Reply to Sibling Estrangement

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think sometimes siblings do and say things that they don't realize are hurtful/not acceptable/think are fine after years of the same behavior being tolerated. Then there is a moment were the person asserts themselves and cuts off contact.

The reality, a mature person would talk to the sibling, discuss, since in many cases the behavior was never intentional to harm, and frankly the person wasn't aware it was a problem. Might not even be aware that something they do is a problem for someone else.

Again, mature people talk these things out. Unfortunately, the person who is cutting ties WANTS no contact. They don't want to talk. Given that, there is nothing to do about it.[/quote]

This.  My spouse had this experience with their sibling. Got along great as adults, but sibling really struggled in keep a job and never left home, while my spouse was very successful in life professionally and personally.  One day sibling said where I am in life is all your fault, and because of bullying as kids. Wouldn’t give any examples or discuss; just said they know what’s true. That was it.  They haven’t spoken in years. [b]It’s weird because my spouse nor the family remember real bullying but everyone experiences things differently.[/b] It’s sad because they were so close, and sibling wouldn’t even attempt to talk it out.

This stuff happens OP. It’s sad. In my spouses case, the sibling is very mentally ill. In their 40s, hasn’t worked in years, really emeshed  with their mother like they are a couple. [/quote]

Two part answer here:
1) I agree that siblings who struggle find ways to blame many in their past for their lack of success. Easier than taking responsibility.
2) I watched a program on a family that thought they were fun and supportive, wrestling in what they thought was a loving way to show togetherness. When in reality, it terrified othe youngest sibling. He wasn't laughing in joy, he was silently crying.

Which leads me back to the idea that, as you said, not everyone remembers things the same way, or interprets things the same way. Also, I think that many older siblings can't admit, for their own mental health, that what they thought was good fun actually felt like bullying to the younger kid. (And I am an older sibling, not the younger.)[/quote]

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