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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You are not alone.

Sadly, over the course of several eye-opening years, I have come to the realization that my mother will always let me down verbally (by being abusive) and physically (by refusing to care for the children, etc) when I need her the most. So logically the solution is not to rely on her, even for emergencies. But then of course she will complain that we have cut her off.

It's strange because that is exactly how she has lived her own life: my parents have never asked the slightest favor or help from anyone, and have never cultivated friendships. They only have one friend, and criticize her behind her back as soon as she goes home. How disturbing is that? It looks as if my mother waits until I'm vulnerable, then swoops in all helpful and sweet and then pulls the rug from beneath my feet.

Very mixed signals. I do my best to distance myself, and so should you.

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OP here.

Thank you. This is how I feel too.

As I said, I do not ask my mother for help or depend on her for childcare, so the advice to stop doing it is misplaced. I am simply trying to have a relationship with her. I am a mother now, so if she comes over, she will be interacting with my children as well. It can be very stressful for me.
I had a rough childhood with her. She did not protect me from an abusive father, but we both moved beyond that and forged a nice bond and relationship. Having kids has put a major strain on it. She really wants to be a grandmother and in their lives, but I cannot control what mood they will be in when she comes over. She prides herself on "helping" me. But she has no tolerance for normal kid behavior.
I am not going to bring it up with her. I will let it go and I suppose this is just the way it is. She is too old to change.

Thank you to the posters who know what I am talking about and gave tips and advice.
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