Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, use this time to examine your financial and childcare situations and to control your controllables. Think about what will be most cost-effective and will reduce your stress. There are ways to streamline having three - but you have to let go of the idea of “perfect” parenting and optimizing each kid as an individual. You’ve got this; three kids is fantastic.

Can you say more about this, particularly the part about letting go of perfect parenting and optimizing each kid as an individual?

Sure! For context, I have three (11, 9, 7), all three were planned. I’m also a psychologist by training; while I don’t do a ton of clinical work now, I have more knowledge about child development than the average bear and keep up with the parenting experts who do good work (e.g., Lisa Damour, Tina Payne Bryson).

First, let go of the idea that anyone needs to be a “perfect parent,” i.e., meeting their children’s needs 100% of the time. That’s not humanly possible. It’s also not necessary: a “good enough” parent is all children need. That means you’re (mostly) emotionally present, not abusive, you validate their feelings while still holding boundaries and having expectations. Whole Brain Child is the best book I’ve found for this, though Tina Bryson has a newer one too that is probably quite good.

Second, relatedly, you don’t need to optimize each kid as an individual, as if they lived on an island. They don’t. They’re surrounded by family, community, etc. - those experiences are important for healthy development. Kids are enriched not just by travel sports and music lessons (though those are great), but by contributing to their communities and families. That doesn’t mean, say, that an older sibling “raises” the little ones, but it does mean that it’s healthy for kids to have chores. I think of it that I’m trying to raise my kids to be adults who will be thoughtful, productive members of society.

When it comes to having a third, unless someone has a ton of money and/or family help, these things mean looking at the big picture and being clear about what limits you’ll set on your kids. It means paying attention to your needs as a person and not running yourself ragged. Anyway, good luck, OP! Three is harder than two and it’s important not to ignore that, I think, but there are also many wonderful things about having three.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is one of three and I love his family dynamic. It's a wonderful lively Thanksgiving table and all three are wonderful in their own ways.

That being said, I would no way in hell have three kids so I totally get it.

Spending $$ on date nights, babysitters, etc. is worth it. Put your marriage first.

Can you read? OP is 25 weeks pregnant. How is this helpful?

OP is in the US, but in Ontario this would be a non-issue.

I wasn't telling her to abort, good lord. I was just trying to convey that I hear her concerns and I agree it would be way overwhelming to me personally. What's done is done but there are upsides and ways to mitigate the downisdes (hence my "get babysitters" advice)

Anonymous wrote:One of you needs to SAH for a few years. That’s the only way I’ve seen this work out.

or have flexible jobs. excited for you OP!

I have three, and wouldn’t change it for the world. My only fears about my third revolved around being able to care for my older two when I was sick during the first trimester. I did freak out a bit while pregnant with my second, though. I worried about life changing for my oldest and how I would handle caring for two when DH was so busy with work and grad school. My friend had a colicky second baby and I worried mine would be the same. DD arrived and those fears melted away.

Having three has actually been wonderful for our family. DH and I became a better team — I guess zone defense is our thing! Financially, I don’t feel like we lack anything, but we also don’t prioritize big vacations or pricy home updates.

One of you needs to SAH for a few years. That’s the only way I’ve seen this work out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is one of three and I love his family dynamic. It's a wonderful lively Thanksgiving table and all three are wonderful in their own ways.

That being said, I would no way in hell have three kids so I totally get it.

Spending $$ on date nights, babysitters, etc. is worth it. Put your marriage first.

Can you read? OP is 25 weeks pregnant. How is this helpful?

OP is in the US, but in Ontario this would be a non-issue.

Anonymous wrote:OP, use this time to examine your financial and childcare situations and to control your controllables. Think about what will be most cost-effective and will reduce your stress. There are ways to streamline having three - but you have to let go of the idea of “perfect” parenting and optimizing each kid as an individual. You’ve got this; three kids is fantastic.

Can you say more about this, particularly the part about letting go of perfect parenting and optimizing each kid as an individual?

OP, use this time to examine your financial and childcare situations and to control your controllables. Think about what will be most cost-effective and will reduce your stress. There are ways to streamline having three - but you have to let go of the idea of “perfect” parenting and optimizing each kid as an individual. You’ve got this; three kids is fantastic.

Why on earth are people not using birth control? That is how you prevent theses situations.

I have three. It’s really hard with two full time working parents but I don’t regret it, ever. The first year was actually not that hard- we just did a lot of tag teaming our older two and then the baby. One baby was mobile, it got harder.

I would consider making a move to a lower cost area, if you can, so you can afford more space or just be able to sink less of your income into housing. Or maybe make some other lifestyle changes to free up either money or time or both.

If I were feeling overwhelmed at the idea of another kid, but it was already on the way, I'd take some concrete steps to make life a bit easier so that I could focus on giving my kids/family what they need (and also getting what I personally need) so I don't get too stressed or resentful.

Anonymous wrote:My spouse is one of three and I love his family dynamic. It's a wonderful lively Thanksgiving table and all three are wonderful in their own ways.

That being said, I would no way in hell have three kids so I totally get it.

Spending $$ on date nights, babysitters, etc. is worth it. Put your marriage first.

Can you read? OP is 25 weeks pregnant. How is this helpful?

Once the baby arrives, it will be like they were always part of your family. I love having three so much. Not to say it’s not exhausting, challenging and expensive, but it’s all worth it!

We had our 3rd when my older kids were 5 and 3. I think it would have been better if she'd been closer in age. The older two have always been incredibly close and the gulf between them and the youngest is big. It's always one person with the baby, one person with the older two. It would be nice if she could do the same things they could do or be at the same stage. So maybe them being close in age will be a blessing to you.

I will say that I LOVED having a baby again. With your first baby there's so much you don't know, but by baby 3, it's a breeze. You just already know how to do everything, so you enjoy them a bit more. No stressing about whether they're meeting milestones, you just enjoy the milestones.

3 has been very hard, but we're obsessed with her and feel that our family is complete. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Got pregnant with DC3 intentionally. Had immediate regret and panic as soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test. This baby is hands down the light of our family. Adding the third was 100x easier than adding a second. Don't worry you will be fine.