Reply to Midlife mental health in toilet, deep self loathing, feeling hopeless

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Deep self loathing— hate how I look, detest my body as it gets softer with middle age, hate my face, my teeth, wish I could be a totally different person. Feel like I did at 14/15, just that adolescent feeling that I fit nowhere, am not attractive or likable, that everyone is hanging out without me on purpose because I suck.
[/quote]

I am feeling all of this, but the body/ appearance thing is the only part I've managed to improve so far. I spent about $2,000 on cosmetic procedures.  I never, ever thought I'd be the kind of person to do this and it took over a year to talk myself into doing it and spending the money. But now that it's done, it has helped. Before the procedures, I felt overwhelmed with discouragement and repulsion every time I looked in the mirror (so whenever I went to the bathroom or walked past a store window). I don't feel that anymore.  It's a small thing, but it's one source of despair that's off my shoulders.

The cost was hard for me to stomach, but if I think of it in terms of amortization, it's like paying $2 every time I see a mirror to not feel terrible.  And I would rather be spared that feeling than have the $2, tbh.[/quote]

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