Reply to Why do people change their mind and want to remarry again?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static. [/quote]

OP here. If we do break up, I am never going to be a jerk about it. In fact it's going to painful because she is perfect in every way.

I simply do not want to be married ever again.

Maybe I am sending signals to her that I am not committed enough and only marriage will show iron clad commitments? I hope not

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I think your stance and decision are fine. It's smart, actually, because it's so hard to blend families. It's good you know yourself and it's good you don't live together.

She also can change her mind and has decided she wants something different. I suspect you will probably break up but there are women who don't want to marry again and in time you will find that person and she will find someone too.

But it does mean she really loves and cares about you and wants to be with you more than she is. She's not getting what she wants now.[/quote]

OP here. You are correct. And she is absolutely allowed change her mind. She didn't do anything wrong. We do love each other. I just wish marriage was never going to be in the picture. Part of me is scared of being married again. We may end up breaking up because of me. I am just not ready to change my mind. We will talk about it more I'm sure as I avoided the subject when she brought it up. I just wanted to have the point of view of strangers on the Internet.

I am the issue and not her. She hasn't said anything wrong. I am just disappointed that me not being on board right away is letting her down.

Grrrr relationships are hard. Maybe I should have stayed single.[/quote]

OP, just be honest with her! Just tell her you love her, you feel like she is your person, you want to be with her and stay with her, but you need to be honest and say that at least right now, the thought of marrying again scares the hell out of you and makes you feel like running, and you know this is b/c of your own bad experiences, not her, but you're finding it stressful even to think about it. And let that open up a conversation where you ask questions, of herself and yourself! E.g., is this just a thought but not super important to her? Is she feeling like the more she thinks about it, the more she feels that she will eventually want to remarry and if you are a hard no and certain you will stay that way, she may need to move on? Or is she just exploring this idea herself, and isn't really sure how important it is?

And for you: what is it that scares you? Is it money stuff? (if so, you can talk about a pre-nup). Is it that you just feel like it is too soon and your head is not there? Are you really certain you would rather lose your "person" than even consider the possibility that maybe, in a few years, you might change your mind? Because people do change their minds. I got divorced after a long separation (six years) from an abusive spouse, and three years ago I was certain I would never want to remarry. But now, after two years in a loving and healthy relationship, I am no longer as sure as I used to be that I would never remarry. Sounds like your GF has had a similar trajectory, and you might too!

If you love her, I'd urge you to go into this not with "I'm hard no, I will never ever change my mind, so if you want to remarry that is a dealbreaker, I will end this relationship!" (Which I think comes from fear). Try to go into this being honest about your fears, and honesty about how right now you feel like your feelings won't change, but with some openness to the possibility that you might change your views, and a willingness to talk more about what she is now finding appealing about the idea and about other ways you might allay your fears, or hers.

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