Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

In most cases it’s the man who ignores and neglects his wife and kids in order to focus on work and hide out there. He never talks much with any of them, not gets involved.

Then the wife who gets all the responsibilities dumped on her for the family, house, yard, and kids resents that but has to solo power through it all.

One day, the absent-Husband/father talks with some friends who have fun lives and he realizes, “Hey, no one’s kissing my @$$ at home or talking with me much.”

He goes home, says nothing but doesn’t get why he’s ignored or doesn’t know what’s going on with everyone’s lives.

He decides he’s a victim; no one likes him so it’s time to divorce and go start over w no kids. He never sees how he ignored everyone and his responsibilities for years and then got treated the same back.

Either way, good riddance to phony deadweights.

I have never understood the advice to avoid working during a divorce. There is some job that you can get (even if that job is retail or some other entry level job) and the court is going to impute that level of income to you for the CS calculations and its consideration of an alimony award (esp. in your case where the kids are older and daycare is not a factor in the CS calculations). So you either get the job and start rebuilding your career or you wait and delay rebuilding your career but have your potential earnings imputed to you.

I suppose the only way this works is if you can actually get a job making $100K per year and you somehow convince the court that you can only make $40K per year.

Just a few things that haven't been answered and a couple of points of perspective.

On the kids, of course they will have a say. In fact, even if an agreement says 50-50 it's not like you can prevent a teenaged child from imply going to the other parent if they want. They basically will choose what works, and it will be very challenging to change it (and it takes time in the courts anyway, which would run out the clock until they are adults).

As far as its impact one them -- your husband has basically said it's going to happen, so you don't really have the option for this to have no impact. Instead, its impact can be mitigated by your actions and guidance. For me (I'm a man. btw), my ex's quitting, while difficult, actually made my relationship with my child much better because my time with my child was surely mine, and wasn't encumbered by trying to cover for her behavior.

Finally, contract law is VERY strong in VA. Meaning you can choose to execute a convertible separation agreement. Basically -- we're not together, we're not going to get together again, and here's how we agree to handle the kids, money etc...and this will be converted to a divorce agreement when we hit the 1-year mark.

It all sucks, but it will be ok.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he suddenly in a hurry? It sounds like he has someone else lined up. Maybe you should do some snooping or hire a PI. You'll get a much better settlement in a fault divorce.

You MIGHT get a better settlement in a fault divorce. It depends on the judge, or your lawyer’s ability to blackmail your husband into a settlement.

But you WILL spend more proving fault because the threshold is high. Some sexy texts don’t prove adultery. You will need to pay a PI, and a lot more in billable hours. There will be depositions and discovery, and court appearances.

And while a fault divorce waives the waiting period, it takes a long time to actually get a fault divorce. You might be better just agreeing to no fault and waiting a year.

Not saying OP shouldn’t pursue this, but she should do the math: what will she have to spend in order to potentially get a larger chunk of the marital assets? What is the value of those assets? Do the math.

Dropping $5-$10k on a PI or something makes perfect sense if you're talking high six figures or higher of assets.

and in VA, it's literally in the state code "no alimony for adulteresses." Now there are some exceptions like if the wife's about to eat Alpo for dinner, but most women are going to agree to a lump sum rather than seeing if a judge is going to feel sorry for a bored housewife with a college degree.

If I'm anywhere from J. GS-14 to J. Random Bigwig, I'm dropping $10k to prove the tennis coach isn't playing any tennis, to avoid $1-5k/month in alimony.

https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/grounds-for-divorce-in-virginia.html#:~:text=However%2C%20in%20Virginia%2C%20proving%20that,receive%20alimony%20(spousal%20support).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he suddenly in a hurry? It sounds like he has someone else lined up. Maybe you should do some snooping or hire a PI. You'll get a much better settlement in a fault divorce.

You MIGHT get a better settlement in a fault divorce. It depends on the judge, or your lawyer’s ability to blackmail your husband into a settlement.

But you WILL spend more proving fault because the threshold is high. Some sexy texts don’t prove adultery. You will need to pay a PI, and a lot more in billable hours. There will be depositions and discovery, and court appearances.

And while a fault divorce waives the waiting period, it takes a long time to actually get a fault divorce. You might be better just agreeing to no fault and waiting a year.

Not saying OP shouldn’t pursue this, but she should do the math: what will she have to spend in order to potentially get a larger chunk of the marital assets? What is the value of those assets? Do the math.

Dropping $5-$10k on a PI or something makes perfect sense if you're talking high six figures or higher of assets.

OP, you aren't prioritizing the kids. You're prioritizing you. You sound like you never really loved or cared for your husband but just used him as means to an end. Dont listen to the bitter anti feminists who are.telking you not to work so you can try to take unfair advantage of him in a divorce.

You are just another one of those low libido women who probably had as.luttle sex with your husband as possible throughout the marriage and then calculated when you had been married long enough you could ignore him entirely using "the kids" as your excuse meanwhile allowing him to support the family.

Get off your rear and get back into the workforce or if you are already working upgrade your job and skills.

And then preorder your card and boxes of wine because frankly you don't sound like you bring much at all to the relationship table.

Anonymous wrote:Op again. We’re well past the date nights and intimacy effort level at this point… I’ll just say we weren’t just roommates. His perspective would be that he’s my last priority, my perspective is that as a fully functioning adult, the kids should be prioritized over him. I think we’re just too far into bad habits and resentment to get back onto firm ground. We’re in a slow and gentle death spiral - no real fighting or anger, just apathy, resentment and a lack of interest in trying to fix things.

I suspect that everyone we know will be really shocked. It will seem to be coming out of the blue.

How does custody typically work with teens? I’d hope to avoid court and excessive conflict, but I’d be surprised if the kids were happy with 50-50. Will they have any say?

I mean, if your kids are teens… no… your marriage should be the priority, not the kids. So your husband seems right in that sense. The kids are the priority in terms of making sure they are well cared for, but by the time they are almost out of the house, they don’t need constant attention. You having a healthy marriage and modeling a healthy marriage is one of the best things you can do for the kids, and you’re not doing that for them.

You seem to have contempt for your DH and that is as bad as him wanting too much attention, if not worse. It doesn’t sound like there are dealbreakers here other than a lack of empathy. If he isn’t having an affair, I would suggest marriage counseling because getting divorced seems like a big hassle when you could just learn to be nicer to each other. Habits and attitudes can change.

Op again. We’re well past the date nights and intimacy effort level at this point… I’ll just say we weren’t just roommates. His perspective would be that he’s my last priority, my perspective is that as a fully functioning adult, the kids should be prioritized over him. I think we’re just too far into bad habits and resentment to get back onto firm ground. We’re in a slow and gentle death spiral - no real fighting or anger, just apathy, resentment and a lack of interest in trying to fix things.

I suspect that everyone we know will be really shocked. It will seem to be coming out of the blue.

How does custody typically work with teens? I’d hope to avoid court and excessive conflict, but I’d be surprised if the kids were happy with 50-50. Will they have any say?

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

OP you need to get a consult with a lawyer. They usually run around $200-500 an hour. Get a good one.

It’s not clear to me you should work before the divorce. The fact that you don’t work means you’ll get a lot of alimony. You must have been married around ~20 years, if you took care of the kids then you will get alimony and child support.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

Because the women are carrying the weight of everything --kids, their own work, the house, carpools, planning holidays, finding camps, etc.. so they are absolutely exhausted. Some grown babies then feel neglected and lean out and find some woman that will kiss his *ss ----but his wife would have been that person with more help and patience. It's sad but that is what I see with these midlife affairs.

Just imagine how 'fun' and 'sexy' the wife would be if she only saw him to bang a few times a month vs washing his dirty underwear and cooking dinner after her work day before driving the kids to practice.

That certainly sounds possible, although the Op here didn’t directly state it. It could also be that the people in the marriage just stopped doing anything to maintain the relationship. Marriages seem to die that way too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

Because the women are carrying the weight of everything --kids, their own work, the house, carpools, planning holidays, finding camps, etc.. so they are absolutely exhausted. Some grown babies then feel neglected and lean out and find some woman that will kiss his *ss ----but his wife would have been that person with more help and patience. It's sad but that is what I see with these midlife affairs.

Just imagine how 'fun' and 'sexy' the wife would be if she only saw him to bang a few times a month vs washing his dirty underwear and cooking dinner after her work day before driving the kids to practice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is he suddenly in a hurry? It sounds like he has someone else lined up. Maybe you should do some snooping or hire a PI. You'll get a much better settlement in a fault divorce.

Dont you basically need to have pics of them in bed together to get a divorce bc of adultery in VA?

Yes. Ask me how I know.

You have to prove intent and opportunity, I think. And more than once.

I spent about $10,000 on my PI to get that evidence. I estimate it saved me $300,000 in the long run.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

Were you having intimacy? Date nights? Did you enjoy any of your time together?

I’ve noticed sometimes women are fine with a sort of independent/roommate lifestyle and it’s the man who is miserable, missing sex, missing intimacy, missing emotional connection.

Thank you all, particularly the PP with the long and detailed response.

For anyone interested spectators (my usual role in the relationship forum), i don’t know if there’s someone else. I would have said that it’s impossible 6 months ago, but now I’m wondering. I don’t care enough to find out. I don’t think it impacts anything.

I guess my biggest fears are all financial. I don’t have a ton in non-retirement savings, partly because of the way DH likes to like and spend. I was thinking that I need time to get a career re-started and feel like I’d be on firm ground financially, but maybe that’s exactly wrong from a divorce proceedings perspective?

I’m most worried about the impact on the kids (teens).

And when i say ‘growing apart’ i mainly mean that we are well past the giddy stage and I’m getting too worn out by our lives to kiss his butt. It’s never that simple of course, but mainly it seems like he’s tired of the kids being prioritized over him and maybe he’s found someone who’s more attentive? It would be hard to find someone less attentive i guess. We don’t really fight or anything, we just are going about our daily lives fairly separately.

I’m in MD, so can’t speak to VA specifically, but the divorce process has been much slower than I thought it would be. If you have investments, property, life insurance, pensions, profit sharing programs, etc., there is a ton of paperwork involved. Just getting all of your documents together and figuring out what you spend per month on each different category is time consuming (unless you’ve already been using a spending tracker). My attorney gave me a spreadsheet so I could estimate our living expenses and it was 3 pages of different categories in very small font.

The amount of time you spend negotiating an agreement will depend on your assets and how much conflict there is over custody and distribution of assets. The vast majority of divorces are negotiated without a trial and the court just approves the agreement the parties have reached. When the two sides are at an impasse, it can be beneficial to bring in a mediator who can nudge people along toward consensus. Mediation takes weeks to schedule because you have to find dates and times that fit 5 different people’s schedules (the divorcing couple, each of their attorneys, and the mediator). It’s expensive because you’re paying 3 professionals for their expertise and time. Once you’ve reached an agreement, it takes weeks to get on the court’s docket. If you can’t reach an agreement, it’s even more expensive to go to trial because then you both will pay your attorneys for lots of hours.

You can drag your feet a bit throughout the discovery and negotiation process, but you have to weigh the benefits of stalling versus the risk that things will become contentious because your spouse knows you’re delaying. Just because your husband want to call it quits and move out doesn’t mean he will start the divorce process immediately. I was in pretty much the same situation as you, and my husband waited two years after he moved out to take any steps to initiate a divorce. That was a year ago and we’re just heading to mediation now. That’s an unusually long timeframe, but you shouldn’t be worried that you’ll be divorced within the next 2-3 months.

Don’t wait for your husband to start the process to find your own attorney. You can retain an attorney and then not have them do anything until your husband takes action. Just make sure you already have someone. Ask for recommendations. If you have an attorney who prepared your will, they can recommend someone.

You said you’re not working. If you and your spouse have shared credit card accounts, apply for a credit card in your own name now, while you still have a shared household income, so you qualify for a high credit limit.

Don’t just take care of your kids; you need to prioritize self care as well. This is a major life event and it can take quite a toll. Even if you’re a very private person, choose someone you can confide in for emotional support. Don’t say negative things about your spouse in front of your kids or look to them to be your support system. I’m very sorry you’re in this situation.