Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:45     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people talk enough about how it feels for parents. Yes, obviously it's a phase, as the adult we have to handle it gracefully. But in every other relationship we have we are taught not to put up with dismissiveness, rudeness, conflict: we'd quit a job or complain to HR if a coworker or boss made our lives miserable every day, we'd get out of a relationship with a rude unhelpful partner, we'd cut off a friend who is always nasty to us. Here? We know that we have to strike a balance of still preserving some respect but also be calm, loving, be a rock in the phase of anxiety and change. Where does that leave us mentally and emotionally? It's really unhealthy for parents because so much sadness and frustration has to remain inside.


Exactly. I have a friend who is struggling so much right now. She feels like she is grieving the loss of a child (obviously not the same - but a grief nonetheless). Another friend is apprehensive about talking about this issue because whenever she does, everyone blames her (especially since we live in a culture where its always the fault of the parent).
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:27     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people talk enough about how it feels for parents. Yes, obviously it's a phase, as the adult we have to handle it gracefully. But in every other relationship we have we are taught not to put up with dismissiveness, rudeness, conflict: we'd quit a job or complain to HR if a coworker or boss made our lives miserable every day, we'd get out of a relationship with a rude unhelpful partner, we'd cut off a friend who is always nasty to us. Here? We know that we have to strike a balance of still preserving some respect but also be calm, loving, be a rock in the phase of anxiety and change. Where does that leave us mentally and emotionally? It's really unhealthy for parents because so much sadness and frustration has to remain inside.


I agree we should talk more about how it feels for parents to go through this. It *is* hard and requires a lot of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and maturity. A lot of us grew up with parents who didn't have any of that so we may be trying to do it without ever having had it modeled for us. I think talking about it, acknowledging how hard it can be, commiserating and supporting each other is really important.

BUT we need to never forget: these are our kids. This is not your boss, a coworker, your neighbor, a friend, your own mother or sibling, etc. We aren't merely interacting with these people, we are still actively parenting them and guiding them and they also do get more leeway in terms of making mistakes and doing dysfunctional things. Not leeway in the sense of overlooking that behavior and not correcting it or addressing it. But in staying patient and calm and not taking it personally. In saying "I don't like how you are talking to me and am not going to sit and accept it, but I will remind you that I love you and suggest that we discuss this again when you feel like you can do it without name calling and rudeness." And then proving that this is possible by having that conversation later without holding their prior behavior against them.

Yes it's hard, yes parents should be able to express and discuss that. But no, your 16 year old being rude, dismissive, or disrespectful is NOT the same thing as having an abusive boss or a friend who treats you badly. You have greater responsibility as a parent than you do in any of those relationships and you don't actually have the option of bailing just because your minor child is being disrespectful or mean. You have to hang in and finish the job.


Well yes, that is exactly what I am saying. It's a unique relationship in which we HAVE to tolerate what's otherwise untolerable because we do have this responsibility. I'm not advocating for opting out, just saying it can do a number on our emotional health to do what needs to be done.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:24     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Anonymous wrote:I don't think people talk enough about how it feels for parents. Yes, obviously it's a phase, as the adult we have to handle it gracefully. But in every other relationship we have we are taught not to put up with dismissiveness, rudeness, conflict: we'd quit a job or complain to HR if a coworker or boss made our lives miserable every day, we'd get out of a relationship with a rude unhelpful partner, we'd cut off a friend who is always nasty to us. Here? We know that we have to strike a balance of still preserving some respect but also be calm, loving, be a rock in the phase of anxiety and change. Where does that leave us mentally and emotionally? It's really unhealthy for parents because so much sadness and frustration has to remain inside.


I agree we should talk more about how it feels for parents to go through this. It *is* hard and requires a lot of self-awareness, emotional regulation, and maturity. A lot of us grew up with parents who didn't have any of that so we may be trying to do it without ever having had it modeled for us. I think talking about it, acknowledging how hard it can be, commiserating and supporting each other is really important.

BUT we need to never forget: these are our kids. This is not your boss, a coworker, your neighbor, a friend, your own mother or sibling, etc. We aren't merely interacting with these people, we are still actively parenting them and guiding them and they also do get more leeway in terms of making mistakes and doing dysfunctional things. Not leeway in the sense of overlooking that behavior and not correcting it or addressing it. But in staying patient and calm and not taking it personally. In saying "I don't like how you are talking to me and am not going to sit and accept it, but I will remind you that I love you and suggest that we discuss this again when you feel like you can do it without name calling and rudeness." And then proving that this is possible by having that conversation later without holding their prior behavior against them.

Yes it's hard, yes parents should be able to express and discuss that. But no, your 16 year old being rude, dismissive, or disrespectful is NOT the same thing as having an abusive boss or a friend who treats you badly. You have greater responsibility as a parent than you do in any of those relationships and you don't actually have the option of bailing just because your minor child is being disrespectful or mean. You have to hang in and finish the job.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:23     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Anonymous wrote:Loving parents are usually controlling, some more than others. Waking them up by a set time during spring break, controlling what and when they eat, what they watch, scheduling ever aspect of their life, as though they are toddlers.

Teens are growing into adults and are bound to rebel against the system.



I never did any of those things but my teen still went through a little sh*t period like many of them do. He's on spring break now and is still sleeping!
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:22     Subject: Re:Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
I think it is often a step to independence. What you call “loving’ could seem as “smothering” to teens. I think it can be friend related. One friend decides they dislike their parents, so their friend think - oh - I am suppose to hate my parents.

Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:21     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Loving parents are usually controlling, some more than others. Waking them up by a set time during spring break, controlling what and when they eat, what they watch, scheduling ever aspect of their life, as though they are toddlers.

Teens are growing into adults and are bound to rebel against the system.


Do you know any teens? I have two and have not done any of this in many many years with them, if ever for some of your list. They still have plenty of attitude.


Yes, I've raised three (youngest is 19). I'm sure your two would be worse the more you attempted to control.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:20     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How to you know those teens don’t love their parents deep down? Mine was a PITA from 13 and a half to 16 and a half. Then the clouds lifted and he was pretty much like a normal person again.


I guess there is no one way to know definitively; just going by what is said and seen.



When mine was a teen, he repeatedly told me I was boring because I didn't have any hobbies. I guess his friends' parents had hobbies. I was a single mom with no money so reading was my hobby. To him, I seemed boring. Now, he is in college and loves to hear about me living overseas and traveling a lot (before he was born). But at age 15, I seemed boring to him. They grow out of it when they get their head out of their a**.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:19     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
We can’t discount what’s happening with the school culture. Certainly not all, but many adults at the schools are actively fueling the breakup of the nuclear family… as in, “Your parents don’t understand you. We do.”

Have seen this happen even when you hire a therapist. Most parents have no clue what’s really going on behind closed doors.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:12     Subject: Re:Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
It's you. You're definitely the problem, you're just unaware of it and it has most likely been going on for your child's entire existence.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:09     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Mothers and sons in 2025 can be a sensitive adventure.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:08     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Anonymous wrote:Your implication of poverty being a reason a child might hate their parents is very offensive.


It is very offensive.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 13:07     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Today's teens have been through the wringer by the time they get to senior year of high school. We have made high school a high stakes game where the parents are overly involved and make their kids wins their wins. Where the teen ends and the parent begins can be anyone's guess. A 17-year old is gearing up for adulthood. One more year, and he or she is officially an adult. They know they need to fly the nest, so they hide away in their rooms, in preparation. They don't talk to their parents for many reasons. Maybe because they don't think their parents can keep their information secret.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 12:35     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
Your implication of poverty being a reason a child might hate their parents is very offensive.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 12:29     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
The amygdala and limbic system mature earlier than the pre-frontal cortex, so those impulsive and emotion centered parts of the brain take more control. The teen brain is also in another period of rapid neural connection formation. In some ways, their brains are similar to toddlers- they are sponges for knowledge again and can be very irrational, but this time, instead of you being their safety, they are really driven to peers.

It’s natural for them to pull away and stake some independence and sometimes the closer you have been, the more they pull away. What I have found helpful with the wilder ones is thinking hard about my absolute non-negotiables and letting other things go.

I think SM exacerbates some of the highly problematic behaviors, and when certain lines are crossed you should consider whether there may be mental illness. But it’s possible for even a previously “good” kid to be a very difficult teen and get through it. Watch for other issues. How are their social relationships, teacher relationships, EC participation, grades. If you see other big deteriorations you may have a bigger issue than normal teen development.
Anonymous
Post 04/14/2025 12:28     Subject: Why do teens start hating their loving parents?
I have never experienced this from my own kids (3 boys) at all. I don't know why but I feel lucky.

I was definitely this way towards my dad in my teens and into my 20s. It was due to feeling controlled and judged by him. I am sure I was oversensitive to some extent but he also had little filter. He has gotten so much better about this as he is older and I also can let things slide much better. I am the oldest of 3 girls. My youngest sister was similar with my dad.

We never had issues with our moms. She was/is perfect.