Reply to Maintaining relationship with XIL’s/grandparents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. The range of perspectives on DCUM is always fascinating. Thanks for all the feedback.

The first part of 17:20’s post really resonated with me. I don’t feel the slightest bit responsible for his sobriety or controlling his environment, but I am 100% responsible for keeping my kids safe. If he insists on taking this trip I’ll go with them in order to do that, but I think it’s a terrible idea. His parents plan everything WAY in advance. I’m guessing they’ve been asking him about it. 7 weeks away is short notice for them. He’s been asking me about it. I asked for time to think about it, which he’s okay with, but it will come up again soon. Surprisingly, no one in my circle of real life friends/acquaintances has dealt with something like this, it’s helpful for me to get different ideas here. It helps me think about it.

I absolutely want him to have a relationship with the kids. I want him to stay sober, make amends, and come home. I want to be able to forgive him. He’s had stretches of being a really good dad, and a good partner. I love him. Then he drinks and it all goes to hell. But even if we do end up divorcing I want the kids to have a relationship with him and with their grandparents.

I have a therapist, I’ve been going to Al anon. I talked to an attorney and I have a fair amount of documentation, with access to more (medical records, etc).  I’m well positioned to pursue full custody if necessary. He has totally respected my boundaries since he’s been out of rehab, so I don’t feel like it’s necessary at this point. If that changes, I have a plan in place. I don’t want to take those steps now though, because I’m not ready to divorce. If he relapses again I’m out, but he seems more serious about recovery now than at any other point and I want to be able to tell the kids I tried everything I possibly could to keep our family together.

I don’t think I’m being a drama queen. My life flipped upside down a couple of months ago and I’m navigating a bunch of new and unexpected situations, while focusing on being a calm and steady presence for my kids so they don’t feel like their lives flipped upside down. Im doing pretty well with it, but man this is a tricky time. [/quote]

OP, I don't think you are a drama queen. You are dealing with a very difficult situations. I think you should re-read 17:30's response and think about it. You haven't answered whether his parents know you are separated. I'd further ask if they know your husband has been in-patient rehab? Do they have some sense of the full extent of them problem here? Are you being asked to be the secret keeper?

Based on the timing of this trip is this a big family Easter celebration? If so, then IMO it is MANDATORY that all of you stay elsewhere/in a hotel. Surely your husband's sponsor/therapist as well as your own have suggested it so your husband can leave if he feels the need to drink. If it's not big family Easter, then I think it's reasonable and advisable to ask his parents to remove all alcohol during his visit. Doesn't mean forever, but for the weekend that their son who just finished rehab is in town with his family and the grandkids that they haven't seen in a year it's reasonable.

Bottom line I guess I am saying don't agree to put yourself and your kids in a situation where you are worried about him relapsing for the sake of keeping up appearances. Only he can truly manage his sobriety, but you can certainly voice your opinion and draw boundaries.[/quote]

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