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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I always get my parents Christmas and birthday gifts, same for my adult spouse. I do not think it is odd to get gifts for adults. The issue is the energy and entitlement in your mother’s request. You do realize that you have fed into this by not speaking up and saying you feel used and the gift giving is not reciprocated. Honestly the issue seems to be that you do not feel close to her, you don’t feel
seen and appreciated. But you have to speak up and deal with this. [/quote]

OP here. You’re right. Unfortunately I have spoken up in the past and the tantrum my mother threw was worse than just going along with things, although for last year’s attempt to find a middle path with the gift basket. I guess it is a choice between placating a difficult  person or tolerating whatever outburst and abusive behavior comes after.

Luckily the kids are old enough and observant enough to say to me/each other things like “wow, grandma has a really specific list” or “it’s weird for grownups to have a list like it’s for Santa.” My mom doesn’t have a close relationship with them and they know what’s normal from their other grandmother so I don’t feel like I need to set an example of proper deference or selfless love by spoiling my mother.[/quote]
No those are not you only choices and you know it. 
Do what feels right to you and if your mom has a fit so what.
You don’t have to witness it nor do you have to tolerate it. Remove yourself and tell her the behavior is unacceptable.[/quote]

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