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[quote=Anonymous]Hello, me again.

Reflecting on being 7 months out now. DH's communication has changed immensely...to the point where it's taken me a lot of time to begin adjusting because it feels like a whole new relationship in many ways. He had a business last week and proactively made me an itinerary before he left, kept in contact the whole time, checked in with me a ton. We had a moment last weekend where we were driving with our kids and DH mentioned that his brother was coming in town the next day and wanted to go out and I immediately started to spiral bc BIL likes to hit the city and get wasted basically. It was like panic set in without me even thinking about it. DH was great- he reassured me he brought it up to see what I felt comfortable with and get my take before he responded and that he was on my team. His response was so kind and genuine that I really felt like we turned a corner. I didn't feel crazy and felt like I was safe to share my feelings even thought they felt way overboard even to me. Just a few months ago, he would have immediately shame spiraled from my reaction, but he stayed steady and validated me. He ended up telling his brother that he's been putting in a ton of work on himself and our relationship and he'd prefer to do something that doesn't involve drinking. So they actually fixed their dad's car together which he really enjoyed.

My birthday is coming up and I saw a text come in on his phone from my best friend that said "I'm so sorry that I can't make it, but she is going to love that- I feel so hopeful for you guys and am glad you cleared the air".  So I think he is planning something for my birthday, but I did ask my friend about that text and she said that he reached out to her and apologized for hurting me so badly, thanked her for being a steady source of comfort for me, and said he understands how they (her and her husband) likely feel about him now, but hopes with time and work on his end it can be our most authentic friendship because they have seen our highs and lowest lows. This is huge for me because even though he has encouraged me the whole time to tell anyone I want and build up my own support system, he did tell me in a therapy session that he was too overwhelmed with shame, guilt, remorse, and embarrassment to even think about facing my best friend again so I'm relieved he took a step to lessen that burden for me.

I ended up telling my other long term best friend. It wasn't planned. I was driving home from an errand and started sobbing and then all of a sudden found myself getting on the highway and driving an hour to her house. I literally just showed up at her doorstep like a crazy person sobbing. She has a toddler and a husband and I just walked in there on a Saturday morning like a blubbering mess and spilled my guts. We grew up next door to each other so she's my longest friendship, but we are very different. She can be extremely opinionated and brutally honest which is why I hadn't told her up til that point. I was absolutely shocked when she looked at me, gave me a huge hug, and said "If you have any more fight left in you- fight for this". I had to leave shortly after dumping that all on her, but she has been so kind and supportive constantly checking in and honestly giving me MUCH better advice than I ever could have imagined coming from her.

So DH's end is all constructive and he's feeling so much better about himself and I'm just....ugh. I have more hopeful days than not now, but everything is still just there. I'm much better during the days now and really only spiral when there's a concrete trigger, but man the nights are rough. As soon as I lay down, my mind just wanders. It replays all of the messages I read and nudes I saw over and over and over. I end up on the couch 50% of the time because sometimes it gets so overwhelming I just can't breathe in bed. I'm still doing weekly therapy for myself which has been a great oasis. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that this did happen, this is going to be part of our story forever, our old marriage is dead and we're either building one that we can both be proud of or bust. I'm seeing the man I fell in love with come back if not even a better version of him in some ways, but it feels like home and simultaneously like damn why tf did you have to put me through that to get here? My entire viewpoint on life, relationships, trust, infidelity, marriage, mental health is just completely altered forever.

Thanks for listening to my ranting. It helps to get everything down and out and I know there's a lot of others here in a similar boat (unfortunately). [/quote]

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