Reply to My husband gas lights non stop. Anytime I try to discuss something that bothers me, he denies he did X Y Z

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "My husband gas lights non stop. Anytime I try to discuss something that bothers me, he denies he did X Y Z"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband blindsided me with a separation 5 weeks ago. I thought I was devastated, and yes there's a lot of change and grief and some trauma to process.

But now I realize that I never felt at peace in my own home. My stbx is a perpetual victim. He projected his worst traits onto me. I had to choose my battles very wisely when it came to advocating for myself, because he would act like me having opinions and dreams was an affront to him.

I always assumed positive intent, and tried to give him grace, and explained what I needed calmly, and I thought my life was OK. But now I realize, no, it wasn't. It was terrible for my mental health. This was a blessing in disguise.

OP, your husband treating you like this isn't OK. People have insecurities . . . it doesn't mean they get to lie and project and gaslight. This isn't just some small character flaw. This is psychological warfare. And probably the only way to make it stop is to leave. I'm sorry; I know how daunting that seems. But I hope you will consider it.[/quote]

Oh yeah, I am more than considering it. Biding my time is more like it.

I’m sorry for your situation. Are you ok? Kids? Why did he say he wants to leave?

I assume my dh will cheat at some point, if he hasn’t already. He’s an emotional vampire in many ways, but claims that he’s ‘chill’ and it’s just that I’m the most selfish person ever who doesn’t ’meet his needs’. Meanwhile I am the primary breadwinner and I do 75% of home/kid stuff as well, and barely have a spare moment for myself. But acc to him, I’m ‘selfish’. Ok dude. 
So yeah, he’ll likely cheat but really, good riddance. I keep separate finances and I’ll be fine without him when the time comes. [/quote]

Honestly, it might be better to leave sooner. The longer you support him by being the primary breadwinner, the more spousal support you'll have to pay. Length of the marriage matters too.

To answer your question, yes, I think I'm OK. For the first couple of weeks I couldn't eat and I wept constantly, but it's been getting better and better, and I'm getting so much clarity on how terrible the marriage was for [I]me[/I]. He left because "the marriage was a source of stress instead of a source of comfort" (I have a chronic illness that he never supported me in) and because he felt "there wasn't enough good will" based on the fact that I very occasionally brought up the affair he had 10 years ago, and because allegedly I didn't show enough appreciation for everything he does.

I mean, this list, compared to "you cheated on me, you were terrible with finances, you went out 10+ times per week, you turned every minor request of mine into a gripe session, you never wanted to vacation with me but would take really long guys' trips, etc." is just hilarious. Yes yes, you poor man, you really good a raw deal with my loyalty, strength of character, ability to forgive your affair, and never asking you for support since you never gave it. That must have been so hard.

I think he's seeing someone, and the person I think he's seeing has three younger kids, and I just laugh and laugh at the idea of him taking on even more kid responsibility. He's also really flailing to set up his new house, and the kids constantly express frustration that he forgot obvious items, like sheets. I hate that my kids are finding it stressful, but I know he needs to figure it out on his own. It's not my job any more . . .  he fired me!

I didn't realize how much stress he caused me; I thought it was my chronic illness. But now I'm realizing it was the stress of dealing with a perpetual victim.[/quote]

I’m so happy for you.  Freedom!! Our dh’s sound similar. I bust my butt for our family and have given him so much, but I am constantly accused of being selfish. Right.

I won’t leave now. It’s a bit complicated to go into but I do have a prenup and I won’t owe him much of anything. Thank god. So it’s just biding my time bc I’m not divorcing right now because of the kids. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics