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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't think people talk enough about how it feels for parents. Yes, obviously it's a phase, as the adult we have to handle it gracefully. But in every other relationship we have we are taught not to put up with dismissiveness, rudeness, conflict: we'd quit a job or complain to HR if a coworker or boss made our lives miserable every day, we'd get out of a relationship with a rude unhelpful partner, we'd cut off a friend who is always nasty to us. Here? We know that we have to strike a balance of still preserving some respect but also be calm, loving, be a rock in the phase of anxiety and change. Where does that leave us mentally and emotionally? It's really unhealthy for parents because so much sadness and frustration has to remain inside.[/quote]

I agree we should talk more about how it feels for parents to go through this. It *is* hard and requires a lot of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and maturity. A lot of us grew up with parents who didn't have any of that so we may be trying to do it without ever having had it modeled for us. I think talking about it, acknowledging how hard it can be, commiserating and supporting each other is really important.

BUT we need to never forget: these are our kids. This is not your boss, a coworker, your neighbor, a friend, your own mother or sibling, etc. We aren't merely interacting with these people, we are still actively parenting them and guiding them and they also do get more leeway in terms of making mistakes and doing dysfunctional things. Not leeway in the sense of overlooking that behavior and not correcting it or addressing it. But in staying patient and calm and not taking it personally. In saying "I don't like how you are talking to me and am not going to sit and accept it, but I will remind you that I love you and suggest that we discuss this again when you feel like you can do it without name calling and rudeness." And then proving that this is possible by having that conversation later without holding their prior behavior against them.

Yes it's hard, yes parents should be able to express and discuss that. But no, your 16 year old being rude, dismissive, or disrespectful is NOT the same thing as having an abusive boss or a friend who treats you badly. You have greater responsibility as a parent than you do in any of those relationships and you don't actually have the option of bailing just because your minor child is being disrespectful or mean. You have to hang in and finish the job.[/quote]

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