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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I wouldn't fret at all about what the preschool teacher said -- sounds like she was just trying to help.

The Explosive Child mentioned above s a really good book to read.   Also check out this website:

http://www.thinkkids.org

especially this page:   http://www.thinkkids.org/learn/our-collaborative-problem-solving-approach/

And this inventory of lagging thinking skills:  http://www.thinkkids.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/TSI_clinical-9-12.pdf

All kids develop the thinking skills they need to become flexible problem solvers but they do it at different rates, and it is possible for a 3.5 year old to be delayed in certain areas compared with his peers.     What really helped me with my son was to realize he was about 1-2 years delayed in his ability to regulate his behavior.   That didn't mean that I accepted his behavior and didn't try to change it because it was beyond his control.   It just meant that the tactics that worked for most kids his age, wouldn't work for him until he was 2 years older!   And when he was 3.5, I really needed to treat him more like he was a 1 year old -- which did look like coddling, giving in to outsiders.

I am POSITIVE  could have gotten him diagnosed with ODD when he was younger, but there wasn't any reason to pursue the diagnosis. We honestly couldn't afford any therapy or treatment and I knew I was going to have to do it mostly myself.

Once I knew which thinking skills he was lagging in -- we made a plan, and just kept at it, trying to push him ahead in every skill in a very deliberate way.   And as his brain matured thankfully he caught up in some areas on his own.   He is 11 now and life is so much better -- he is a great kid, very mature for his age.   He is stlll tough, but our bond is strong because he knows that I hung in there with him and helped him instead of punishing him for behavior he couldn't control, and then punishing him because the punishments weren't motivating him to somehow do better.[/quote]

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