Reply to getting divorced and DH and I disagree on child custody

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[quote=Anonymous]I have an ex who is not really able to manage the daily responsibilities/administration of kids, so I know where you're coming from.  First, if I were you, I would insist on "right of first refusal" in the custody agreement.  This means that whatever you agree on in terms of "custody share", if your ex is not able to personally be with the kids during "his" time, he must ask you first if you would like to spend that time with them, before he looks for a sitter or family member and vice-versa.

Second, I would do what you can to facilitate the early bedtime on your end.  For example, if you are able to pick up the kids after school and supervise homework and feed them, then do so every day.  You can do the whole homework, dinner, and bath routine so that all your ex has to do is pick them up in their jammies, take them home and put them to bed.  There is nothing magical about "having family dinner" that can't be accomplished by "having family breakfast".  Talk to your ex, make sure that he knows you fully support him having the kids, but given his work schedule you suggest that you get the kids all prepped (homework, dinner, bath) and that the ex focus in the evenings on getting them home, having a calm soothing family story time and putting them to routine bed.  Encourage him to make new special family routines in the morning at his house -- they make breakfast together, kids help set the table, he does something special that only happens at his house (pancake or waffle making?), etc.  Anyway, wouldn't he like to have fun/cheery time with them in the morning when they are fresh, rather than cranky, rushed, stressed time with them in the evening when they are over-tired and he feels like there is a lot to do before they can be put to bed.

Depending on the timing and how you get along, maybe you can even have him in your home for dinner.  (i.e. if he would get to your house for pickup at 7pm, but that is normally in the middle of dinner, invite him to sit down with you and then take the kids afterwards instead of making the kids wait for a late dinner and then get cranky.  Of course, this only works if you two can not fight.)[/quote]

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