Reply to What constitutes a Betrayal in marriage?

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Reply to "What constitutes a Betrayal in marriage?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It sounds like people here are saying that if these things happen to you, it sucks and you just have to suck it up or else leave the marriage. But isn't that even worse for the other spouse? They aren't asking for a divorce. They just don't want to have to work to keep a roof over their head. Or they want to have 3-somes instead of having conventional sex with their spouse, or they just want to have a DINK lifestyle while their spouse pines for a baby. Why isn't the onus on them to repress their "urge" just like it is on a spouse with a dead bedroom to not have a ONS with someone they'll never see again? [/quote]

Of course the onus is on both partners to "repress their urge" of whatever is damaging the marriage. The original point is that not everything that is damaging to a marriage is "a betrayal" the way that cheating is "a betrayal" to most people. It is possible to have bad things happen in a marriage that are not cheating. Many of them are very painful, but many posters here whose partners have cheated on them are not willing to allow that any other kind of pain is on that level. It's a function of their trauma, but it definitely functions to minimize the trauma of other people.

The issue with the "onus" argument is that the only response that the wronged spouse has is to leave. If your husband decides he doesn't want kids after 5 years, that is probably traumatic on the same level of your husband deciding he wants to sleep with other women after 5 years, but your only recourse is to leave. You can't force him to have kids because he said he wanted them in the past. All you can do is be wronged and move on. People with betrayal wounds like this really crave some kind of restitution or atonement or for it to just work out the way they wanted, and that's just not always possible.[/quote]

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