Anonymous wrote:That is crazy! Especially since you haven’t gotten gifts since you were 10/11??

I would reply, Mom, stop sending me Christmas lists! I don’t buy adults gifts anymore.

OP dud not say she hadn't gotten gifts since she was 10-11. She said she hadn't asked for them.

Should adults ask for presents? No. At least not in the way your mom does it. Your mom is acting like a spoiled little kid writing a list to Santa but worse because she’s not just hoping to receive these items in her list, she’s demanding it or else she’ll be disappointed.

In my family the adults do secret Santa where we each draw another adult’s name and get gifts for that one person. Each person shares a wishlist w the group so that whoever has their name can get some ideas but no one would get upset if the gift giver went off the list and did their own gift idea.

In your case, I’d tell your mom how you feel and that you don’t understand why she expects/demands gifts from you even though she’s not gracious or kind about it, she doesn’t reciprocate, and she has more money than you do so she can buy herself these gifts anyway. Let it all out. Stop giving her gifts and tell her why.

Lists are normal in my family (some vague, some more specific depending on personality) but they all cover a range of budgets, no one cares if you get them something not on their list (or nothing at all or send them a check with a note saying “for x big ticket item on your list”). I send them pre-emptively sometimes to prompt my hard-to-shop for relatives to give me their lists! We also use lists for embargos — my sister wants NO MORE SCARVES thank you very much.

My in laws have very specific gift lists and I think it’s a bit weird, but their kids usually happily pool money and get the gift. Usually it’s something very functional like a new vacuum. I ducked out of the tradition years ago and let my DH figure it all out with his family, which they do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always get my parents Christmas and birthday gifts, same for my adult spouse. I do not think it is odd to get gifts for adults. The issue is the energy and entitlement in your mother’s request. You do realize that you have fed into this by not speaking up and saying you feel used and the gift giving is not reciprocated. Honestly the issue seems to be that you do not feel close to her, you don’t feel
seen and appreciated. But you have to speak up and deal with this.

OP here. You’re right. Unfortunately I have spoken up in the past and the tantrum my mother threw was worse than just going along with things, although for last year’s attempt to find a middle path with the gift basket. I guess it is a choice between placating a difficult person or tolerating whatever outburst and abusive behavior comes after.

Luckily the kids are old enough and observant enough to say to me/each other things like “wow, grandma has a really specific list” or “it’s weird for grownups to have a list like it’s for Santa.” My mom doesn’t have a close relationship with them and they know what’s normal from their other grandmother so I don’t feel like I need to set an example of proper deference or selfless love by spoiling my mother.

No those are not you only choices and you know it.
Do what feels right to you and if your mom has a fit so what.
You don’t have to witness it nor do you have to tolerate it. Remove yourself and tell her the behavior is unacceptable.

For the few family members I exchange with, I ask if they have a list and they ask me. Some are on a limited budget and I am happy to get something I know they want or need. But, sometimes I just send what I want and they do too. And, none of them would ever send a list without my asking and none of them would ever complain if I sent something not on the list and neither would I. If it were me, I would pointedly ask her if she would like to stop exchanging gifts.

Anonymous wrote:I always get my parents Christmas and birthday gifts, same for my adult spouse. I do not think it is odd to get gifts for adults. The issue is the energy and entitlement in your mother’s request. You do realize that you have fed into this by not speaking up and saying you feel used and the gift giving is not reciprocated. Honestly the issue seems to be that you do not feel close to her, you don’t feel
seen and appreciated. But you have to speak up and deal with this.

OP here. You’re right. Unfortunately I have spoken up in the past and the tantrum my mother threw was worse than just going along with things, although for last year’s attempt to find a middle path with the gift basket. I guess it is a choice between placating a difficult person or tolerating whatever outburst and abusive behavior comes after.

Luckily the kids are old enough and observant enough to say to me/each other things like “wow, grandma has a really specific list” or “it’s weird for grownups to have a list like it’s for Santa.” My mom doesn’t have a close relationship with them and they know what’s normal from their other grandmother so I don’t feel like I need to set an example of proper deference or selfless love by spoiling my mother.

Best: Agree that she doesn’t get anything for your kids and you don’t get anything for her

Tolerable: You get her whatever you can easily afford from her list

Nope: You spend too much on items from her list or get her anything not on her list

I always get my parents Christmas and birthday gifts, same for my adult spouse. I do not think it is odd to get gifts for adults. The issue is the energy and entitlement in your mother’s request. You do realize that you have fed into this by not speaking up and saying you feel used and the gift giving is not reciprocated. Honestly the issue seems to be that you do not feel close to her, you don’t feel
seen and appreciated. But you have to speak up and deal with this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am early 40s and I think about 40 percent of my social circle and moved to no gifts for adult family members. I don’t know of a single friend who has gift lists for adults, given or received. Personally I think that’s nuts!!

In my family I am the only sibling with kids, which means my other adult siblings still look at Christmas from more of a kid's point of view. They'd revolt if we said no more gifts! I think this probably works better if everyone has kids, so the child free adults don't feel like they "lost Christmas."

I mean, they aren’t children anymore and this idea that you need gifts to have a Christmas seems, well, immature IMO. Share a meal together, play board games, enjoy eggnog, sing carols. Go to an evening church service if that’s part of your holiday observance. All of that can be enjoyed without buying things that an adult can easily buy for himself. If I were you, I’d see if you could move to more of a secret Santa night where you are buying once and not for all the adults.

Anonymous wrote:I am early 40s and I think about 40 percent of my social circle and moved to no gifts for adult family members. I don’t know of a single friend who has gift lists for adults, given or received. Personally I think that’s nuts!!

In my family I am the only sibling with kids, which means my other adult siblings still look at Christmas from more of a kid's point of view. They'd revolt if we said no more gifts! I think this probably works better if everyone has kids, so the child free adults don't feel like they "lost Christmas."

That said, we do a lot of coffee gift cards, consumables, and socks between adults. The folks living in NYC apartments like presents but don't need more crap.

Not normal and I’d get her nothing. I also would stop covering for her with the kids. I used to do this, but I got sick of complaint about it, so I stopped. Did my kids notice that grandma doesn’t get them
Anything? Yes, but life goes on.

Any chance you and your sister could do joint gifts every year and just switch off who purchases and wraps it? If I were going to get a gift for your mom, yes I would want to get something on the list even if that’s an odd thing. But at least I would only have to deal every other year…

I am early 40s and I think about 40 percent of my social circle and moved to no gifts for adult family members. I don’t know of a single friend who has gift lists for adults, given or received. Personally I think that’s nuts!!

OP, what is going to make you feel worse. Getting her a gift on the list or not getting her a gift on the list. Everyone here agrees what your mom does isn't normal. She's unbalanced, in my view.

That said, this becomes what is best for you in order to move forward. Also, be aware that if your kids are aware of this dynamic, model the behavior you want them to learn. I won't model "this is such a chore to buy grandma a gift" since they won't fully understand what is happening. Their only takeaway might be, buying a gift for your mom is a lot of trouble.