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[quote=Anonymous]Common story. Here are my suggestions

1.) You start out gently expressing concern and trying to empower them and be respectful, while respecting their autonomy. If that doesn't work you need to make clear YOUR boundaries. It's one thing to swoop in occasionally for emergencies, but my experience was it was years of more frequent issues and worse behavior. They need to know your boundaries. You need to think about what you can handle and if you haven't lived through many emergencies and chaos that is hard,

2. See if you can gently get them to agree to a social worker or case manager visiting to connect so they have a point person if you cannot be there for an emergency. Many emergencies happen in the middle of snowstorms, icestorms, etc. You need someone who can advocate and the hospital, and coordinate care at home.

3. If you think their driving is concerning, report to DMV. In some states they will force and evaluation. Also, let doctor know concerns so reflexes and other key things are assessed every visit.

4. Make sure their decisions are as informed as possible. There is a difference between taking the time to choose your living facility and having to accept wherever there is an opening after a crisis. There will be times you cannot drop everything and come for emergencies. If you don't have POA and they don't sign forms for doctors to consult with you they are tying your hands behind your back and there isn't much you can do when the crisis hits.

5. Accept that if they are cognitively OK, they get to make their own atrocious choices and that can mean a parent one day dying falling down the steps (happened to a friend's mom) or breaking a hip after a bad fall in the bathroom.

6 You cannot protect them from themselves without their consent, but you must try to protect others from them which means getting the DMV and Adult Protective Services involved if they are unsafe to drive. It can also mean down the line agreeing to sedation if you parent becomes violent with dementia and could harm staff.[/quote]

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