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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Is this a recent divorce OP? It sounds raw. Everyone reading this can see you made the right choice. I would say the only choice, given his abuse.

I hope you can have some fun times soon with good friends who can remind you of your worth. [/quote]

OP here. We first separated 3 years ago, so it is not new. But I still ask myself this question from time to time because new consequences of divorce pop up all the time. For instance, I’m grappling with the fact that I’ll only have one child, but would’ve wanted more if I had a healthy marriage. Many of my friendships suffered as a result of divorce. My married friends disappeared or became distant. My child and I hardly get invited to family events by friends anymore. I’ve been kicked out of the married club.

I am working to rebuild a new life though. And I remain myself to be thankful that I no longer live in constant anxiety.[/quote]

I feel this.  I also was in an abusive relationship, left, and still struggle with the fallout created by loss of friends and community.  One insidious part of abuse where kids is involved is that as the abused person, you are supposed to hide it from the kids.  That often means hiding it from the people that might know your ex, like people who were friends with both of you, or parents of your kids' friends.  It is extraordinarily isolating.  At times I want to blurt out to people "you remain fine with someone who abused me.  Why?"  I don't do that because "what about the kids."  It's hard to be around anyone who doesn't know the truth.

[/quote]

OP here. I hide the truth from others as well. I allow them to judge me and say things like “you lost a good man, he loved you so much.” I just could not bare to Shaffer their perceptions and his reputation. For the first time ever I recently admitted to my sister the real reason I divorced. It felt so good to tell the truth. It felt so good to say I matter. I am working on how to navigate this with my kid. I cannot fully hide everything from my kid because my kid witnessed the abuse. But I uphold my ex as great father when in reality he is not. I am slowly working on being more authentic.

I realized I had a lot of internalized views as someone who was abused. I am just recently allowing myself to feel angry. And to admit to myself that I was not married to a nice man. and to give my self permission to look out for me.

I wish you luck.[/quote]

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