, the people who could have done something about it turned a blind eye because they were afraid of the rage. She has destroyed our family. I have a toddler my parents have never met and my father begs my mother to just accept my olive branch of "we don't have to resolve it all but you should meet your grandchild" and she refuses. The totally screwed up part? My dad won't just call me. He's so scared of her that he's let her rob him of a relationship with his daughter and my child. That right there is mental illness and how far reaching it can be.

OP, 4 is too young to bring it up, but at some point you have to figure out how to address this because during visitation with a mentally ill parent the child could find him/herself in danger. This is tough water to navigate. I actually think you need a professional opinion on this - a therapist? Psychiatrist? I'm not sure who it would be but someone needs to guide you in not only telling your child about the situation but also timing when your little one is old enough to be briefed on "what's normal and safe behavior" vs. what's not.

I don't have a mentally ill parent but I do have a mentally ill sibling who still causes me huge amounts of stress. I think you might consider - when your child is older (maybe teens?) - to make sure there is an understanding that your child is not responsible for the father, especially if he is abusive.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for your stories PPs.

OP here, I'm asking because my child is very young (4). I have primary physical custody, but DC's father, who is mentally ill, has visitations.

I don't want to bring up the mental illness issue until it's age appropriate. My child already experiences the anger outbursts over nothing. It's as someone described, like walking on eggshells.

If your parents divorced what could the other parent have done or did to make you feel better about the situation?

OP,

I'm not sure you bringing it up is the correct step. Your ex may want to address it himself. Depending on what it is, 4 would probably be too young to understand what being bipolar or depressed or having OCD really means. If he asks why his dad does such and such. Let him know that our brains all work differently.

It's important that you don't convey a stigma or sense of disgust (although the mental illness may have been a driving factor in the divorce). Your ex is still a parent, having a mental illness isn't anyone's fault, and lastly, since things do tend to run in families, you don't want your kid feeling like they are doomed if they should develop the same thing.

I also had a mentally ill parent...actually parents. Mother has borderline personality disorder/raging alcoholic, stepfather is a pathological narcissist, and father is bipolar/OCD. I always knew my mother was mentally ill, even at a very young age, maybe 4 or 5 even. It took me much longer to realize the father and stepfather were also mentally ill. For the most part, I just spent my childhood negotiating around each of them, never rocking the boat, and covering their messes. I was the primary caregiver to halfsiblings since mother was rarely functional and extremely verbally abusive when she was around. Anytime, I tried to reach out for help I was told "all families have problems" or everyone fights with their mom," dismissing the mental illness going on in my home. Many times the biggest struggle was not knowing what was actually going on and the self doubt that creeps in in the absence of info and a vocabulary to describe what is going on.

OP, I encourage you to give your child a safe place to talk about his feelings of having a mentally ill parent, speak with a therapist about how you can best handle this and give him a vocabulary to describe the father's mental illness.

Growing up, my mom seemed like so many other parents. Each had their own quirks. We lived in suburban Houston, lived in a neighborhood of non-Texans (my family wasn't from Texas either). All the men and women drank excessively. One time, a neighbor drive her car into a neighbor's house driving home drunk. Luckily the neighbors were on vacation. Everyone came out and made sure she was ok and go her home, someone else called the owners. No one called the cops until the morning. This wasn't a poor neighborhood - my dad was a senior accountant for an oil company, and by 1970s standards, we were wealthy. My mom did crazy things, like take us to get ice cream in our pajamas at 8 PM when she was drunk. Looking back, there were a lot of signs. But so many of our neighbors were similar. Exec husbands that were rarely home, so the women had their tennis and bridge tournaments and everything involved drinking.
We moved away from Texas, and I started noticing my mom wasn't like other moms where we moved to. I initially chalked it up to being somewhere new - I was teased about my accent. By the time I was in 5th or 6th grade, my mom was crying all the time. I would hear her cry at night. I know she went on Prozac for a while, then they took her off of it and put her on something else, causing a severe reaction. She had issues sleeping, but the sleeping meds gave her another reaction... My sister, meanwhile, became suicidal, and was sent away for 7 months. My mom started talking like she wanted to kill herself. I knew she didn't want to live, it was only her deep religious faith (that she would go to Hell) that she probably didn't.
Another poster mentioned walking on eggshells and always asking if someone is mad. That was me for a very long time. I don't remember when I stopped doing it. I don't like self-help (my mother was totally into those books), but find inspiration in fiction of other people's fictional struggles. I love Dean Koontz. Most of his characters come from dysfunctional backgrounds, so I can totally relate.
Myself, I am prone to anxiety. It really manifested after having children. So, I sought help and am taking Prozac. I don't want to do to my children what my mom did to me.

My mother was an Undiagnosed schizophrenic all my childhood, which caused severe anxiety and depression in me until it moved out at age 18. She was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive to my younger brothers and I. Her OCD, paranoia, anxiety, and depression were heightened during times of stress. I always thought her behavior was strictly caused by the abuse I witnessed by father inflict on her until their divorce when I was 8. I knew I didn't love her when I was 10, and when I was a teenager I just figured she was crazy but didn't understand mental illness. It wasn't until I turned 26 and was taking course for my degree in clinical mental Heath (ironic, I know) that I realized her actual condition.

I absolutely wished I knew back when I was a child that she was mentally ill, rather than believing for most of my adolescent that I was a worthless, unloved child. However, the good that came out of it was that I now made it my life mission to help as many young children deal with their personal issues. I will do my best to instill resilience in every child I encounter.

Anonymous wrote:My mom had a mental breakdown when I was about 12. I know how bad it was because she went out to the Mayo clinic for treatment, and did ECT three times a week for a year.

I never had people over because I was ashamed. During the ECT, my mom forgot my name constantly and got me mixed up with my much thinner sister, and constantly told me (thinking I was my sister) that I had gotten fat and ugly.

My mom is fine now, and doesn't seem to realize that the years we spent with her when she wasn't fine aren't going to just go away, and that we will always remember them and that they greatly impacted us.

This is one of the things that pisses me off: my mom's mental illness made our childhood hellacious. Yet, we only ever hear that she's a victim. There has never been any acknowledgment that she said and did things that scarred us for life.

My mom had a mental breakdown when I was about 12. I know how bad it was because she went out to the Mayo clinic for treatment, and did ECT three times a week for a year.

I never had people over because I was ashamed. During the ECT, my mom forgot my name constantly and got me mixed up with my much thinner sister, and constantly told me (thinking I was my sister) that I had gotten fat and ugly.

My mom is fine now, and doesn't seem to realize that the years we spent with her when she wasn't fine aren't going to just go away, and that we will always remember them and that they greatly impacted us.

Anonymous wrote:15:12 here. For me, I just kind of wished my folks had talked to me about what was going on and what they were doing about it, but I'm not scarred for life.

I can't speak for my husband. I know he has a lot of lingering anger at his dad for "allowing a crazy person" to be his primary caregiver and for not insisting she seek treatment. His mom's excuse is that she's actually mentally ill; his dad isn't. But his parents are still together . . . so very different dynamic. And with primary physical custody, you have already solved the biggest problem.

Maybe it's because of my experiences dealing with mental illnesses, but I really agree with your husband. I get very angry at the people who know something is not right, see it affecting people (particularly kids), and then just do nothing about it. I really blame them much more than the person who is mentally ill.

The anger gets you no where, but it's mighty hard to let go of.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have bipolar. I'm so very scared that I am doing (or will do) these sorts of things to my children and they are going to be scarred for life and in therapy for 30 years, unable to have any healthy relationships. Or, I have genetically passed it on to them.

Are you on medication and in therapy? My mom has untreated bipolar disease and my childhood was pretty rough. Thankfully I've been able to have relatively healthy relationships and am married to an amazing man, but my mom caused a lot of damage. Please go to regular therapy and find medication that works. My best friend is also bipolar and being treated and is an amazing and wonderful friend. Nothing like my mom

It's being treated (although it hasn't always) and I'm monitored every 3 months for my meds, which work. I'm still worried though. I really hope that it's enough to not cause any harm or damage to my kids.

15:12 here. For me, I just kind of wished my folks had talked to me about what was going on and what they were doing about it, but I'm not scarred for life.

I can't speak for my husband. I know he has a lot of lingering anger at his dad for "allowing a crazy person" to be his primary caregiver and for not insisting she seek treatment. His mom's excuse is that she's actually mentally ill; his dad isn't. But his parents are still together . . . so very different dynamic. And with primary physical custody, you have already solved the biggest problem.