Reply to Why do people toy with others?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So... they're just awful people? What do they gain, though? People do things for a reason. Doesn't mean it's a good reason, but...

What is the motivation for this behavior? Power? Sadistic desire to hurt people just because they can? Boredom? I just don't get it.[/quote]

In some cases I really don't think it's intentional, but reflects a lack of character or values.

I have known women who are just people pleasers and they'll say whatever they think the person they are with wants to hear. So they'll be super nice to your face and tell you how much they like you and how you are really close friends, but then if they are around people who want to gossip about you or trash you, they'll participate because in that moment they want those people to like you. It doesn't feel inconsistent to them even though it is literally two-faced, because they are engaging in the same social behavior every time, just with different people (and with a total disregard to the impact of their behavior, of course).

Also some people are incredibly good at convincing themselves that their behavior is okay even when confronted with obvious evidence they have at least screwed up, even if unintentionally. I had a friend once who I'd confided in about some really upsetting things that had happened to me at work. She decided to share the stuff I'd told her with another person who also worked with me, which is just.... why. Anyway I later found out and got upset with her because I'd obviously told her that in confidence, and of all the people for her to discuss it with, WHY would she choose someone who also worked with me? I didn't expect the conflict to end our friendship because I honestly assumed that she'd be like "yes I screwed up, I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking" and we'd move on. Instead she was first like "I didn't do that" and then I showed her the email from my coworker that showed she was lying, she got mad at me and said I'd violated [I]her[/I] privacy (by reading an email sent to me by my colleague about things that had happened to me?), and then she got mad at me for confronting her about it at all and then we weren't friends anymore. I think she honestly just couldn't confront the idea that she'd screwed up.

Anyway, I don't think people who do this stuff would think of it as manipulation because I think they are usually not machiavellian plotters. They are weak and sort of oblivious and don't understand that in order to be a good person, a loyal friend, you have to act with intention in your life. You can't just stumble around doing whatever occurs to you in the moment and expect it all to work out in the end. They lack character.[/quote]

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