Reply to Punishment doesn't seem to phase this kid

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[quote=Anonymous]You don't want a punishment to phase a kid, you want a punishment which helps the child do better next time, right?

My kid's 10. She's asked me why she's never been grounded. I tell her because she has yet to do something that would make me think grounding makes sense. She asks why she might be grounded. I explained if she ran off somewhere without telling me, or told me she was going to Place A and instead went to Place B, those might be grounding offenses. She has a friend who regularly gets grounded for poor grades and she asked why I wouldn't ground for that. I explained that grounding the child doesn't help him do better in school. Requiring he use a homework agenda, or establish a regular homework place, or go over a daily plan for how he was going to approach his homework, those might all be "punishments" for not doing well in school. But the goal is they're designed to help him do better.

If your child has trouble completing her work, you need to find out why. Does she get distracted? Does she need breaks? Some kids can't do marathon homework sessions. Some kids have low frustration tolerance. Some kids have greater need for movement. Some kids will prefer being considered a liar, or poor at finishing their homework, rather than "stupid" for not being able to finish their homework. You need to find out what's going on, and work on ways to solve the problem.

We brainstorm with our child. We want her to do better. My daughter kept forgetting bits and pieces of her homework starting this year. We brainstormed with her on ways to solve the problem. She decided she's simply bring home *everything* every day. I don't think that's solving the problem, and I'm working with her on identifying things she can generally leave at school, but she's anxious she'll forget something and that's taking a while. So now, we have the forgetting problem and dealing with the anxiety about potentially forgetting something. We've alleviated some of the anxiety by having some duplicate books at home. And we'll keep working on it. She's not forgetting homework to be difficult, she just tends to be in a rush at the end of the day and having the mental space to get all her things together is still challenging. We need to work with her to help her find solutions that work for her. She might be one of those people who tends to be forgetful in stressful situations, so the more we work with her now on building skills to deal with it, the better off she'll be as an adult. None of this requires a "punishment."

I'd suggest being a lot less punitive and sit down and have a talk with your child about what she needs. She might suggest she get chips once a week as a snack. But it's better *she* make the suggestion than that you decree "twice a week!" She might say she'd like to try doing her homework in 15 minute increments, followed by 15 minutes of playtime. You might think that's a terrible suggestion, but be willing to establish a "trial period" and see how it goes for a week or two. [/quote]

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