Anonymous wrote:It’s my birthday today and spent a good chunk of my morning dog walk crying because I feel the same way. What’s the point?

How old are you?

It’s my birthday today and spent a good chunk of my morning dog walk crying because I feel the same way. What’s the point?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lift weights

When people say this, what do they mean exactly? Like start body building? Hire a personal trainer? Join a gym?

Basically they say that so you’ll focus on something productive rather than destructive. So whatever goal that is something you’ve always wanted, like getting 6pack abs, learning to swim, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in this boat, too, OP. It’s a shitty feeling and I’m medicated and seeing a therapist to try to work through it. If you don’t have a therapist, I highly recommend it. It’s not magic, but someone good can help you process overwhelming feelings and prioritize.

Not to be counterproductive, but it is SO hard to find a good therapist to discuss these issues, I've found. I've seen a few therapists over the years and while I got along fine with them and even got something out if it each time, I've never found someone who could really help me with self-esteem issues or just that fear that I'm failing at life. I feel like it works okay for more discrete issues like being unhappy with a job and needing to find a way to deal with that. But this kind of existential collapse, I've just haven't found anyone who can touch it.

How did you find your therapist?

I’m the PP, and I hear you. I’ve had some duds and one who was batsh!t crazy (and I may be depressed, anxious, inattentive adhd-addled and myriad other things, but not crazy) but I found my current person through a referral from my former psychiatrist, who retired. But I found that one through sheer dumb luck after the crazy one had me running for the hills. I did a search on psychologytoday.com and sent her an email and we clicked. I’ve moved a lot due to spouse’s job, so I feel like I’ve been forced to start fresh a ridiculous number of times, but it has helped me know what I’m looking for. I want a psychiatrist, I don’t want to see more than one person. I’m mostly looking for a sounding board who makes suggestions and can help me reframe my wonky thoughts, but not push me so hard that appointments are yet another thing to dread or worry about.

But I’m still a middle aged, social phobic mess who doesn’t have any close local friends, so … there’s that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re at all interested to go to a spiritual community, this is another idea. I do think there is a spiritual void in modern society which can result in feeling disconnected. It took me many tries to find one that lines up with my beliefs and style, but I finally found a good fit, and feel uplifted and supported by that group.

Can you recommend it? I'm a longtime agnostic but it has occurred to me that having a church or some kind of community would help during this phase of life. I feel so adrift. Obviously as an agnostic I'm not going to fit into an evangelical community, but I've been curious about other communities where being unsure about what you belief is more accepted. I've also wondered if being part of something like that could help my family as a whole.

I’ve explored Unitarian, Episcopalian, Unity, various Buddhist sanghas. Quaker sounds interesting too but I’ve never been to one. There were other types I can’t recall right now. Basically seeking an openminded, warm spiritual community that’s not ‘holier than thou.’

Some came off as too commercial, too formal or cold, others not for me for various reasons. I think I was checking out one or two a year at the most. In looking back it was a somewhat lonely but interesting and worthwhile experience. It was frustrating at the time because it seemed so easy for others to just go to the local church and be happy, but I am very picky. Again church/temple etc is not for everyone but I personally did want a spiritual community, maybe in part because I have younger kids.

Anonymous wrote:
Deep self loathing— hate how I look, detest my body as it gets softer with middle age, hate my face, my teeth, wish I could be a totally different person. Feel like I did at 14/15, just that adolescent feeling that I fit nowhere, am not attractive or likable, that everyone is hanging out without me on purpose because I suck.

I am feeling all of this, but the body/ appearance thing is the only part I've managed to improve so far. I spent about $2,000 on cosmetic procedures. I never, ever thought I'd be the kind of person to do this and it took over a year to talk myself into doing it and spending the money. But now that it's done, it has helped. Before the procedures, I felt overwhelmed with discouragement and repulsion every time I looked in the mirror (so whenever I went to the bathroom or walked past a store window). I don't feel that anymore. It's a small thing, but it's one source of despair that's off my shoulders.

The cost was hard for me to stomach, but if I think of it in terms of amortization, it's like paying $2 every time I see a mirror to not feel terrible. And I would rather be spared that feeling than have the $2, tbh.

I feel exactly the same. I have no answers, but thank you for sharing and helping everybody in the same headspace feel less alone.

Anonymous wrote:If you’re at all interested to go to a spiritual community, this is another idea. I do think there is a spiritual void in modern society which can result in feeling disconnected. It took me many tries to find one that lines up with my beliefs and style, but I finally found a good fit, and feel uplifted and supported by that group.

Yes, the pain of big/ unfixable issues is what religion was developed to alleviate. It's not the right fix for everybody, but it is a fix that's available. Hugs, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Lift weights

When people say this, what do they mean exactly? Like start body building? Hire a personal trainer? Join a gym?

Anonymous wrote:I think a mid life crisis is an important stage. It’s your mind saying wake up we have a chance to make the most of this next act!! Time to change job/hobbies/cities etc. looking backward is futile but looking forward it’s time for big change!

I love this post!

Midlife depression is very real and hormone related depression in perimenopause and menopause is a massive issue that doesn’t get spoken about often enough - barely at all! Culturally there is joking about angry menopausal women but the mood fluctuations and extremes are very real and not at all unlike the craziness we experienced in puberty, but backwards - with aging and death to look forward to instead of the prime of our lives.

Please establish some healthy self care habits and especially try to get outside regularly for some time and movement in the trees, it’s very powerful therapy.

And if you ever find yourself in despair please call #988

I wish those of us feeling this way could come together somehow, maybe with a skilled facilitator, and support each other through it. It just sucks to go through this alone. I wonder if other women I know are feeling this way and we all just hide it from each other.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel too. If I didn’t have children I would commit suicide.

Same

I have so much compassion for you all who are struggling with your identity, life choices, what's next, and at the same time you are probably emotionally exhausted from parenting during a pandemic, the vitriolic political discourse and a feeling that the world has changed and is no longer safe or hopeful. Does any of this sound familiar? I have felt this way for a few years and have been working hard to pull myself out of my depression. That's probably what this is. Here are some ideas for you all:

-Definitely get your vitamin levels tested. My D and B were both very low leading to low energy and depression.
- Check your hormones and consider HRT if you feel like perimenopause is part of what is bringing you down. I have a few days a month or depression and rage related to my cycle and it sucks.
- Self talk - for those of you who had critical or neglectful parents, learning to talk to yourself the same encouraging, kind way you talk to your kids really helps. I know it sounds super cheesy, but give yourself complements, encourage yourself and nurture yourself. Replace the critical or anxious voice in your head with one that is soothing and loving.
- Maybe find some inspiration - check out Mel Brooks or another life coach time who speaks to you. Listen to podcasts and start learning tools to move yourself forward.
- Exercise and do little nice things for yourself. Maybe a lip gloss or an ice cream or a book - whatever speaks to you and makes you feel indulged in a small way.
- Think of the second half of your life as your eccentric second half century. Do you dream of kayaking? Of casual dinner with friends? Hiking or beach going? Traveling? What do you want to include in your next chapter?
- For the love of god, get out of your house! We are all spending too much time in our homes. We (I) have forgotten what we used to do before Covid. We can't just keep on cleaning out closet and spending our precious time on tasks that are immediately undone (dishes - ahem).
- If your depression persists, please see your doctor and think about SSRI. Your mental health is worth working on!

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel too. If I didn’t have children I would commit suicide.

Same

This is how I feel too. If I didn’t have children I would commit suicide.