Where do you get elder care social workers?
Are they the ones that are "free" because they recommend facilities?

Anonymous wrote:We went through this with my very stubborn mom. She eventually fell and could not get to a phone for almost a day. She refused a Life Alert thing. She didn’t want to go to the hospital after the fall but I said I would call the police to do a welfare check and all the neighbors would see, so she agreed to the emergency room and never went home again.[b] It did not have to be so hard, but there was nothing we could do.

Look now into rehab and nursing homes and the like so you have a list for when they are needed. It was about eight years of a nightmare for us until she died.

I would definitely emphasize that once a crisis hits you have much less choice about where you go. Put it in writing in a letter.

This is an extremely common story. It is really the most likely outcome in situations like the OP describes.

Agree that continued driving not be left to an impaired elder. Too many others are at risk.

Resolve not to be this stubborn when you are their age.

Can any of their friends advocate for where they have moved?

Engage an elder care social worker. They know so much more about services, products and can sometimes speak with parents in a way their own children cannot….and be heard.

A plan in place often doesn't matter. I thought a plan, a good plan, would make all the difference. I even expressed anger at my parents that they had no plan. Now I don't feel that way. I'm 60. So I'm talking about the journey w/parents - mine and DH's. Turns out the "well" parent, the younger parent, the one going to the gym and not in and out of the hospital unexpectedly died first. And with my own parents, I also would never have been able to chart their course.

You make the best decisions -in the moment- and forgive yourself and your parents that neither of you have a crystal ball.

That doesn’t seem that old.
Good for him for mowing his own lawn. All that activity is good for him.

Don’t treat your parents like infants. Just remember, you are not that far off from being their age.

DH and I are starting to look at what our options are for aging. I think it might be a condo, with an elevator, and in home care, until/unless we need assistedl iving. the hardest thing I think is figuring out where to live--we've moved a lot and would like to be near our immediate families, but our own kids will likely move around for a while until they settle down. And I know from my own experience that its really hard if you do not have a child nearby. Even if you choose a CCRC, once the sh&t hits the fan, either a child is flying out/visiting frequently, or you are adrift on your own. My own mom eventually moved to assisted living (later memory care) near me, but the move was traumatic for her and likely accelerated her decline. On the other hand, she was not able to handle living on her own and had no one really to help her and even though we hired care, she still managed to get in a financial mess so that experiment ended.

Anonymous wrote:Heads up for elderly parents who think they can just call up a CCRC and move into independent living whenever they choose as they age. I just found out in our city in VA the too if the line place had a waiting list of over 600 couple and individuals!! It only cost $1000 once to get on the waiting list. So I would advise adult children to do some research including seeing the length of the WL and cost to get on. In ghe DNV at least you have many more options to research.

This. Definitely make sure their decision is informed. When an emergency happens they won't have their pick of place. It may not be you helping them move and sorting their stuff. Now that elders are living much longer and people are having kids later, sometimes there is just no way you do what they think you should. If your spouse has a serious health issue and say one of your kids is acting out, that is your priority. You hire a company to move your parents and for selling the house, you hire someone to sort their stuff. It's reality. Every sibling has some reason they can't be there because they had no chance to plan. You can't risk losing your job for this. If things are falling apart in your own home, you take care of that. A lot of parents don't understand this. They didn't deal with crisis after crisis. Their own parents either didn't insist on aging in place, or they died before the prolonged decline, or a sibling did it all. They get to do whatever they want, but they need to know the situation. Many make these decisions assuming you are on call day and night any time no matter what. My own mother tantrumed and insulted me when I spelling it out WHILE MY HUSBAND WAS IN THE HOSPITAL. She could not fathom that having an ill husband meant I was not on call day and night for her. She could afford any type of care she wanted and the most luxurious situation. She didn't do much for her own parents and yet she had all sorts of unrealistic expectations that we had to get out on the table. I'm glad I endured all that because we did create a sustainable situation for her with support near where she was and that was my ultimate goal-to make sure she had proper care as needed.

Heads up for elderly parents who think they can just call up a CCRC and move into independent living whenever they choose as they age. I just found out in our city in VA the too if the line place had a waiting list of over 600 couple and individuals!! It only cost $1000 once to get on the waiting list. So I would advise adult children to do some research including seeing the length of the WL and cost to get on. In ghe DNV at least you have many more options to research.

We went through this with my very stubborn mom. She eventually fell and could not get to a phone for almost a day. She refused a Life Alert thing. She didn’t want to go to the hospital after the fall but I said I would call the police to do a welfare check and all the neighbors would see, so she agreed to the emergency room and never went home again. It did not have to be so hard, but there was nothing we could do.

Look now into rehab and nursing homes and the like so you have a list for when they are needed. It was about eight years of a nightmare for us until she died.

I would definitely emphasize that once a crisis hits you have much less choice about where you go. Put it in writing in a letter.

Common story. Here are my suggestions

1.) You start out gently expressing concern and trying to empower them and be respectful, while respecting their autonomy. If that doesn't work you need to make clear YOUR boundaries. It's one thing to swoop in occasionally for emergencies, but my experience was it was years of more frequent issues and worse behavior. They need to know your boundaries. You need to think about what you can handle and if you haven't lived through many emergencies and chaos that is hard,

2. See if you can gently get them to agree to a social worker or case manager visiting to connect so they have a point person if you cannot be there for an emergency. Many emergencies happen in the middle of snowstorms, icestorms, etc. You need someone who can advocate and the hospital, and coordinate care at home.

3. If you think their driving is concerning, report to DMV. In some states they will force and evaluation. Also, let doctor know concerns so reflexes and other key things are assessed every visit.

4. Make sure their decisions are as informed as possible. There is a difference between taking the time to choose your living facility and having to accept wherever there is an opening after a crisis. There will be times you cannot drop everything and come for emergencies. If you don't have POA and they don't sign forms for doctors to consult with you they are tying your hands behind your back and there isn't much you can do when the crisis hits.

5. Accept that if they are cognitively OK, they get to make their own atrocious choices and that can mean a parent one day dying falling down the steps (happened to a friend's mom) or breaking a hip after a bad fall in the bathroom.

6 You cannot protect them from themselves without their consent, but you must try to protect others from them which means getting the DMV and Adult Protective Services involved if they are unsafe to drive. It can also mean down the line agreeing to sedation if you parent becomes violent with dementia and could harm staff.

We had the conversations and they said they are not that old. 90 and 88 yet the fall happened and can't go back to the way they were. They don't like it but they get really good care and it's a nice place. I tune out that they don't like it but it's the best for them.

Should have made the decision when they could instead of being forced into it.

OP here. Thanks for all the replies and insights. I think they are most certainly fossilized and missed the opportunity to move when they could have. They complain about the winter but will never be snowbirds as they’re very risk averse; one story about local retirees they know hating Florida and moving back after two years pretty much made the decision to never leave.

Anonymous wrote:I am in my 70s and refuse to get housekeeping services. The thought of trying to secure all our financial and tax info and valuables is more exhausting than scrubbing tubs.

This is really stupid...how often do you actually scrub your tub or the toilet or mop all the floors or dust...or really do any cleaning.

We have a safe at our house where all the valuables are stored. Not sure what you require to secure "all your financial, tax info and valuables" other than a large safe. I also assume you would be home while the cleaners are working.

As long as they are in control of their decisions, there is nothing you can do. When there is a crisis, pick up the pieces as best you can.

You can give them a heads up, that failing to make plans now, will lead to you making decisions in crisis mode later, which will limit their choices

Anonymous wrote:You can't force mentally competent adults to do what you want. It can be frustrating. I have been trying to get my dad to stop driving for the last two years, but he won't. He and my mom have chosen to live in a completely car dependent suburb where this is a major inconvenience to them, and he refuses to take taxis or to let us know when he needs to go places so that we can drive him. We do our best to prevent it but I know he still drives around his suburb and sometimes longer distances multiple times a week when we cannot be there.

You can get doctors to take their license, cant you?