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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, use this time to examine your financial and childcare situations and to control your controllables.  Think about what will be most cost-effective and will reduce your stress.  There are ways to streamline having three - but you have to let go of the idea of “perfect” parenting and optimizing each kid as an individual.  You’ve got this; three kids is fantastic.[/quote]

Can you say more about this, particularly the part about letting go of perfect parenting and optimizing each kid as an individual?[/quote]

Sure!  For context, I have three (11, 9, 7), all three were planned.  I’m also a psychologist by training; while I don’t do a ton of clinical work now, I have more knowledge about child development than the average bear and keep up with the parenting experts who do good work (e.g., Lisa Damour, Tina Payne Bryson).

First, let go of the idea that anyone needs to be a “perfect parent,” i.e., meeting their children’s needs 100% of the time.  That’s not humanly possible.  It’s also not necessary: a “good enough” parent is all children need.  That means you’re (mostly) emotionally present, not abusive, you validate their feelings while still holding boundaries and having expectations.  Whole Brain Child is the best book I’ve found for this, though Tina Bryson has a newer one too that is probably quite good.

Second, relatedly, you don’t need to optimize each kid as an individual, as if they lived on an island.  They don’t.  They’re surrounded by family, community, etc. - those experiences are important for healthy development.  Kids are enriched not just by travel sports and music lessons (though those are great), but by contributing to their communities and families.  That doesn’t mean, say, that an older sibling “raises” the little ones, but it does mean that it’s healthy for kids to have chores.  I think of it that I’m trying to raise my kids to be adults who will be thoughtful, productive members of society.

When it comes to having a third, unless someone has a ton of money and/or family help, these things mean looking at the big picture and being clear about what limits you’ll set on your kids.  It means paying attention to your needs as a person and not running yourself ragged.  Anyway, good luck, OP!  Three is harder than two and it’s important not to ignore that, I think, but there are also many wonderful things about having three. :)[/quote]

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