Reply to Sexual Frustration as Romantic Motivation

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Every couple's equation is unique.

I would be over the moon if my DH initiated more sex, more frequently and aggressively - even if I was not in the mood.

But then it could be because as an avid reader of romance novels, I view sex as an extension of  his love for me and my desirability.  [/quote]

OP - this is kind of what I was thinking. As it is now, my initiations are kind of lackluster, to be honest. Rejection stings in proportion to how much effort I put into the initiations. If I say, "wanna do it?" and she says "no," it's not so big of a deal. If I pick her up and start carrying her off to the bedroom and she says "get off of me" that hurts more. But, if she's in the mood, or at least open to the idea that night, carrying her up to the bedroom is much better than just kind of asking in a half-assed way.

As for the other PP, [b]I think the non-sexual touching, conversations, doing nice things, etc. might be the missing ingredient in certain marriage dynamics. But I don't think that's my situation. I think we have a fair amount of that going on already.  If I added more of that stuff to our current dynamic, my suspicion is that it would come off as weak, needy, and unattractive.[/b] [/quote]

NP.  Non-sexual touching, doing nice things, conversations, etc., do NOT come off as weak, needy, or unattractive!  I can guarantee that most women would appreciate more of all those things and you would probably get more sex as a result.  There is nothing weak about being loving and kind.  The recipient would have to be screwed up to think otherwise.[/quote]

I think there is a distinction between doing those things in the first place versus doing *more* of those things hoping that the end result might somehow be more sex. The former isn't weak or unattractive; the latter is. It's a covert contract that I think a lot of us guys have around sex; and it's deeply unsexy. I think part of being a good spouse is doing your fair share and that, if you don't do those supportive things, it might cause your wife to resent you and not want to have sex with you. Not doing those things might kill libido; but doing them won't create libido. You might hate your husband because he never does the dishes; and that resentment is going to override any attraction you might otherwise have. But, him doing the dishes isn't going to cause a stirring in your loins. [/quote]

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