Anonymous wrote:Why have you been keeping your honest thoughts to yourself? You can be honest and kind at the same time. You shouldn't need to reach a breaking point and blow up to express valid concerns.

You can just tell him the truth . . . I see a pattern here. I don't believe it's going to change. It's causing me stress. I'm going to let go and let this be your situation to handle. I love you, and I want good things for you. At the same time, I can't participate in a toxic cycle any longer.

I'm not sure why gently explaining the truth didn't occur to you . . . I would consider why you walk on eggshells and think that dishonesty = kindness.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

What a terrible therapist. If they’re telling people this that might explain the crisis of estranged families

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you already know, OP. Yes, you set boundaries for how you will/won't spend your time. Telling your husband how to spend his isn't your place, and is highly likely to backfire, but you don't have to be part of it.

"Every time your mother hoovers you back in, it hurts my heart because I know how likely it is that she's just going to discard you, again, in a few month's time. I understand you want to spend time with you mom, but I don't. You deserves consistent, respectful love and it's hard for me to be around people who aren't willing/able to show you that love. I'll be at _______. Call me when you're back home."

And then you walk. Be there for him, be willing to listen if/when he wants to debrief, but you don't have to be there to witness this anymore. You've seen enough to see the pattern, and have communicated it to him. What he does with that is his business.

I'm sorry. This dynamic is rough. He's lucky to have someone who can help him get some perspective on her mess.

This is actually really helpful. Thanks for posting this. I know it’s what I have to do, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Im copying your script into my Notes app. Thanks again!

Glad it was helpful (minus the typos, but... yeah ). BTDT with my ex and his family, who tried to blame me, of course. The key is not to tell him he can't see his family. That way, when they try to triangulate you into it, and make you responsible for any argument or separation that might happen, you're clear. My ex still doesn't speak to his family and we've been split for 5+ years now; clearly it wasn't me. He finally came to see his family for who and how they are, and I spoke my piece and then stayed out of it.

Knowing it's right doesn't make it easier to do, but it'll make it easy for you to sleep at night. Best of luck with it!

Thanks! I have a feeling that without me holding his hand, he’s not going to want to make as much effort as he did in the past. I think he liked the idea of a “normal” family gathering, and will feel my absence. I definitely don’t want to prevent him from visiting by himself; more power to him!

I’m curious, with the holidays approaching, what did your first year of holidays look like? We typically host, so I don’t know what that will look like. Again, I don’t care if he goes alone, but I’m worried he will be annoyed or resentful that things don’t look/feel “normal”, even though it has NEVER been normal!

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH are not conjoined twins. Tell him you need a break from her and he needs to visit alone for the foreseeable future. It’s his mother and it is up to him to visit or not.

Anonymous wrote:You and your DH are not conjoined twins. Tell him you need a break from her and he needs to visit alone for the foreseeable future. It’s his mother and it is up to him to visit or not.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve spent 15 years watching my husband get caught in the same abusive cycle with his mother, who has untreated BPD. After a particularly rough year in my own life, I’ve reached my breaking point. I just can’t do it anymore.

The cycle is always the same:
She creates some sort of drama and cuts him off. Then, after a while, she returns with fancy dinners, expensive gifts, and promises. Things are okay for a bit, and then she discards him again. This year alone, they’ve gone no-contact three separate times. And every time they’re not speaking, it is so peaceful.

I think he keeps going back because, deep down, he still wants the loving, safe mother he never had as a child. I understand that. I really do. But I can’t sit by and be part of this anymore. I can’t keep watching him get hurt. I can’t keep watching him light up with hope when she pulls him back in, only to see that hope crushed again and again.

This past week was especially tough for me personally, and it coincided with her pulling him back in again after weeks of not speaking. I finally blew up and told him what I see happening, the cycle I described above. He seemed shocked to hear it laid out that way, and maybe some of it landed? But I’m under no illusions; he’ll keep doing this dance with her.
What I need to figure out now is how to get off this train. I can’t stop him from having a relationship with her, but I don’t want to be involved anymore. I can’t keep showing up, smiling, and pretending like I don’t know how this will end.

So how do I step back? Do I stand my ground and say I don’t want to see her for a while? Has anyone else been in this position and if so, how did you protect your own peace without destroying your marriage in the process?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

What a terrible therapist. If they’re telling people this that might explain the crisis of estranged families

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

Really not about you though

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you encourage your husband to get into therapy?

Oh, he’s in therapy, and his therapist had told him he doesn’t need to have a relationship with her, if he wants to cut ties. I don’t think he’s ready to do that, but I am.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised you only now told him what you’ve been observing for 15 years. And he seemed surprised. Do you not discuss things on a deeper, personal level, in general?

This is where I am. I don’t understand at all how he seems surprised by you telling him this. If you have just sweetly been his buffer with his mom for 15 years, you need to stop doing this. You don’t have to spend extensive time with this woman — nor do you need to spend hours or days picking up the pieces with him when he gets his heart broken (if this is happening). I’m not saying you need to be a jerk with no empathy, but there comes a point when you have to say “this is your relationship to manage both physically and emotionally. I’m not doing this.”

That said, what a holiday looks like depends on how far away this person is and whether you have kids. If you have to physically travel, then I would just say that I wasn’t willing to host her this year and that if he wants to go there (and perhaps take the kids), then you guys could have your big meal on Sunday when they return. If she lives close by, you could tell him that he should just run over there for a different meal time. Other local alternatives would include deciding to meet at a restaurant if you think you could tolerate two hours but not an all day thing at your house. There are lots of ways to do this.

And you are generally right that once you are no longer acting as a buffer, he may very well spend less time interacting with her. This could be very good for both of you.