My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.
Free childcare is financial support.
Anonymous wrote:Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.
My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.
Yes, OP - I think you're right with this realization. But also, if it helps, try to think of it as the choices you and your husband are making that are right for YOUR family. What is best for your nuclear family will, by definition, be different than what is best for anyone else's - be that your parents, your brother, your friend, etc... If you and your husband start with a unified approach to these things, and are in agreement about the choices you're making, then your answer to your mother is "Thanks Mom but we're making decisions based on what's right for us." Period. Then you don't engage in any further discussion or questioning.
Your mother sounds kind of obnoxious (though I can imagine there being some cultural norms that are a little different than traditional american attitudes) and not particularly understanding or respectful of your choices. But you also sound very susceptible to her criticism (understandably) and maybe just a hair not fully on board with your husband's approach. Which is also understandable, but if you have invasive parents or in-laws it is CRITICALLY important not to let them see anything other than a united front from you and your husband. (I speak from extensive experience on this issue!!!)
In terms of your choices, I totally respect what you're doing in terms of financial security. Both my husband and I lived below our means when we were single and we still do so. We are financially conservative, put a high value on savings and emergency funds, and bought less than the biggest/grandest house we could afford. As a result, he and I virtually never fight about money, almost never have significant financial anxiety, are able to start college funds for our kids, can weather the impact of the current shutdown (which is hitting one of our salaries because of government contractor work), etc... I cannot tell you how much peace of mind our emergency fund gives me. It is huge, and so important. And far more important than anyone else's opinion of our financial decisions.
You sound like you are doing a terrific job to me. I'm sorry your mother is so judgmental and outspoken. You should be getting praise and support and admiration for the choices you're making, not criticism.
All the best to you.
Anonymous wrote:Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.
Anonymous wrote:
i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.
My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.
OP here. I think they would butt in regardless. They just have a really laaisez faire attitude towards money. I truly think it comes from having been diplomats where they were never expecting to stay here for very long plus a guaranteed pension plus the fact that their incomes weren't taxed... And their only point of comparison is the super rich super generous younger brother. And in their heads, I'm cheap and stingy bc I married a stingy man.
You give them way too much information. Why are you talking to them about this, much less in so much detail?
oP here: we're not really american even though we've lived here for a gazillion years; we're from a culture of extended families (DH as well, but not a diplomatic family) and being all together in the area, we act as sort of an extended family system... and while my parents don't know the dollar amounts of what we make, they know the vague estimates. they know our range for homes (and have always told us we should be reaching higher) and our locations.
i think what this thread has made me realize is that its wrong of me to need validation from them for my own choices. i should just won my own choices and decisions and they shouldn't have to approve for me to feel good about them.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.
My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.
OP here. I think they would butt in regardless. They just have a really laaisez faire attitude towards money. I truly think it comes from having been diplomats where they were never expecting to stay here for very long plus a guaranteed pension plus the fact that their incomes weren't taxed... And their only point of comparison is the super rich super generous younger brother. And in their heads, I'm cheap and stingy bc I married a stingy man.
You give them way too much information. Why are you talking to them about this, much less in so much detail?
Anonymous wrote:Your story about your parents is contradictory.
You said they were diplomats and never put much thought into where they would be living a year ahead and have no concept of a forever home.
Yet you said in the paragraph before that they bought a fixer upper and spent years and money on fixing it up.
Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to stop sharing so much with your parents re: $ and house purchasing. And when your Mom does comment, say thanks for your perspective and redirect the conversation. You do not owe her an explanation.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Your parents feel entitled to criticize your choices because they provide you with free childcare. Be independent financially from your parents and you can tell them that you must agree to disagree and LEAVE whenever they insist on bringing it up.
My parents have not provided me with any financial support for the past 25 years, and yet they criticize my decisions. But I just say, "we will have to agree to disagree on this one," and change the topic.
OP here. I think they would butt in regardless. They just have a really laaisez faire attitude towards money. I truly think it comes from having been diplomats where they were never expecting to stay here for very long plus a guaranteed pension plus the fact that their incomes weren't taxed... And their only point of comparison is the super rich super generous younger brother. And in their heads, I'm cheap and stingy bc I married a stingy man.