Reply to How do you manage family visits involving kids (pre-teen and teen) and grouchy, sometimes abusive elderly grandparents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How much misogyny have you internalized that you’re blaming your mother for your father’s conduct? Where is your responsibility as your child’s parent? You, the parent, your father’s child, are the person responsible for saying “dad, that’s not how we talk to our family members”. You let your son down, your spouse down, and you’re blaming your mother. [/quote]

I more or less told him that, and as usual, it goes in one ear and out the other and he insists he is correct. This is who he's been all his life. And my mother defends him or tries to explain away his behavior. As far as I'm concerned, the only way to deal with the situation is to not visit. Remove the source of negativity and not invite the treatment upon ourselves. I bring my mother into this because she's the one who insists on the visits and wants the kids at their house. Do we visit more than we need to at this point? There's not much of a grandparent-grandchild relationship if every time my kids see them my father can't stop himself from being a jerk (and my husband doesn't like him much either, never did). [/quote]

Sorry you’re dealing with this. As you said, he’s been this way all his life and your mom minimizes, makes excuses, and probably gaslights and rewrites history.

You don’t owe your parents a relationship with your children when they are not emotionally safe adults for your children to be around. I would think carefully about bringing your children to visit if there is a next time. If you do bring your kids stay in a hotel and visit for an hour or two and mix in other fun activities that are just your family, so it’s not such a slog. If it’s prohibitively expensive with the travel and hotel then take even more time between visits with the kids than you do already. Or just honor your instincts, which are protective, and don’t bring the kids.

Your parents will 100% get worse as they age. [/quote]

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