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[quote=Anonymous]OP here. This has been really helpful and clarified my decision to work on acceptance (not easy, but the best path given all the variables).

In case it helps anyone else who loves someone with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), I thought I would share one thing that I think I've figured out.

I find he will comply with demands that are future-looking and specific.  For example, my mother is in memory care (that's a whole nother mess), and I said to him, "I'm going to see my mother tomorrow, and it would really help me if you text me a message of support."
He actually did that!!!! yay!!!

On the other hand, I think the PDA kicks in when it is emotional in nature or he feels criticized about an event in the PAST or questioned or threatened or something (I'm not sure precisely what it is). For instance, if I say in therapy "It really hurt my feelings that you did not say anything about my mother, and it would really help me if you would apologize."  That's when I get the dysregulated anger and the intransigence.

Ironically, my husband once mentioned this article to me because he thought it was interesting that so many people read it on the NYT.

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/11/style/modern-love-what-shamu-taught-me-happy-marriage.html

If it doesn't come up, google "new york times how i trained my husband like shamu." [/quote]

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