She might start out just kind of going along with it; but very often, if we get started, she gets into it. Probably I just need to stop over thinking it; go for it if I want to have sex with her, and if she says "no"; be pleasant about it, and go off and find other entertainments.

I remember reading something a couple of years ago - wish I could find it, but it was a legit source - that said this is extremely common with women over a certain age (probably 35 or 40). They just need some time to get into it, and then they're good.

Unfortunately, it's one of those things nobody ever talks about even though it is totally normal. So we all rush to assume "no sex drive" or "I never want it" instead of giving ourselves (or our spouses) a chance.

Anyway. My husband has a lot of success with a slow build up...he can stroke my arm gently while we're watching TV, or kiss my neck a little bit. Ease me into it, before I even realize it, I'm ready to go. I never even have to ask myself if I want to have sex - clearly I do, and the logistics that sometimes get in the way (I have laundry/cleaning/work to do!) just sort of melt away. DH also has a lot of success when he's really worked up and behaves assertively; it's attractive that he finds me that attractive.

What almost never works is him asking if I want to go to the bedroom and have sex. If I have the chance to think on it too long, I'll start thinking about all the other shit I have to do, or I'll feel like I have to turn the switch instantly from off to on.

OP, I am a wife in your situation. I thought that letting the tension build up would lead to better relationship, but it just led me to being snappish. Taking care of myself regularly was/is the only way to avoid my husband getting the "upper hand" in the relationship. I still initiate 100% of the time, but I am more likely to do so at a frequency he can handle, rather than wanting it every other day, which annoyed him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every couple's equation is unique.

I would be over the moon if my DH initiated more sex, more frequently and aggressively - even if I was not in the mood.

But then it could be because as an avid reader of romance novels, I view sex as an extension of his love for me and my desirability.

OP - this is kind of what I was thinking. As it is now, my initiations are kind of lackluster, to be honest. Rejection stings in proportion to how much effort I put into the initiations. If I say, "wanna do it?" and she says "no," it's not so big of a deal. If I pick her up and start carrying her off to the bedroom and she says "get off of me" that hurts more. But, if she's in the mood, or at least open to the idea that night, carrying her up to the bedroom is much better than just kind of asking in a half-assed way.

As for the other PP, I think the non-sexual touching, conversations, doing nice things, etc. might be the missing ingredient in certain marriage dynamics. But I don't think that's my situation. I think we have a fair amount of that going on already. If I added more of that stuff to our current dynamic, my suspicion is that it would come off as weak, needy, and unattractive.

NP. Non-sexual touching, doing nice things, conversations, etc., do NOT come off as weak, needy, or unattractive! I can guarantee that most women would appreciate more of all those things and you would probably get more sex as a result. There is nothing weak about being loving and kind. The recipient would have to be screwed up to think otherwise.

I think there is a distinction between doing those things in the first place versus doing *more* of those things hoping that the end result might somehow be more sex. The former isn't weak or unattractive; the latter is. It's a covert contract that I think a lot of us guys have around sex; and it's deeply unsexy. I think part of being a good spouse is doing your fair share and that, if you don't do those supportive things, it might cause your wife to resent you and not want to have sex with you. Not doing those things might kill libido; but doing them won't create libido. You might hate your husband because he never does the dishes; and that resentment is going to override any attraction you might otherwise have. But, him doing the dishes isn't going to cause a stirring in your loins.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every couple's equation is unique.

I would be over the moon if my DH initiated more sex, more frequently and aggressively - even if I was not in the mood.

But then it could be because as an avid reader of romance novels, I view sex as an extension of his love for me and my desirability.

OP - this is kind of what I was thinking. As it is now, my initiations are kind of lackluster, to be honest. Rejection stings in proportion to how much effort I put into the initiations. If I say, "wanna do it?" and she says "no," it's not so big of a deal. If I pick her up and start carrying her off to the bedroom and she says "get off of me" that hurts more. But, if she's in the mood, or at least open to the idea that night, carrying her up to the bedroom is much better than just kind of asking in a half-assed way.

As for the other PP, I think the non-sexual touching, conversations, doing nice things, etc. might be the missing ingredient in certain marriage dynamics. But I don't think that's my situation. I think we have a fair amount of that going on already. If I added more of that stuff to our current dynamic, my suspicion is that it would come off as weak, needy, and unattractive.

NP. Non-sexual touching, doing nice things, conversations, etc., do NOT come off as weak, needy, or unattractive! I can guarantee that most women would appreciate more of all those things and you would probably get more sex as a result. There is nothing weak about being loving and kind. The recipient would have to be screwed up to think otherwise.

Anonymous wrote:

Then leave.

No.

Then don't complain. Or let him go "outside the marriage." Unless you both agreed to a sexless marriage beforehand.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Then leave.

No.

Well then, keep being sick about hearing about his needs. Not sure why he'd stay with you though.

Duh. Because she's wonderful.

Oh, right. My mistake.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Then leave.

No.

Well then, keep being sick about hearing about his needs. Not sure why he'd stay with you though.

Duh. Because she's wonderful.

Anonymous wrote:

Then leave.

No.

Well then, keep being sick about hearing about his needs. Not sure why he'd stay with you though.

Anonymous wrote:

OP - this is kind of what I was thinking. As it is now, my initiations are kind of lackluster, to be honest. Rejection stings in proportion to how much effort I put into the initiations. If I say, "wanna do it?" and she says "no," it's not so big of a deal. If I pick her up and start carrying her off to the bedroom and she says "get off of me" that hurts more. But, if she's in the mood, or at least open to the idea that night, carrying her up to the bedroom is much better than just kind of asking in a half-assed way.

Do you guys have underlying issues? Because as a woman I feel like if I love my man and he wants to have sex I will at least lay there and let him do it, even if I'm not in the mood. However, if I'm secretly really angry with him, or I'm depressed, or I think I'm ugly, then I may not. !

We have ups and downs, but our marriage is pretty solid; so I wouldn't say we have underlying issues in any significant way. Part of my hesitancy in initiating - aside from the rejection - is the fear that she will just lay there and let me do it. I'd rather masturbate if she's not into it.

But, even that isn't so cut & dry. She might start out just kind of going along with it; but very often, if we get started, she gets into it. Probably I just need to stop over thinking it; go for it if I want to have sex with her, and if she says "no"; be pleasant about it, and go off and find other entertainments.

I'm not interested in having sex period. I'd like to live alone.

Yes.

When my husband does initiate, it's always preferred that he be assertive. I cannot express how much better it is when he is assertive. And usually he is more assertive when he's had to wait, for whatever reason.

OP - this is kind of what I was thinking. As it is now, my initiations are kind of lackluster, to be honest. Rejection stings in proportion to how much effort I put into the initiations. If I say, "wanna do it?" and she says "no," it's not so big of a deal. If I pick her up and start carrying her off to the bedroom and she says "get off of me" that hurts more. But, if she's in the mood, or at least open to the idea that night, carrying her up to the bedroom is much better than just kind of asking in a half-assed way.

Do you guys have underlying issues? Because as a woman I feel like if I love my man and he wants to have sex I will at least lay there and let him do it, even if I'm not in the mood. However, if I'm secretly really angry with him, or I'm depressed, or I think I'm ugly, then I may not. I agree with your other post that her taking out the IUD is probably a step in the right direction to taking care of any physiological issues that may be going on.

Also, as for the initations, this is something I'm having an issue with right now too. DH and I are sexless like you, different situation though as I am the one who wants it more. But when he initiates he will just walk up to me and say "Do you want to have sex?" For me that's fine because I'll take it when I can get it around here. But for most women, that is just not going to work. It's a habit we get into as married people, but if we were strangers, or just dating, he would never use that as a come-on to try to have sex with me.

If you haven't already, just make out with her, try just kissing her, massaging her back, kissing her neck. Tell her she's beautiful no matter what she's wearing, especially if she's in her pajamas or something like that. Do some cleaning (not saying you don't already) or some item of housework that she's been wanting you to do, or that she thinks she'll have to do herself. These are ways to turn on a wife. If you do this and she feels she's being manipulated, like she says "Oh, you're just doing this so I'll have sex with you" then you're going to have to do this a couple of times without going for the sex first. The idea is to get her turned on to the point where she is trying to have sex with you. HTH!

I am wonderful.

Anonymous wrote:I hope my husband's dick breaks and falls off while he handles his business. I'm sick of hearing about his needs.

You sound wonderful!

Then leave.

No.