Reply to Allocating holidays and divorce

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[quote=Anonymous]A lot of this is you projecting what you value about holidays, combined with resentment towards your STBX.

The reasons for you having sole physical custody may be relevant, but assuming Dad is just incompetent and not negligent or abusive:

Courts make decisions based on what is in the best interest of the child, while preserving parental rights. I think you should keep these two things in the front of your mind:

1) A stable consistent schedule is in your child’s best interest,
2) having a strong relationship with both parents is in your child’s best interest.

For me, the day-to-day school year stability is paramount for a kid’s wellbeing. It is really hard on a kid to go between houses during the school week, especially as they get further along in school.

As for holidays, birthdays, etc, you will need to let go and give stuff up. Like PPs have said, you and your husband will make new traditions, which will include celebrating birthdays and holidays on different days.

I would offer the following:
Ordinarily, child is with mom Sunday-Th nights, and with dad every other weekend, F/Saturday nights. (If pushed, give dad every Thursday night, so EOW he will have three nights in a row.)
I would automatically swap long weekends (define these: MLK, Presidents Day, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day if your school district takes it) with Dad, if it falls on Mom’s time, with Mom taking the preceding or following weekend (if pushed, you just “give” these weekends to dad without a payback, because you are getting much much more time).
I would swap Thanksgiving break (from when school lets out until Sunday night), and Spring Break (when school lets out until Sunday night) over the school year (not a calendar year). One year you get Thanksgiving and he gets Spring Break. The next he gets Thanksgiving Break and you get Spring Break.
I would divide winter break in half. You get the first half (which will usually includes Christmas); he gets the second half. (If pushed, alternate.)
Then I would give each parent two weeks of vacation time in the summer, where you deviate from the normal schedule. Can be taken consecutively (since he needs to travel to a new country, right?), but doesn’t have to be. In odd years, Mom gets to pick her vacations weeks first. In even years, Dad gets to pick his vacation weeks first.

Be very specific about when time starts and ends, and how the swap is executed, and make sure it makes sense for your kid. I prefer 5 pm Sunday swaps because they allow the child time to come home, eat, finish homework if needed, and prepare for the week, but some families prefer swapping after dinner Sunday.
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