Reply to How do you drop the rope when you have SN kids?

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[quote=Anonymous]I wish I knew you in real life so we could have coffee.  Our situations sound similar except my DH doesn't seem to have the attitude yours does.  I can imagine how infinitely worse it would be if he did.

I think you've got a couple of separate challenges - although there is a relationship between them:
1.  How do you maintain your own well being while having a heavy load to carry
2.  How to get your DH to be a better partner (notice, I didn't say, 'help', which implies it's YOUR responsibility instead of a shared one)

I agree with PPs that you need to shed those things that really don't really have to be done or that don't bring you value.  For me, one of them was letting go of household standards. I still needed to have the kitchen and bathrooms clean but reduced the frequency that the floors were swept/mopped and furniture dusted.  Another was I reduced my efforts to fix healthy meals and eat together.  I let go of the guilt in putting the TV on so the kids could watch while I did something else.  I did what was convenient and lightened my load.  My kids ate a lot of nuggets, oatmeal, broccoli, spaghetti, etc.  I continued to do those things that were 'for me'.  Reading the newspaper first thing in the morning with a cup of coffee even though I had to get up 20 minutes earlier.  Going for at least a 20 minute walk after the kids were in bed and listen to an audiobook.  I didn't like what I had to do but, well, it's what I had to do.

As far as getting your DH to be a better partner, I really think this is something you should work out in counseling.  From what you've said, I don't think it's something you can do on your own.  My DH works well from a list (that I have to provide, of course) and recognizes how much more I do than he does but he still didn't get just how overwhelmed I was, how I really was drowning.  Our relationship took a real hit because he was not being a partner and his obliviousness was crushing me.  It was especially tough for us because we were financially unstable.  Yet, I knew financially we'd be worse if we divorced.  I had to spend money to save some money.

I'm further down the road than you are and, in many ways, life is a lot easier.  While the burdens aren't as heavy, carrying a sustained load (even though it may have lightened) can crush you much as a much heavier one.  It just takes longer to get smash.  You need to develop supports early on.  Don't take on the burden of doing it yourself, enlist a counselor.  Hugs.

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