OP, first: I’m so sorry. I’m sure you know this, but your daughter is directing toward you the feelings she has about herself. The depth of her hostility to you is in direct proportion to her own self-loathing. That’s not a reason to tolerate it. It’s an additional reason to put a stop to it. Lovingly. Boundaries can be loving. Modeling them is very loving.

The first task is the hardest, and it’s to keep your head clear, to keep your body calm, to stay as much in control as possible. This is incredibly difficult when she is goading you, deliberately doing things she knows will trigger you.

I strongly recommend downloading the Ten Percent Happier app and carving out a little bit of time every day, maybe twice a day, to practice their meditations. If you are anything like me you will feel nothing whatsoever during the meditations, and you will think they’re not “working” (whatever that means). But if you are like me, if you stick with them, you will also begin to discover a little bit of space between stimulus and your own response — just a bit of distance, enough to begin to take you out of this cycle you’re in with your daughter.

And here’s something important: when she begins to treat you that way, leave. Don’t leave dramatically. Don’t storm out. You don’t need to make a point, or defend yourself. While you are still calm, say “excuse me.” Or, “oh shoot, I forgot to ___.” Then exit the situation. Go somewhere and breathe. Walk. Put headphones on and listen to music you love. Exiting will help break the pattern of your recent interactions, and it will ensure that you are calmer before you return. You can do this again and again.

If she accuses you of walking away every time she tries to talk to you, you can tell her simply that you have learned that engaging when your blood pressure is rising is unhelpful and that she deserves a mother who can engage with her calmly.

She isn’t going to be able to shift the dynamic. You will have to be the one to do that. This is very hard stuff, and I’m so sorry you are dealing with it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are her safe space. You need to learn to ignore.

It's true insofar as the tantrums, but some controls need to be in place. Home is safe space for mom too, sonse shouldn't have a camera in her face.

Agree with both of these posts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her Sunday School teacher counsel her to do? Has she been attending church the last 10 years?

She wouldn’t be like this if she had.

Not a loving, compassionate, or helpful comment. Does your god encourage you to pass smug judgement to score points against human beings who are struggling and vulnerable?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her Sunday School teacher counsel her to do? Has she been attending church the last 10 years?

She wouldn’t be like this if she had.

It is a place to learn morals, values, respect of family members, right from wrong, respect of parents, etc.

Can you get her involved in a youth group at a house of worship?

Can you outreach to the father and move her in with her father for awhile.\?

My kids know all of that and we are an agnostic family. It’s parenting, not religion.

Are her friends in on it with her, or do they also think she's high drama? If she has a cool headed friend, maybe talk to the friend, or the friend's parent.

Anonymous wrote:You are her safe space. You need to learn to ignore.

It's true insofar as the tantrums, but some controls need to be in place. Home is safe space for mom too, sonse shouldn't have a camera in her face.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her Sunday School teacher counsel her to do? Has she been attending church the last 10 years?

She wouldn’t be like this if she had.

It is a place to learn morals, values, respect of family members, right from wrong, respect of parents, etc.

Can you get her involved in a youth group at a house of worship?

Can you outreach to the father and move her in with her father for awhile.\?

Hilarious. Maybe she'll get raped by a pastor and that will make her respect her parents.

You are crazy, because you let her have a phone.

Cancel her phone contract. She can borrow a phone at school if she needs to call you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her Sunday School teacher counsel her to do? Has she been attending church the last 10 years?

She wouldn’t be like this if she had.

It is a place to learn morals, values, respect of family members, right from wrong, respect of parents, etc.

Can you get her involved in a youth group at a house of worship?

Can you outreach to the father and move her in with her father for awhile.\?

OP’s daughter will have an oversized reaction to the consequences (if OP decides to give them) because she is not used to them. So OP should be prepared for that but stand firm or she weakens her position even further.

You seem way too scared of giving this kid consequences. You need parenting help on this part.

She is a product of your upbringing.

PPs are right OP. But I suspect she got this way because there were never real consequences her entire life. I have a teen DD the same age and she wouldn’t dream of activity this way. Because she knows what would happen.

Take away privileges and especially that phone.