Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static.

OP here. If we do break up, I am never going to be a jerk about it. In fact it's going to painful because she is perfect in every way.

I simply do not want to be married ever again.

Maybe I am sending signals to her that I am not committed enough and only marriage will show iron clad commitments? I hope not

I think your stance and decision are fine. It's smart, actually, because it's so hard to blend families. It's good you know yourself and it's good you don't live together.

She also can change her mind and has decided she wants something different. I suspect you will probably break up but there are women who don't want to marry again and in time you will find that person and she will find someone too.

But it does mean she really loves and cares about you and wants to be with you more than she is. She's not getting what she wants now.

OP here. You are correct. And she is absolutely allowed change her mind. She didn't do anything wrong. We do love each other. I just wish marriage was never going to be in the picture. Part of me is scared of being married again. We may end up breaking up because of me. I am just not ready to change my mind. We will talk about it more I'm sure as I avoided the subject when she brought it up. I just wanted to have the point of view of strangers on the Internet.

I am the issue and not her. She hasn't said anything wrong. I am just disappointed that me not being on board right away is letting her down.

Grrrr relationships are hard. Maybe I should have stayed single.

OP, just be honest with her! Just tell her you love her, you feel like she is your person, you want to be with her and stay with her, but you need to be honest and say that at least right now, the thought of marrying again scares the hell out of you and makes you feel like running, and you know this is b/c of your own bad experiences, not her, but you're finding it stressful even to think about it. And let that open up a conversation where you ask questions, of herself and yourself! E.g., is this just a thought but not super important to her? Is she feeling like the more she thinks about it, the more she feels that she will eventually want to remarry and if you are a hard no and certain you will stay that way, she may need to move on? Or is she just exploring this idea herself, and isn't really sure how important it is?

And for you: what is it that scares you? Is it money stuff? (if so, you can talk about a pre-nup). Is it that you just feel like it is too soon and your head is not there? Are you really certain you would rather lose your "person" than even consider the possibility that maybe, in a few years, you might change your mind? Because people do change their minds. I got divorced after a long separation (six years) from an abusive spouse, and three years ago I was certain I would never want to remarry. But now, after two years in a loving and healthy relationship, I am no longer as sure as I used to be that I would never remarry. Sounds like your GF has had a similar trajectory, and you might too!

If you love her, I'd urge you to go into this not with "I'm hard no, I will never ever change my mind, so if you want to remarry that is a dealbreaker, I will end this relationship!" (Which I think comes from fear). Try to go into this being honest about your fears, and honesty about how right now you feel like your feelings won't change, but with some openness to the possibility that you might change your views, and a willingness to talk more about what she is now finding appealing about the idea and about other ways you might allay your fears, or hers.

I’m a 51 year old divorced woman. I don’t want to get married again but l also wouldn’t use the word “never”.

It sounds like you really love her and are compatible. Your stance on never is totally fine. Reiterate it to her one more time If she’s changed her mind (it happens and is not a character flaw), or if she was misleading you (that would be a big problem), it’s better fir you to get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later.

Anonymous wrote:Why do people change their mind and want to remarry again?

I have been dating my girlfriend for about 2 years now. We are both divorced. We made it clear when we started dating that neither of us was interested in getting remarried. Now 2 years later, she asked me whether we should reconsider saying no to marriage ever. She didn't ask directly that we get married, she just said we should perhaps reconsider our position.

I am a hard No. I will absolutely break up over that. The fact that she even brought it up really turned me off. I have no desire to remarry. I am 46 and to be honest I rather be single and lonely for the rest of my life than go through marriage again.

Am I being unreasonable?

We both have descent money. We are both on track for retirement. We are not broke. Her child is a freshman in college and mine are in 10th grade and 7th grade. We don't need to do this. I don't get it.

Troll

Tell her your concerns and Develop a prenup to deal with all your fears. She obviously loves you and your wanting to draw a line in the sand means you either don’t love her or are not someone can solve problems.

I hope she finds what she wants. This isn’t it.

Her kid is out of the house and so she is free and clear to marry without it affecting her child ‘s every day life. Your kids aren’t, they still need you for day to day things and will for at least 5 more years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would be the difference in your relationship if you got married? (Finances aside). Do you live together? Do you spend most of your time together? Are you each other's "other person"?

I guess I've never fully understood why someone is so against marriage unless it's that level of commitment they are against. In which case, that's the issue here. She wants to be more committed/serious than you.

I do not want to be married again because my ex wife made the experience distaetasful. I am not against marriage I am just against marriage for ME. We don't live together. She suggested that at some point but I wasn't enthusiastic about it. I will say we are each other's person. I have a great relationship with her son, my kids like her. Every time we can get together, we do get together. In fact I have her as my emergency contact, primary contact etc.

I simply don't want to get remarried. Why is that not a realistic position? I am still committed to her.

You don’t want to live together even after your kids all move out? That may be realistic for you but not most people. I don’t ever want to get remarried but move in, yes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static.

OP here. If we do break up, I am never going to be a jerk about it. In fact it's going to painful because she is perfect in every way.

I simply do not want to be married ever again.

Maybe I am sending signals to her that I am not committed enough and only marriage will show iron clad commitments? I hope not

I think your stance and decision are fine. It's smart, actually, because it's so hard to blend families. It's good you know yourself and it's good you don't live together.

She also can change her mind and has decided she wants something different. I suspect you will probably break up but there are women who don't want to marry again and in time you will find that person and she will find someone too.

But it does mean she really loves and cares about you and wants to be with you more than she is. She's not getting what she wants now.

OP here. You are correct. And she is absolutely allowed change her mind. She didn't do anything wrong. We do love each other. I just wish marriage was never going to be in the picture. Part of me is scared of being married again. We may end up breaking up because of me. I am just not ready to change my mind. We will talk about it more I'm sure as I avoided the subject when she brought it up. I just wanted to have the point of view of strangers on the Internet.

I am the issue and not her. She hasn't said anything wrong. I am just disappointed that me not being on board right away is letting her down.

Grrrr relationships are hard. Maybe I should have stayed single.

I don't think she expected you to be on board "right away". But she brought up moving in together, and you declined. So she gave you more time. Now she's likely to either break up with you or push you for a timeline or at least moving in together. I suspect she's bringing it up now because she wants to get the wheels in motion for when you're both empty nesters. She's probably not willing to spend her healthy empty nesting years waiting around for someone who doesn't want the same thing she wants.

Personally, as a woman, I would not want to live with two teenage boys ever at all. Do you not have any custody?

Geez, you sound like a whiny loser.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would be the difference in your relationship if you got married? (Finances aside). Do you live together? Do you spend most of your time together? Are you each other's "other person"?

I guess I've never fully understood why someone is so against marriage unless it's that level of commitment they are against. In which case, that's the issue here. She wants to be more committed/serious than you.

I know I don't ever want to be taken advantage of again. If I want to get out I want to be able to just walk out a door. I dont want my money or health in jeopardy.

So you're not very committed. That's what it means to be not very committed!

I doubt your girlfriend thinks marriage prevents men from cheating on women. What it does, legally, is make it much more difficult to break up financially and legally. And that's probably something she likes about it. She wants to be with someone who likes her so much, or doesn't have whatever trauma you have, that is making you refuse the economic commitment that is marriage.

Really think about how much caregiving you can expect from a woman you are treating this way. You won't be healthy forever. The older you get, the more often things come up.

Anonymous wrote:She is allowed to change her mind.

Shes soft inquiring. You’re fully aware that won’t be the last time she checks the temp with you marriage

End the relationship

OP doesn’t need to end the relationship. Agreed, she soft inquired, and OP answered it. Ball is in her court if she wants to end things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can have different opinions and change your mind. Maybe she just said that at the beginning because she wasn't sure and wanted to agree with you and that was the way you were leaning. Its ok to break up and take a hard line but you will look like a jerk if you are mean about it. Personally I find being so one way on something this universally appreciated in society is weird. Life isn't that static.

OP here. If we do break up, I am never going to be a jerk about it. In fact it's going to painful because she is perfect in every way.

I simply do not want to be married ever again.

Maybe I am sending signals to her that I am not committed enough and only marriage will show iron clad commitments? I hope not

I think your stance and decision are fine. It's smart, actually, because it's so hard to blend families. It's good you know yourself and it's good you don't live together.

She also can change her mind and has decided she wants something different. I suspect you will probably break up but there are women who don't want to marry again and in time you will find that person and she will find someone too.

But it does mean she really loves and cares about you and wants to be with you more than she is. She's not getting what she wants now.

OP here. You are correct. And she is absolutely allowed change her mind. She didn't do anything wrong. We do love each other. I just wish marriage was never going to be in the picture. Part of me is scared of being married again. We may end up breaking up because of me. I am just not ready to change my mind. We will talk about it more I'm sure as I avoided the subject when she brought it up. I just wanted to have the point of view of strangers on the Internet.

I am the issue and not her. She hasn't said anything wrong. I am just disappointed that me not being on board right away is letting her down.

Grrrr relationships are hard. Maybe I should have stayed single.

Maybe she's looking for someone who has more interpersonal intelligence-- like someone who can understand why she would want to marry and not have such a tough time wrapping his head around it.

"I'm so very committed to you, but I'll never ever marry you and want to be able to walk away with all my money at any time" is not really that convincing, is it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would be the difference in your relationship if you got married? (Finances aside). Do you live together? Do you spend most of your time together? Are you each other's "other person"?

I guess I've never fully understood why someone is so against marriage unless it's that level of commitment they are against. In which case, that's the issue here. She wants to be more committed/serious than you.

I do not want to be married again because my ex wife made the experience distaetasful. I am not against marriage I am just against marriage for ME. We don't live together. She suggested that at some point but I wasn't enthusiastic about it. I will say we are each other's person. I have a great relationship with her son, my kids like her. Every time we can get together, we do get together. In fact I have her as my emergency contact, primary contact etc.

I simply don't want to get remarried. Why is that not a realistic position? I am still committed to her.

It is realistic, but it's not what she wants. It sounds like she doesn't want to do the wife-work without the wife-rights, frankly.

Unfortunately women have been "groomed" to believe that the only way to ensure that a man is committed to them is if they get married. The idea is that marriage has some guardrails that make men think twice before doing anything bad. Lol. Marriage doesn't stop men from misbehaving.