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[quote=Anonymous]OP, first: I’m so sorry. I’m sure you know this, but your daughter is directing toward you the feelings she has about herself. The depth of her hostility to you is in direct proportion to her own self-loathing. That’s not a reason to tolerate it. It’s an additional reason to put a stop to it. Lovingly. Boundaries can be loving. Modeling them is very loving.

The first task is the hardest, and it’s to keep your head clear, to keep your body calm, to stay as much in control as possible. This is incredibly difficult when she is goading you, deliberately doing things she knows will trigger you.

I strongly recommend downloading the Ten Percent Happier app and carving out a little bit of time every day, maybe twice a day, to practice their meditations. If you are anything like me you will feel nothing whatsoever during the meditations, and you will think they’re not “working” (whatever that means). But if you are like me, if you stick with them, you will also begin to discover a little bit of space between stimulus and your own response — just a bit of distance, enough to begin to take you out of this cycle you’re in with your daughter.

And here’s something important: when she begins to treat you that way, leave. Don’t  leave dramatically. Don’t storm out. You don’t need to make a point, or defend yourself. While you are still calm, say “excuse me.” Or, “oh shoot, I forgot to ___.” Then exit the situation. Go somewhere and breathe. Walk. Put headphones on and listen to music you love. Exiting will help break the pattern of your recent interactions, and it will ensure that you are calmer before you return. You can do this again and again.

If she accuses you of walking away every time she tries to talk to you, you can tell her simply that you have learned that engaging when your blood pressure is rising is unhelpful and that she deserves a mother who can engage with her calmly.

She isn’t going to be able to shift the dynamic. You will have to be the one to do that. This is very hard stuff, and I’m so sorry you are dealing with it. [/quote]

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