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[quote=Anonymous]I’m in MD, so can’t speak to VA specifically, but the divorce process has been much slower than I thought it would be. If you have investments, property, life insurance, pensions, profit sharing programs, etc., there is a ton of paperwork involved. Just getting all of your documents together and figuring out what you spend per month on each different category is time consuming (unless you’ve already been using a spending tracker). My attorney gave me a spreadsheet so I could estimate our living expenses and it was 3 pages of different categories in very small font.

The amount of time you spend negotiating an agreement will depend on your assets and how much conflict there is over custody and distribution of assets. The vast majority of divorces are negotiated without a trial and the court just approves the agreement the parties have reached. When the two sides are at an impasse, it can be beneficial to bring in a mediator who can nudge people along toward consensus. Mediation takes weeks to schedule because you have to find dates and times that fit 5 different people’s schedules (the divorcing couple, each of their attorneys, and the mediator). It’s expensive because you’re paying 3 professionals for their expertise and time. Once you’ve reached an agreement, it takes weeks to get on the court’s docket. If you can’t reach an agreement, it’s even more expensive to go to trial because then you both will pay your attorneys for lots of hours.

You can drag your feet a bit throughout the discovery and negotiation process, but you have to weigh the benefits of stalling versus the risk that things will become contentious because your spouse knows you’re delaying. Just because your husband want to call it quits and move out doesn’t mean he will start the divorce process immediately. I was in pretty much the same situation as you, and my husband waited two years after he moved out to take any steps to initiate a divorce. That was a year ago and we’re just heading to mediation now. That’s an unusually long timeframe, but you shouldn’t be worried that you’ll be divorced within the next 2-3 months.

Don’t wait for your husband to start the process to find your own attorney. You can retain an attorney and then not have them do anything until your husband takes action. Just make sure you already have someone. Ask for recommendations. If you have an attorney who prepared your will, they can recommend someone.

You said you’re not working. If you and your spouse have shared credit card accounts, apply for a credit card in your own name now, while you still have a shared household income, so you qualify for a high credit limit.

Don’t just take care of your kids; you need to prioritize self care as well. This is a major life event and it can take quite a toll. Even if you’re a very private person, choose someone you can confide in for emotional support. Don’t say negative things about your spouse in front of your kids or look to them to be your support system. I’m very sorry you’re in this situation.[/quote]

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