Anonymous wrote:But some men DO live to 97, that’s the thing. I am post-lawyer hospice caregiver, and over the last 7 years I have cared for several men in their mid to late 90s as they declined into death. They were mostly middle class men, one was a bit wealthier and one was a working class man who nevertheless made it to 97 before he died.

I have seen so many manifestations of the adult children helping elderly parents to age in place over the last few years, and actually before that as well when I did some estate planning with elders in my solo law practice.

My advice is to put a lot of energy in these years into living in the moment and working on your own mental health and strategies to maintain peace of mind. You can easily worry your life away and as Mark Twain once said most of what we worry about never comes to pass.

You are much better off to have independent elder parents who are positive forward thinkers anticipating a long and fruitful period of golden years than to have negative pessimistic elder parents who rattle on endlessly about every real and imagined ache and how they can’t wait to die and so and so just died and such and such just happened and isn’t the world a terrible place etc. This is no different than at any stage of life, you’re blessed to have positive people in your life. Don’t worry about what obligations might fall to you until they do, because they might not. Your parents might live long enough that you have to work out home care or placements for them or whatever - but you could also get a call someday that they died in an auto accident on the way to the park with their puppy. Beyond taking reasonable steps to protect them when the time comes that they need that assistance- should they lose capacity - you don’t need to waste your present happiness worrying about future what ifs most of which may never come to pass. Cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t spend a minute of today worrying about it.

Anonymous wrote:But some men DO live to 97, that’s the thing. I am post-lawyer hospice caregiver, and over the last 7 years I have cared for several men in their mid to late 90s as they declined into death. They were mostly middle class men, one was a bit wealthier and one was a working class man who nevertheless made it to 97 before he died.

I have seen so many manifestations of the adult children helping elderly parents to age in place over the last few years, and actually before that as well when I did some estate planning with elders in my solo law practice.

My advice is to put a lot of energy in these years into living in the moment and working on your own mental health and strategies to maintain peace of mind. You can easily worry your life away and as Mark Twain once said most of what we worry about never comes to pass.

You are much better off to have independent elder parents who are positive forward thinkers anticipating a long and fruitful period of golden years than to have negative pessimistic elder parents who rattle on endlessly about every real and imagined ache and how they can’t wait to die and so and so just died and such and such just happened and isn’t the world a terrible place etc. This is no different than at any stage of life, you’re blessed to have positive people in your life. Don’t worry about what obligations might fall to you until they do, because they might not. Your parents might live long enough that you have to work out home care or placements for them or whatever - but you could also get a call someday that they died in an auto accident on the way to the park with their puppy. Beyond taking reasonable steps to protect them when the time comes that they need that assistance- should they lose capacity - you don’t need to waste your present happiness worrying about future what ifs most of which may never come to pass. Cross that bridge when you come to it and don’t spend a minute of today worrying about it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are 73 and 81 and also in total denial about aging. They are in good health but refuse to discuss practical planning and are shopping for a new 5000 sf house and have recently moved to a city 500 miles from me (oh, and mom is afraid to fly, so I guess I visit them now). My mom constantly says stuff like "for our next 25 years." It's cute in a way, but utterly delusional and sad in another. Thankfully, they are well-off enough to be able to ditch a new suburban McMansion when they need to, and they'll need to, but I worry that their poor decisions will result in things like falls that could have been avoided (oh yeah, they're also getting a puppy).

None of these things is terrible, some are motivating, but it's a concerning pattern of denial and inappropriate choices overall. I am waiting for the shoe to drop every day, which isn't healthy for me either. It feels like a tremendous burden.

If your dad is just saying this to be optimistic and trying to financially plan for things so that he is not a burden on you, that seems reasonable. Help him plan in a way that alleviates some of the burden from you. Are you an only child? I am. It can be hard.

This is such a mix of encouraging and sad! It's great that they feel so good, but I can't imagine buying such a big house and getting a puppy at their ages. I'm ready to downsize now at mid 50s!

Anonymous wrote:He is 77 so it does look realistic. He is kind, smart, funny and tries to live a healthy lifestyle
I love him but I must confess: the thought of having to keep an eye on him for decades is kind of depressing. He can live independently but he does need reminders, help with bigger tasks, just general oversight. He is like a teenager I would say.
I love him but how do I come to terms with the fact that even when my kid is finally in college I won’t be free? I am not talking about traditional caregiving, it’s the easy part (knock on wood). It’s more about all the mental and emotional labor of keeping his life in order?
I just needed it let it all out.
Maybe someone has words of wisdom for me

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is 88 and dad is 87. They refuse to move out of their ramshackle house which they don’t maintain, will not give up their drivers licenses and also think getting a puppy is a great idea because they plan to live another twelve years. Makes me wonder if they are all listening to the same talk radio or something. Also feeling sad because my kids are launched, these people are insane and by the time this concludes I will be too old to travel or enjoy my life.

Don't put your life on hold for them. Travel and do the other things you want to do.

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to thank whoever started this particular conversation. I'm finding it so helpful to find out that I'm not the only one in this position. I'm the one with parents in their late 80sin the ranshackle house.

I am trying to think of it like if they ask for some things on a physical level like help getting to the grocery store I will give them that much --But I am not responsible for their emotional state and whether or not they're getting along and whether or not someone is lonely Nor am I responsible for planning for their future if they refuse to do so. I think it is really easy to end up in a codependence state at this point and I'm trying to avoid that

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are 73 and 81 and also in total denial about aging. They are in good health but refuse to discuss practical planning and are shopping for a new 5000 sf house and have recently moved to a city 500 miles from me (oh, and mom is afraid to fly, so I guess I visit them now). My mom constantly says stuff like "for our next 25 years." It's cute in a way, but utterly delusional and sad in another. Thankfully, they are well-off enough to be able to ditch a new suburban McMansion when they need to, and they'll need to, but I worry that their poor decisions will result in things like falls that could have been avoided (oh yeah, they're also getting a puppy).

None of these things is terrible, some are motivating, but it's a concerning pattern of denial and inappropriate choices overall. I am waiting for the shoe to drop every day, which isn't healthy for me either. It feels like a tremendous burden.

If your dad is just saying this to be optimistic and trying to financially plan for things so that he is not a burden on you, that seems reasonable. Help him plan in a way that alleviates some of the burden from you. Are you an only child? I am. It can be hard.

This is such a mix of encouraging and sad! It's great that they feel so good, but I can't imagine buying such a big house and getting a puppy at their ages. I'm ready to downsize now at mid 50s!

I am upset about it every single day. I feel optimistic and happy they are in good health and good spirits, and then I am a wreck to think about how my career and personal life will take a massive hit when I inevitably have to pick up the pieces (again, mom doesn't fly, it's so complicated). I can't even convince them to get a house with a bedroom on the first floor, and every house they are interested in had multiple steps to all entrances including the garage. It is scream-inducing. I really need a therapist to try to confront this and and let go until I have to face it. Thankful they have some money though.

Anonymous wrote:My mother is 88 and dad is 87. They refuse to move out of their ramshackle house which they don’t maintain, will not give up their drivers licenses and also think getting a puppy is a great idea because they plan to live another twelve years. Makes me wonder if they are all listening to the same talk radio or something. Also feeling sad because my kids are launched, these people are insane and by the time this concludes I will be too old to travel or enjoy my life.