You don't want a punishment to phase a kid, you want a punishment which helps the child do better next time, right?

My kid's 10. She's asked me why she's never been grounded. I tell her because she has yet to do something that would make me think grounding makes sense. She asks why she might be grounded. I explained if she ran off somewhere without telling me, or told me she was going to Place A and instead went to Place B, those might be grounding offenses. She has a friend who regularly gets grounded for poor grades and she asked why I wouldn't ground for that. I explained that grounding the child doesn't help him do better in school. Requiring he use a homework agenda, or establish a regular homework place, or go over a daily plan for how he was going to approach his homework, those might all be "punishments" for not doing well in school. But the goal is they're designed to help him do better.

If your child has trouble completing her work, you need to find out why. Does she get distracted? Does she need breaks? Some kids can't do marathon homework sessions. Some kids have low frustration tolerance. Some kids have greater need for movement. Some kids will prefer being considered a liar, or poor at finishing their homework, rather than "stupid" for not being able to finish their homework. You need to find out what's going on, and work on ways to solve the problem.

We brainstorm with our child. We want her to do better. My daughter kept forgetting bits and pieces of her homework starting this year. We brainstormed with her on ways to solve the problem. She decided she's simply bring home *everything* every day. I don't think that's solving the problem, and I'm working with her on identifying things she can generally leave at school, but she's anxious she'll forget something and that's taking a while. So now, we have the forgetting problem and dealing with the anxiety about potentially forgetting something. We've alleviated some of the anxiety by having some duplicate books at home. And we'll keep working on it. She's not forgetting homework to be difficult, she just tends to be in a rush at the end of the day and having the mental space to get all her things together is still challenging. We need to work with her to help her find solutions that work for her. She might be one of those people who tends to be forgetful in stressful situations, so the more we work with her now on building skills to deal with it, the better off she'll be as an adult. None of this requires a "punishment."

I'd suggest being a lot less punitive and sit down and have a talk with your child about what she needs. She might suggest she get chips once a week as a snack. But it's better *she* make the suggestion than that you decree "twice a week!" She might say she'd like to try doing her homework in 15 minute increments, followed by 15 minutes of playtime. You might think that's a terrible suggestion, but be willing to establish a "trial period" and see how it goes for a week or two.

OP, why are you so hard on your DD who you acknowledged has a learning disability and struggles in school? She seems like she could use more support from you. And, have you made sure she has the accommodations or supports in place at school (I.e., 504 or IEP). You sound merciless and I am sure DD feels inadequate by you reminding her in subtle ways that she can't measure up to her older sibling. You need to show this child some compassion and also recognize the gifts and talents she has. Treat her like the precious jewel she is and think about the hole you would have in your heart if you did not have her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to lie to my mom for the same reasons many pps are telling you. Telling her the truth was scary. I'd get disciplined, get things taken away, had to deal with my mom's disappointment, etc. Much easier to lie. You also mention that her sister found the unfinished homework in the trash and told you. is the other sister better behaved, does better in school, has screen time, etc? Your daughter may have realized that she is the screw up kid, so why bother? I also had a perfect brother. I am also adopted and used to think "I'm such a screw up, they probably regret adopting me."

your post makes me so sad. I recognize myself as your daughter and you as my mom. She was so resistant to the fact that she waa doing things to make the dynamic worse, that it took years for us to have any kind of trusting and close relationship. I hope you will re read these posts and think about them rather than being dismissive.

Yes, her older sibling is only 4 months older and a straight A student with printer quality handwriting. We try so hard not to compare her to her sister. We never say stuff like "Your sister never does that" or "Why can't you be like sister?" We have known since they were infants that one would always be more advanced than the other. Funny thing is sister who is so "perfect" is extremely shy around anybody else except family while this little girl is a social butterfly always flitting about. Kind of neat how they seem to make up for the shortcomings of each other. And the next set of siblings are 19 years apart in age so not much comparison there. With this little girl I've known almost from day one(she came home at 7 months after spending her first months of life in an institution) that she was different, that she would struggle- you know how a mother just knows these things? She was slow on all her early childhood benchmarks and had and still has some sensory integration issues. All this has made me want to protect her all that more. I can't even begin to understand how difficult it must be for parents of handicapped children to NOT coddle and hover over their children.


I think what I will do about the chips is let her have a reasonable amt of chips as snack two days a week after school if the other days are fresh fruit and let her decide and keep track.

Not sure what else I can do but I'm always open for suggestions, thanks all

I've highlighted the judgmental words in your post, especially "shortcomings." You don't seem to even be aware of it. You don't have to say anything, your DD knows she's the lesser child.

You say you want suggestions? This thread has many very specific suggestions. It doesn't sound like you are open to following any of them, including easing up on the potato chips. What are you going to do if she sneaks potato chips a third time? Take away screen time for infinity?

You aren't getting it. Please go back and read this entire thread.

While this PP and others raise some valid points, I think you should cut this mother some slack. She may be too strict about some things, and clearly frustrated, but she is just being honest about her feelings. I don't think it is possible never to compare your children, or never to think of them in terms of their strengths and weaknesses. One of the things that gives me pause when I think about adopting is that I'm not sure how well I'd be able to handle a child who struggles academically. I grew up in a family of high achievers that valued education above all else. I'm no genius, but academics were always so easy for me, that even with my own daughter who is bright and not SN I sometimes find myself getting exasperated and yelling when she fails to grasp something that seems obvious. This mom adopted a child who has special challenges and accepted her as her own from the start. She doesn't yell, she is careful not to say hurtful things, and she spends a lot of time and energy on tutors and therapists to help her daughter succeed.

OP, I admire you, but if you cut yourself some slack and let the perfect nutrition and the homework checking and the screen time policing at your house slide for a bit, I think your kids would benefit too, both of them. Also, please don't take away outside time as punishment. Today's children spend too little time outside as it is. Time spent "just playing" is very important to all childrens' development, but I imagine active play to be especially important for a child who struggles to sit still and focus for long periods of time.

Nearly all kids lie about crap like this. Asking about homework clearly isn't sufficient oversight for many children, so look at her work.

Does she lie about stuff that other kids don't lie about?

Anonymous wrote:DD is 11, has a slight learning disability but is very sweet and mostly hard working even though she struggles in school. Pre teen defiance has raised it's ugly head. We've had troubles with her not emptying her lunch box or book bag when she comes home from school. She sometimes "forgets" to give us notes from her teacher and vice versa. We find rotten bananas in her book bag. Now she is required to put her book bag at my feet when she comes home so we don't miss anything. She was punished with 2 weeks of no screen time-computer, TV, Wii after this particular issue ended up with our missing something really important. Then it was expanded to 3 weeks when her sister found unfinished homework in the trash.

She takes her punishment without complaint. I decided to make it a permanent policy that she hasno TV or computer or Wii during the week and very limited on the weekend and during breaks and to go to the reward system. When I catch her doing something particularly worthy I call her to me and give her back some of her beloved screen time. She likes that.

I detest potato chips. I think they are unhealthy but she likes them a lot. Her father does most of the grocery shopping and he buys them cause he likes them with a sandwich. I limited her to chips with a sandwich at lunch time but not at snack time when I always have fresh fruit available. Yesterday I saw her at the table doing her homework and asked her what she was having for snack. She told me grapes. Fine. She goes to the bathroom and I check her homework only to find a bowl of chips. I picked them up, put them in the trash and told her how disappointed i was not only in getting the chips but mainly for telling me a lie. I couldn't even talk to her anymore and left the room. Two hours later she asked if she could go outside to play ball with the dog and I asked her if she had finished her homework. She said yes. She played and then about 30 minutes before bedtime I asked her if she was ready for reading when she told me she had to finish her homework. Another lie. 2 in about 4 hours.

DH is out of town for the first time in 3 weeks. Could that have anything to do with it? I'm grasping for straws here. Any suggestions? I've taken away what she loves the most-screen time and playing outside with the neighbor girl for a week as punishment for another lie last week.

Thoughts?

Sounds my 11 year old twins and their 11 year old friends. So, what is the point you are trying to make here? I guess I'm missing it. Your daughter sounds pretty average to me. Lighten up and stick close to her so she will talk to you and not shut you out like she will do if you continue going off about the small stuff.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I used to lie to my mom for the same reasons many pps are telling you. Telling her the truth was scary. I'd get disciplined, get things taken away, had to deal with my mom's disappointment, etc. Much easier to lie. You also mention that her sister found the unfinished homework in the trash and told you. is the other sister better behaved, does better in school, has screen time, etc? Your daughter may have realized that she is the screw up kid, so why bother? I also had a perfect brother. I am also adopted and used to think "I'm such a screw up, they probably regret adopting me."

your post makes me so sad. I recognize myself as your daughter and you as my mom. She was so resistant to the fact that she waa doing things to make the dynamic worse, that it took years for us to have any kind of trusting and close relationship. I hope you will re read these posts and think about them rather than being dismissive.

Yes, her older sibling is only 4 months older and a straight A student with printer quality handwriting. We try so hard not to compare her to her sister. We never say stuff like "Your sister never does that" or "Why can't you be like sister?" We have known since they were infants that one would always be more advanced than the other. Funny thing is sister who is so "perfect" is extremely shy around anybody else except family while this little girl is a social butterfly always flitting about. Kind of neat how they seem to make up for the shortcomings of each other. And the next set of siblings are 19 years apart in age so not much comparison there. With this little girl I've known almost from day one(she came home at 7 months after spending her first months of life in an institution) that she was different, that she would struggle- you know how a mother just knows these things? She was slow on all her early childhood benchmarks and had and still has some sensory integration issues. All this has made me want to protect her all that more. I can't even begin to understand how difficult it must be for parents of handicapped children to NOT coddle and hover over their children.


I think what I will do about the chips is let her have a reasonable amt of chips as snack two days a week after school if the other days are fresh fruit and let her decide and keep track.

Not sure what else I can do but I'm always open for suggestions, thanks all

I've highlighted the judgmental words in your post, especially "shortcomings." You don't seem to even be aware of it. You don't have to say anything, your DD knows she's the lesser child.

You say you want suggestions? This thread has many very specific suggestions. It doesn't sound like you are open to following any of them, including easing up on the potato chips. What are you going to do if she sneaks potato chips a third time? Take away screen time for infinity?

You aren't getting it. Please go back and read this entire thread.

Anonymous wrote:OP there have been many suggestions given to you on here. I'd suggest a parenting session or something. Just the way you talk about her is so sad. I'm sure she can tell this is how you feel about her.

We do not yell in our home. We do not hit. We are a loving family, and I have read many books, attended many parenting classes and watched many TED talks. I've found little info or help with pediatrician and quite frankly didn't expect much. We see the special education teacher, speech therapist, math tutor all her teachers for educational help. I've been advocating for this child at every turn since we adopted her, so to suggest I "don't like her" is absurd.

OP there have been many suggestions given to you on here. I'd suggest a parenting session or something. Just the way you talk about her is so sad. I'm sure she can tell this is how you feel about her.

Anonymous wrote:I used to lie to my mom for the same reasons many pps are telling you. Telling her the truth was scary. I'd get disciplined, get things taken away, had to deal with my mom's disappointment, etc. Much easier to lie. You also mention that her sister found the unfinished homework in the trash and told you. is the other sister better behaved, does better in school, has screen time, etc? Your daughter may have realized that she is the screw up kid, so why bother? I also had a perfect brother. I am also adopted and used to think "I'm such a screw up, they probably regret adopting me."

your post makes me so sad. I recognize myself as your daughter and you as my mom. She was so resistant to the fact that she waa doing things to make the dynamic worse, that it took years for us to have any kind of trusting and close relationship. I hope you will re read these posts and think about them rather than being dismissive.

Yes, her older sibling is only 4 months older and a straight A student with printer quality handwriting. We try so hard not to compare her to her sister. We never say stuff like "Your sister never does that" or "Why can't you be like sister?" We have known since they were infants that one would always be more advanced than the other. Funny thing is sister who is so "perfect" is extremely shy around anybody else except family while this little girl is a social butterfly always flitting about. Kind of neat how they seem to make up for the shortcomings of each other. And the next set of siblings are 19 years apart in age so not much comparison there. With this little girl I've known almost from day one(she came home at 7 months after spending her first months of life in an institution) that she was different, that she would struggle- you know how a mother just knows these things? She was slow on all her early childhood benchmarks and had and still has some sensory integration issues. All this has made me want to protect her all that more. I can't even begin to understand how difficult it must be for parents of handicapped children to NOT coddle and hover over their children.


I think what I will do about the chips is let her have a reasonable amt of chips as snack two days a week after school if the other days are fresh fruit and let her decide and keep track.

Not sure what else I can do but I'm always open for suggestions, thanks all

9:27, just reread Ops post saying they had the epiphany that she'll never be the academic standout like her siblings. I feel like crying. luckily my parents were never that cruel. It seems like you constantly tear her down. please read what pps are saying.

I used to lie to my mom for the same reasons many pps are telling you. Telling her the truth was scary. I'd get disciplined, get things taken away, had to deal with my mom's disappointment, etc. Much easier to lie. You also mention that her sister found the unfinished homework in the trash and told you. is the other sister better behaved, does better in school, has screen time, etc? Your daughter may have realized that she is the screw up kid, so why bother? I also had a perfect brother. I am also adopted and used to think "I'm such a screw up, they probably regret adopting me."

your post makes me so sad. I recognize myself as your daughter and you as my mom. She was so resistant to the fact that she waa doing things to make the dynamic worse, that it took years for us to have any kind of trusting and close relationship. I hope you will re read these posts and think about them rather than being dismissive.

Faze, not phase.

Anonymous wrote:This girl has repeated 1 grade and had to go to summer school every summer since 3rd grade so I would not let her fail anything. I don't think that would phase her really.

I'll tell you my biggest fear. She will hit middle school next year and I don't want her to be one of those young teens who gets her positive reinforcement from attention from boys. Middle school can be a mine field for the best of students but I fear a girl not having positive experience academically might be too much under the influence of boys. We had an epiphany this summer. I realized she would never be an academic standout like all her siblings so we had to find other areas to give her confidence. She loves to cook and bake so we encourage that. She loves to run so we are hoping she can take track in middle school. She's not much for sports and wanted to drop out of ballet after only l season. fine. I won't force her. I'm constantly looking for ways to praise her. Still she has to do her homework and she has to study. I just can't let it slide and I don't think she wants to let it slide. She likes to read comic books which we had trouble with but were told by educators that comics are fine. OK. Now I have asked her to make her own comic books. fun for awhile.lost interest.
we will keep trying. she is definitely worth it. whatever it takes.

No one is questioning your love for your daughter but if you read all the posts here you've got to be picking up on the unusual (for DCUM) agreement that your approach isn't going to work. You already know this which is why you posted in the first place, yet you are backpedaling and being defensive. Go back and read these posts with a more open mind. Many of us have struggled with our children and have learned a few things in the process.

Lets start with academics. Your DD has a learning disability. My sense is that it hasn't been fully diagnosed (again, have you had her screened for ADHD?). This idea that if you change your approach you "will let her fail" is just wrong. She fails because the school isn't meeting her needs. Let me say that again: the school isn't meeting her needs. This idea that you are responsible for her grades is just wrong and destructive. And you are actually undermining her education because you are shielding her teachers from her struggles. They can't address her needs if you are haphazardly trying, and failing, to address them at home.

You need to take all that energy and become her advocate. Get a proper and thorough evaluation so you can better address her needs. And then seek the appropriate supports at school. If you don't do these things, get her the supports that will allow her to thrive, then, yes, you are letting her fail. And if you've done this and she's still struggling you need to advocate even more. I suggest you post in the SN section for more specific advice.

Finally, why did you turn her love of comics into a bad thing by telling her to make her own? She had this one thing that she enjoyed (and I agree with her teachers -- as long as she is reading, it shouldn't matter what. In fact, comics have become quite sophisticated.) and you made it a burden. What I see is that she has high achieving siblings and while you say you've changed your expectations, you really haven't completely. She likes to read comics? OK, we'll turn her into a comic book creator!

This kid needs some space in which to breath and relax. I read your posts and i want to come over to your house with a stack of comic books and a giant bag of potato chips. Please lay down your defensiveness and read what we've written here.

As long as my kids eat their dinners (including some veg/fruit), then i don't really care what they eat for snacks. I limit the time of the snack b/c it can be too close to dinner.

Buy some of the individual chip bags and tell her: enjoy!-- have one with her homework everyday and let it go. As for the homework, don't get all emotionally distraught and angry about it. Tell her you don't like the lie, but you understand she wanted to go outside. From now on, she shows you the homework when she's done (and/or you let her go outside before doing homework). Check it, but don't hover while she's doing it. She can come to you for help. It subtly gives the message that you believe she has the ability to do her own homework. If she doesn't know how to do somethign and doesn't understand your explanation or doesn't ask for help, then she should write on her paper "I don't know how to do this." Her teacher should be aware that she doesn't understand it.

Anonymous wrote:It's good to be mindful of what she eats but your policing of her food intake will give her lifelong food issues. And agree with others that your behavior and punishments are making her lie. Maybe you should look into counseling for yourself and your control issues.

+1. OP, you should get counseling or throw yourself into some good parenting books. You don't have to let her fail, but if she doesn't want you standing over her shoulder while she works (do YOU like it when people do this to you???), then back the f off. You are signaling to her that you don't think she's smart enough to do her homework when you do that. I'm so very sorry that it's a pain for you to review it afterwards, but that's tough. You sound like you think she's some kind of project for you. She's a person. Have some empathy and treat her as such.