Reply to How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]I dropped the rope on everything that wasn’t important - things either didn’t get done, got outsourced or got done at a much lower quality - food shopping, cooking, cleaning, house, etc.

I also stopped doing things for DH - except for making family dinner - his laundry, anything to do with his car, his administrative life, his family and friends, his career, etc.  I only kept on top of his finances to the extent that it was a joint obligation - house payment, bill paying account, taxes.  The rest, I kept an eye on so it wouldn’t sink me.

I realized that DH was never going to be reliable about anything, so I kept the things I cared about that would have a long term impact on my well-being - the kids medical care, diagnoses and therapy, their education, and their social relationships. I did not consult or inform DH about any of that.  I just did what I thought was right.

I maintained my own family relationships, some core friendships and some semblance of paid work, although not my original career, which was impossible under the circumstances. Whatever support, encouragement and happiness I needed I sought and received it from friends and family, not him.

It was not at all the life or family I imagined for myself.   It is unfair, but life isn’t fair.

Ultimately, I severed pretty much my entire relationship with their Dad over time - first divorcing, then by MS/HS years cutting way back on coparenting and moving to a parallel parenting model with limited in person contact that pretty much consisted of grey-rocking.  I ended up with de facto full physical custody.  I did not invest any energy in his relationship with the kids - that was his job.  What he put in, he got out. I didn’t want to divorce, but, I mean, who wants to live like that? - I would rather be alone than have to live with a partner who contributes so little and is a loose cannon that could bring me down at any time.  It was like living under the sword of Damocles.

FWIW, the kids learned how to manage their SNs and are in reasonably successful in college and the workplace. I don’t believe that would have happened had I stayed with their Dad or devoted any more energy to him.  They have a somewhat positive relationship with their Dad, but his neglect of them and of his parenting responsibilities made a (negative) impression on them.  I know he thinks of himself as a great Dad, but, sadly, it’s clear to me that the kids realized he was irresponsible and neglectful.

At various times the kids and I have had individual therapy, which has been helpful for all of us.

Dropping the rope was the best of the (all bad) choices available.  Sometimes that’s our job - to make the least worst choice when there are no good choices. [/quote]

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