My mom is like this too. I'm sorry OP. Ignore the weirdos on this thread. Not sure why people come here to bully posters who actually want/need support, but whatever.

I remember well the feeling of being emotionally shut out by my mom. She would give us the silent treatment for MONTHS! When I was 7, I did something wrong. I don't remember what it was, but she didn't talk to me for 2 months. She wouldn't even look in my direction! It was horrible. As I got older, she would do this more and more, for more trivial stuff. Once I fell asleep on the couch in the living room after a marathon study session. I had a few hours to rest and needed to get back to studying. When my mom got home, she woke me up screaming that I looked "homeless" sleeping on the couch (my dad napped on the same couch every day, but I guess it was ok for him?), and then told me to do something about my appearance because I looked horrible (um yes multiple all nighters studying!). I was only about 16 or 17 at the time, and I was FURIOUS with her. She could care less how hard I was working (IB Exam time), and had the audacity to wake me up from a nap when I only had about an hour or two to rest. Also, she was just coming home to drop something off, so she wouldn't even have to look at me for that long. She didn't speak to me for over 4 months after that. Oh, and she tells everyone today that she was the reason I did so well on my IB exams. This all happened jeez, years and years ago, but I am brought back to that awful feeling of coldness when my mom shuts me out again.

Sorry for the long rant!

Not the OP, but the poster from the uninvite emotionally fickle mom from birth thread.
Just wanted to say the advice here is amazingly illuminating and extremely useful. Hope others with similar mothers happen upon this thread.

OP, just realize that your mom doesn't really want to help.

The mom seems like a bit of a drama queen, not enough to warrant full cutoff IMO.

Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Your kids were behaving terribly (as you admit) and your mom couldn't handle it so she left and seemed annoyed. I don't see the big deal. I'd be a little put off too if I showed up at someone's house to try to help them by watching their kids and their kids were not behaving.

Wow, PP, you have a very strange idea of what a grandmother or a caregiver is supposed to be. First of all, why shouldn't OP ask her mom to come help her watch the kids so she can get some work done? Isn't this something that grandmothers like to do? Second, you are living in a fantasy world if you think that because you have graced them with your presence, your grandchildren will be perfect little angels. Part of taking care of children is going through some of the hard stuff with them. Good grief, PP.

OP, I am sorry you are dealing with this.

OP, I feel for you, except my mom just yelled and lost her sh&t on me. And now, when I lose my temper, I feel like I have become her.

Your mom comes over. Your kids are acting poorly. Your mom decides to leave rather than lend the day with bratty kids. You eat upset that she won't discuss it with you. Seriously, OP, your mom is in a lose/lose situation. She either stays and subjects herself to your brats r she leaves and as you issued off. What exactly was she supposed to say to you that wouldn't have made you angry? I don't know too any mothers that want to listen to their mother criticize ther a renting or their kids. Saving sounds like a better option.

OP, I think you are very noble and forgiving towards your mother -perhaps too much so.
I also have a mom "with issues", I have tried to rejuvenate our relationship post kid - but when she started pulling off the same old shit, I just gave up.
Luckily we are thousands miles away from each other, I call and send her a monthly allowance - and consider my duty done.

Hi OP. I'm sorry you went through that tonight. I think the worse of what you described is how your mom just went completely cold.

My mom too has issues. I really think she has some kind of personality disorder, though not narcissism. She is very selfish and lacks a great deal of common sense. She is also emotionally immature, and will lash out at us. The way my mom acted when my father died is something that causes me physical pain when I think about it...and some of my siblings have an even harder time forgiving her.

However, after saying all this, the part you wrote about you still love her struck me, because I feel the same way. My mom is crazy, and flawed, and frustrating, but she is the only mother I will ever have. So I've adjusted my expectations. I know that she will not come to visit me, I have to visit her. I I know that I cannot rely on her to help me, but I can still take the kids over to visit and they enjoy playing at her house. I know that when I am there, I will be given a list of tasks to do, and I know that I am free to tell her that I can't help her with everything.

Basically, I guess I have found the best way to love her and have her in my life is just to accept her as is, and have no expectation that she would ever be like a normal, loving, mom. And it is also vastly important that I have siblings that I can vent to! They are the only ones who can truly understand.

huh - now that you say she was with an abusive person, this could just be her coping mechanism whenever something "bad" happens. I'm not a psychologist, but that makes some sense to me.

I think you are both more damaged than you realize. Not trying to say this in a nasty way, but knowing THAT about your relationship puts a different spin on this whole situation, you know?

Have you ever talked to a professional about the abuse? It seems that is a first step.

I'm the poster whose mother went to sulk tonight - my mother has an undiagnosed mood disorder that she refuses to see anyone about. It isn't easy to deal with an adult who refuses to admit they have a problem, so maybe your mother is a bit of a lost cause like mine. But you can always try to deal with your own scars.

Best of luck - we all have our weird family problems behind closed doors!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses.

As for the weird 20:13 and 21:10 posters, I don't expect my mom to do anything. She offers to help and likes to think of herself as a very involved grandmother. I know that when she comes over to help, I will get about 20 or 30 minutes alone to shoot off a work email or something b/c like the PP said, she can't really handle kids for much longer. The rest of the time I make her tea and talk to her. She lives alone and gets very lonely if she does not come over.

I wil look for the Shark Attack book, thank you!

More evidence of your self-centered views of a situation, OP, calling two posters who disagree with you "weird." It's your way or the highway, huh?

You're just mean.

Anonymous wrote:You are not alone.

Sadly, over the course of several eye-opening years, I have come to the realization that my mother will always let me down verbally (by being abusive) and physically (by refusing to care for the children, etc) when I need her the most. So logically the solution is not to rely on her, even for emergencies. But then of course she will complain that we have cut her off.

It's strange because that is exactly how she has lived her own life: my parents have never asked the slightest favor or help from anyone, and have never cultivated friendships. They only have one friend, and criticize her behind her back as soon as she goes home. How disturbing is that? It looks as if my mother waits until I'm vulnerable, then swoops in all helpful and sweet and then pulls the rug from beneath my feet.

Very mixed signals. I do my best to distance myself, and so should you.

OP here.

Thank you. This is how I feel too.

As I said, I do not ask my mother for help or depend on her for childcare, so the advice to stop doing it is misplaced. I am simply trying to have a relationship with her. I am a mother now, so if she comes over, she will be interacting with my children as well. It can be very stressful for me.
I had a rough childhood with her. She did not protect me from an abusive father, but we both moved beyond that and forged a nice bond and relationship. Having kids has put a major strain on it. She really wants to be a grandmother and in their lives, but I cannot control what mood they will be in when she comes over. She prides herself on "helping" me. But she has no tolerance for normal kid behavior.
I am not going to bring it up with her. I will let it go and I suppose this is just the way it is. She is too old to change.

Thank you to the posters who know what I am talking about and gave tips and advice.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the responses.

As for the weird 20:13 and 21:10 posters, I don't expect my mom to do anything. She offers to help and likes to think of herself as a very involved grandmother. I know that when she comes over to help, I will get about 20 or 30 minutes alone to shoot off a work email or something b/c like the PP said, she can't really handle kids for much longer. The rest of the time I make her tea and talk to her. She lives alone and gets very lonely if she does not come over.

I wil look for the Shark Attack book, thank you!

More evidence of your self-centered views of a situation, OP, calling two posters who disagree with you "weird." It's your way or the highway, huh?

You are not alone.

Sadly, over the course of several eye-opening years, I have come to the realization that my mother will always let me down verbally (by being abusive) and physically (by refusing to care for the children, etc) when I need her the most. So logically the solution is not to rely on her, even for emergencies. But then of course she will complain that we have cut her off.

It's strange because that is exactly how she has lived her own life: my parents have never asked the slightest favor or help from anyone, and have never cultivated friendships. They only have one friend, and criticize her behind her back as soon as she goes home. How disturbing is that? It looks as if my mother waits until I'm vulnerable, then swoops in all helpful and sweet and then pulls the rug from beneath my feet.

Very mixed signals. I do my best to distance myself, and so should you.

My mom and sisters go through this sort of thing a lot (I'm luckily in another country!). Things blow up and it seems like the end of a relationship, and then a new kind of relationship starts.

I'm not excusing your mom in any way, but try to think about what she's feeling right now. She feels like a failure. She wants to be the grandmother that the grandkids love, who's helpful to her daughter, etc. but it's not happening because (1) it's VERY hard to do; and (2) it's not in her nature.

So, bearing that in mind, leave her be to lick her wounds. Don't make a big deal of it. Don't let it get you down. Just learn from it (i.e. don't ask her to help with the kids again!) and be prepared to go on as normal when she comes back. I'm sure you'll get through this to a new stage.

Your mother has made it clear that she is not the person to watch your children. So don't ask her anymore. If she offers say "No thanks! They aren't capable of behaving the way you want children to behave around you and you don't deal well with your disappointment about that, so it's clearly best that you just not watch them (while they're in this stage). But thanks again! I really appreciate your offering!"