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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]PP from above, to be clear, "explore" means you're going to have to figure it out on your own. People going down this path outside their marriage are in deep denial about what they're doing. Sorry if I'm sounding unkind to your H, I've just seen this many times. He will not be a reliable narrator, based on your description of your concerns as "hitting a stone wall". Does furtive evidence gathering sound unpleasant? Yes, and it is. But it will answer your questions. There's too many red flags in what you're describing to ignore (imo).[/quote]

How on earth though? We’ve never shared phone passwords, phone is with him all the time anyway (suppose that’s another red flag!). We’re not in the lipstick on the collar territory, or at least not yet argh. 
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So that would be my first question. Why not share passcodes? Why the phone guarding? I'm aware he'll find a reason to protect his preferences. But because I believe in giving people the benefit of the doubt, give him a chance. And you can be honest. "You seem pretty private with your phone. You've reassured me that we are solid. I'm glad for that. It would also help me feel reassured if we had more transparency with passwords, and if we were more open about our phones." The thing is, this is difficult to argue opposition to if you're not hiding something. Yes people will chime in with "this sounds so Mike Pence, my spouse and I trust each other, etc.". Great. It's like this for some people. You don't feel that way. And your happiness and sense of peace matters. If you have a history of insecurity and undue scrutiny, that's different. But it doesn't sound like that's your pattern.

If this isn't effective, and you still feel unsettled, well, then you have to dig. Figure out if you're location sharing, change up your own schedule so you're not as predictable, etc. And ultimately? You'll need to look in his phone. Sorry to everyone who calls this a privacy invasion. I was reassured for a year and had to confirm the truth on my own. I would have never gotten the info any other way.

Best case scenario: you find nothing, it opens up the conversation about where you're at in the marriage (after 20 years it's reasonable), and you wind up in a better spot.

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