Reply to What punishments are acceptable for 18+ year olds?

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[quote=Anonymous]By 18 you shouldn't be issuing punishments. I'm sorry but if you are threatening punishments to an 18 year old, you already failed AND your kid is old enough to know you failed and that means any system of punishment will be broken.

Even if you have financial punishments you can levy (taking away phone or spending money, threatening to reduce tuition contribution, etc.), they are likely to backfire or not work out the way you want. Like say you take their phone away. They aren't going to go without a phone (they honestly can't, it's a basic need at this point). So they'll find a way to get one, and since they are a legal adult, there will be nothing you can do about it. Maybe they do something reasonable to get one, like get a job. Great for them. But what have the learned in terms of your relationship? They can't count on you but they can count on themselves when they need something, so next time they'll just do it on their own. Maybe that's your goal but usually parents who are talking about punishing adults actually want to keep those people under their thumbs, and will be mad when their kid just distances themselves. Ask yourself if that's what you want.

Alternatively they might do something stupid or irresponsible to get their phone/make rent/meet tuition payment. They might borrow money, run up a credit card bill, default on a bill, commit a crime, or do any number of desperate, dumb things. Will this make you happy? Is this the desired result? Think.

At this age, what you need to be able to do is have a conversation with them and reach some kind of agreement or compromise that works for both of you. The same way you would with any other adult relationship, like your marriage or your relationship with your own parents. For this you need trust, honesty, patience, and empathy. Punishment is counter-productive to all of those things -- it will make them feel infantilized and controlled, as well as misunderstood. They'll lash out and you'll feel disrespected and unappreciated. It's a terrible cycle.

This is why, by high school, you need to be cultivating a relationship with your kids where they make some of their own decisions, you support them in the ways that make sense, and you talk through disagreements and resolve differences in a mutually respectful way that acknowledges they are no longer a child. It should be a gradual process -- you aren't yanking away your protection and support all of a sudden. But they should be taking on more of their decision-making burden themselves and should come to see you more as a support and advisor, than as the decider, by the time they hit 18. This is how you help them learn to make good choices, and also help them learn to deal with bad choices when they happen.[/quote]

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