Anonymous wrote:OP, thanks for your update. I truly wish you the best.

Also, and please understand I am not criticizing you here - you are allowed to feel however you want to feel about all of this - I read the part about him contacting his high school girlfriend as actually kind of sweet because of what he was seeking from her. I guess being 44 the thought of a high school girlfriend/boyfriend means nothing to me now and perhaps it's different for you because you're younger and also because you live in a smaller town and also perhaps because this was the girlfriend right before you? But anyway, while he should have said something to you before discussing your issues with his high school girlfriend, I guess I would urge you to try to let that go for the sake of trying to move on from all of this. I totally understand how a sliver after losing a limb can still hurt, but perhaps screaming about this into the sky and then leaving it behind you so you an focus on the more important things would be best.

Hugs.

Anonymous wrote:This is a very honest post, and you have incredible self-awareness and emotional intelligence. No response other than I am happy you are exploring your options and being honest with yourself. I wish you healing and happiness.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I share your outrage that your DH contacted his high school GF. Regardless of how pure his intensions were, it's shocking that he would A.) contact another female at this point without your knowledge, and B.) contact another female without your knowledge that at one time he had romantic feelings for. That doesn't sound like someone who has done "the work" necessary to rebuild a marriage. Rather he seems like a self-centered, emotionally obtuse jerk. I think you would be better off without him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for sharing your story and updates, OP.

Out of curiosity, how did you find out about his communications with his h.s. gf? Did he disclose that on his own?

Since dday his phone lives out on the kitchen counter unlocked so the message just popped up on his home screen while I was cooking. Honestly, if he would have said "Hey, so and so from high school has been through this and they're really happy. I feel it would help me to talk to someone who's been through it- do you care if I reach out?" or even just "letting you know I'm going to reach out". Again, it was a potential conflict avoidance. Realistically I know that this is not going to be linear and from day 1 my individual therapist has said that lots of therapist liken infidelity to addiction and there can be "relapses" along the way but at the same time I'm like come on buddy we've spent MONTHS ripping our souls apart around this stuff- you really thought this was an appropriate outlet?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've seen my original post bumped a few times, but I haven't had the guts to open it for some reason. I was so incredibly raw with anguish in those early days and I'm not ready to revisit it yet.

Today is 4 months since "dday" so I thought I'd post an update and use it to sift thought my own thoughts.

The good:
-I understand the affair now. It was a complete and utter mindf*** to even just grasp the fact that it happened. Seriously, I felt like my brain was broken for at least two months. It was like I had a mental barrier that wasn't allowing me to process (which I now know is a common trauma response). Our marriage therapist had us each write up a detailed timeline of the last 3 years of our lives and we painstakingly spent weeks comparing them which was incredibly eye opening for both of us. Some important things we each really missed the mark on supporting each other, some sad, some so painful, some moments of true happiness that we had forgotten about in the midst of this train wreck.
-He has made insane strides in communication. I mean I didn't even realize how much his communication skills were lacking. At the start of all this, he would completely shut down when we started talking about the affair which would royally piss me off because I'd be spewing all my intense emotions just to be met with silence. He still falls into this pattern sometimes except now I will always find a letter later that day where he writes out everything he heard me say, asks if he is understanding my feelings correctly, and if there's anything he missed. It really has been mind-blowing for me to read these. He hits the nail on the head every time so even when I think he's shutting down or tuning me out, he's listening and processing and sometimes being more insightful into my emotions than I even am. Not to be mean- but I didn't even realize he had this level of attention and understanding in him.
-His individual therapist is EXCEPTIONAL.
-There has been zero trickle truthing, no additional information or facts or evidence has surfaced that he didn't originally disclose that first night I found out.
-We have not heard from the AP at all.
-He sees the affair for what it really was- two broken people bringing out the worst in each other. At one point he even spiraled when he fully realized that it was all a facade. Two blubbering idiots spouting compliments and nudes (peppered with threats on her end) at each other and creating these fake personas in some sort of escapist fantasy land. He had this lightbulb moment where he said "She knows nothing about me- she has absolutely no idea about who I am and I don't really know anything about her".
-He is 3 weeks into antidepressants and I'm starting to see glimmers of my best friend again. It's been a long, long time and it feels like home, but also angering at why it's been so long.
-Hysterical bonding is absolutely mind blowing and I am thoroughly enjoying it to levels I didn't even know could exist.

The bad:
-I had absolutely NO idea how conflict avoidant my DH was. None. I mean I have learned things like when we were dating he had two job offers: one really amazing offer that would have fast tracked his career goals in a place he knew I'd never want to live and then the one in our hometown that he accepted. He never even brought the other offer up to me. I had no idea, no chance to support that dream of his. He declined it thinking he was making a sacrifice for the future of our relationship and then internalized the regret and resentment. Repeat this over and over. He wasn't totally happy with our wedding venue, but I seemed to love it so he feigned the same level of excitement. He thought we should have continued house hunting longer, but saw my excitement when we walked into our house and wanted to give me the world so he said it was perfect. He did all these things with the intention of making "sacrifices" for me or fulfilling my wants- which I always thought were our wants- and it snowballed into this immense resentment that our life was not built with his input. It really pains me that my husband either subconsciously didn't feel he could/should express his true opinions and maddens me that I wasn't even given a chance to show him I also care about his wants and needs to the same extent he cares about mine.
-He's unearthed a lot of unhealthy dynamics from his family of origin and it's really made me change how I see my in laws. They did their kids some MAJOR disservices if not completely emotionally neglected them under the guise of a big happy laughing family. Interestingly, DH's brother and his wife are in marriage therapy for almost identical communication issues and BIL never expressing his wants to his wife and then building resentment. My MIL and FIL are also breaking down at the moment over an unexpected life change for them that they can't effectively communicate about after 40 years of marriage. It has been quiet the eye opener for DH and I.
-He has so much guilt, remorse, shame, and self hatred still that it can be hard to be around him. Seriously, he has such a heavy, melancholy presence sometimes that I just need to be away from it (and I have taken weekends away several times). His relationship with himself got to a very dark place, but is hopefully getting slightly better with the continued individual therapy and now medication.

The ugly:
-A month ago, DH was messaging with his high school gf (which even sounds ridiculous). Turns out, DH heard through one of his long time friends that her husband had an affair about 5 years ago and they put in all the work and are really happy with the marriage they've built since so all of the conversation was surrounding DH seeking feedback if we were on the right track and what he could do to be supportive and help me heal. She offered to be a source of support for me as well and said when she went through it she didn't know anyone else who had and felt incredibly isolated. She also offered to connect my DH with her husband. I basically lost my ever-loving mind. At first he was like "it was so helpful for me to get insight from a couple that has successfully rebuilt", but now he does fully understand that even if that wasn't an affair, it was AFFAIR BEHAVIOR- talking to a woman I'm unaware of, felt like he was again allowing another female inside our marriage and such. Thank god both his therapist and our marriage therapist completely laid it out on the table for him. It was such a breach of trust for me and I truly thought that was it for us. This is still burning at my soul.

I'm still not sure where I want to go from here. I go through hopeful phases and then have moments where I am just done. I'm sick of the emotional rollercoaster, sick of the pain, sick of the time and resource blackhole this has all been, sick of working on therapies and having big conversations. I'm not sure if I'll be able to get past this enough to stay in the relationship and I won't stay unless we truly build something I'm proud to be a part of. I do feel really at peace with whichever way this goes now and that feels relieving in itself. If we can construct a foundation of communication, transparency, and mutual respect, we can build upon that for the rest of our lives. If we can't, our kids have two great parents and I feel that I can look them in the eye someday and honestly tell them I gave it my all.

Hi, OP. You are such a wonderful thoughtful woman. I hope you find peace - with or without him. How would you fare financially in the event of divorce?

Anonymous wrote:Oh my goodness OP.

Thank you for the update.

I think the work you have both been doing is pretty astonishing and impressive. I don't know many people who would put in this level of effort, work, self-reflection, energy, etc... It's very impressive.

It seems to me that feeling a sense of peace right now with wherever things lead you is the best possible place you could be in. I wish you (all of you) all the very best in finding your way. I have to think that you are through the worst of it, but certainly respect the toll it has taken and the permanent changes that happen at all kinds of levels w/ such a seismic event.

I have used DCUM as a bit of a journal/sounding board/therapy session at times over the years and going back and rereading my threads (when I'm ready/able) has been enlightening for me. So I hope you'll have the same experience when it's appropriate.

If you do stay in the marriage I bet that you and your husband will have built something extraordinary, and if you don't stay in the marriage it seems like you will end it in a loving and caring way. Very few people put that kind of work in, so congratulations. I really respect what you're doing.